Between everything, I am finally, finally done moving everything. Things have been going mostly better now, between everything. All my clothes are back, and I've been slowly sorting through them. One of my friends from high school came and helped me move all the dishes as well, and then helped me wash them all. That was an hour long job by itself, the washing of dishes. We got it done though, which I was happy about. I still have to put them all away though.... (I really need to do that sometime today.)
Good news continues. Thursday night, my dad called me down at like... twenty two hundred and asked me if I would rebuild his mail server for him. He then turned around and asked me about what my (then current) computer had for specs wise. When I told him, he laughed and gave me mom's old computer, and a few other pieces to hype it up some more. I spent until 03.00 Friday morning building the new mail server, and then crashed finally. Last night - Friday night - I built my new computer. Three gigs of RAM, a pretty good processor, terabyte hard drive, real graphics card, real sound card. Ubuntu 11.10 now on it. It lives! It lives!! And I can finally multitask, even! Last night, I stress tested it with Second Life, while still running Banshee, Empathy, and Firefox. Didn't even really blink. I also tested Skype, and besides the fact that not a whole lot of web cams work with Linux systems, Skype works! I think the only thing I have to really work out now is what I need to do to make my web cam work.... And set up a dual boot or triple boot, possibly. When I attempted to partition it the first time, I mis-installed the boot loader, so I did a pure vanilla install, which is no fun for me. So I'm going to have to go back in and partition out a few gigs here and there for other boots. I'm thinking UbuntuStudio and possibly playing around with Slackware or some such. Maybe a Server. The only thing I have yet to test my computer with is trying to run a virtual machine. That's next. First, I have to find my copy of XP... Anyways.
Enough about computers. The other night, when I was moving my computer gear from the apartment, I got rather pissed at my ex, who decided to try to be a bitch that night. I told her to shut up and leave me be. After finally moving all my stuff out Thursday, I gave her the key back. She tried to be bitchy - again - and I just shrugged and let her be. She can deal with shit. Well, then yesterday evening, I tried to make a call, and turns out, she'd shut down my phone. Well then. I pinged her about it, and she told me oh well, and to lose her number, after having promised a couple weeks ago to just let my phone be for a while, so I could get it to the point I could support it myself again. Nope. So I now have an Android phone that has wireless only, basically, at least until I can find a job and get it on my own account, or Dad'll put it on his account. Of course, both of these require going into Sprint and talking with them about how to put that into effect, but... It'll be dealt with.
I've learned a major lesson from this past relationship - besides that of, "PEOPLE SUCK". It is this: Even in a relationship, /first/ go with your instincts when it comes to trusting the other person, and then work from there. There is a difference between what one's heart says, and what one's instincts say, too... For instance: My heart said to trust her fully, but my instincts screamed very loudly, on a constant basis, /not/ to trust her. In the end, it bit me on the ass, not listening to the loud screaming from my gut, because she turned around and cheated on me. And is currently with that guy, for the fifth time from what I know. Yep.
Bitch.
I talked with one of my sisters last night. My ex had been... friends... with her for a while, and then turned around a few days ago and said some shit about me to my sister. My sister sent her a long ass message that chewed her out but good. I was sitting here laughing the entire time I read it. It also told me a couple things about myself that I needed to know, and that I know I need to work on. I'm trying to work on them, so... I hope that's worth something to somebody at some point.
A few weeks ago, I had a long discussion with my mom, and told her that I was Bi-Gender, with the request that she not tell Dad. I asked her later, she said she'd mentioned the basics of it, but not all of it. Yesterday afternoon, I went out to the kitchen wearing my flats, where mom and dad both were. Dad glanced down and saw my flats, but has not mentioned them yet. I am not sure what he thought, or if he'll say anything... Either way. Makes me wonder. I am just glad I have parents that do not judge in this situation. It has been a few weeks since I've gone out in female dress, simply because it's been either too cold, or I've been with my family - especially with X-mas and everything. I'm looking forward to getting to where I can again. 'Course, that means I need to acquire real razors to not look like a hairy beast. >_<
Life is getting back to a normal-ish state, and I'll be happy when it's fully there.
Until next time.
Peace.
ADDENDUM:
My parents are awesome. They got my phone transferred to their account, so I now have a working phone again. <3 <3 <3 to them.
2011/12/31
I really should be a stalker. Then I wouldn't have these moral dilemmas...
Seriously. Has anyone mentioned how creepy Omegle is? The website Omegle.
I mean, periodically, I'll go on and meet someone decent. We'll have an interesting conversation about languages and phonetics or about theology. Sometimes I'll even get someone good who can hold a good discussion on labels and stereotypes.
But 95% of the time? People are there for sex. Cyber sex. Most don't bother to hide their purpose. And I have to wonder, why don't people have anything better to do?
Regardless of taste, it's even funnier when I play with the "spy mode" beta where you can ask a question and watch strangers discuss the question, with no ability to interact with them. I bother to ask a real question in spy mode, instead of the trolling "YOU CAN'T ESCAPE THIS QUESTION" or the voyeuristic "have cybersex. Go on! NOW." Okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but the intent is very much there in some "questions".
Like I said, I actually ask a real question. I rather enjoyed a conversation, playing the one-word game (where you try to make a story, with everyone taking turns saying one word at a time) so I borrowed the prompt and used it several times when I was the spy. The very first time I posted the question, I naturally kept up with the conversation, hoping for a clever story. I began to realize, though, that for some reason, people also tend to share personal information. I struck gold, reading that conversation, in that regard. There was a girl that claimed to have no facebook, tumblr or anything else online, and generally seemed very protective of her information. However, with NO PROMPTING on my part, I managed to get her home state, first name and a good guess at her middle name, a fair bit of information about her life AND a phone number.
I can call or text her. I even did, trying to freak her out so she would hopefully learn not to give out ANY info online. I felt justified, since it's not like I was trying to stalk her, even though I had a jump start if I wanted to. The poor 15 year old freaked out, even though I identified immediately as the spy from omegle and commented on their conversation, asking for her to clarify to the other stranger (an 18 year old male, he claimed, but with much less revelation of info) how the spy thing actually worked and a few other details relevant to their conversation.
It's not like I was trying to stalk anyone, but I still have her number saved in the email account I texted her from. It's actually rather hard to get rid of numbers you've texted that way, at least on Gmail.
So now what do I do? I don't want to be malicious or stalk her, but the closest I can come to that is to ignore that I have her number. Perhaps if I scare her enough, she'll change it? Then neither I nor "Joe" will have her number, but as we've already discussed, it is SUPER easy to be a creeper on Omegle. There's no guarantee that he is who he says he is or anything like that. But how to scare her… I may be a little bit evil for this, but i really like planning this. Scare her just enough to never be that stupid again. Fortunately I have a few good guy friends that can put on a good "internet creeper" voice. My own wouldn't work. I have a gentle, feminine voice, and no flair for the dramatic, no ability to intimidate people. I wonder how many calls it will take from these friends of mine before she gets her number changed. I've already proven that she didn't give out a fake number.
But you know, I don't really know what my ultimate goal is. I'm definitely a cat inside. I love toying with my "prey." Maybe I do have the makings of a successful creeper. Omegle does bring out the worst in us. *evil chuckle*
Long story short, don't be stupid. Personal information is only for people you know personally. Is that really so hard to understand?
That's all for now. Unless I have a volunteer to call my dear little friend and scare her? Haha, I'm not that cruel… As far as we know.
You know what, if you really, desperately want to volunteer, email me. I MIGHT open it up to volunteers if a particular friend of mine takes too long to get around to calling, but I want to be sure I absolutely trust the people I would give her number to. Minimizing the damage, of course.
Seriously though. All I have to say. Have I made my point yet?
EDIT: I found this picture today (3/12/12) http://ohinternet.com/File:Xg4i7.png
It means that at least Omegle has a little moderation, even if it's just automated reports of sex offenders. You might run across several perverts, but you will be warned of sex offenders on record. Still though, people. Everyone starts somewhere, and not everyone is caught. Don't be stupid, 'kay?
I mean, periodically, I'll go on and meet someone decent. We'll have an interesting conversation about languages and phonetics or about theology. Sometimes I'll even get someone good who can hold a good discussion on labels and stereotypes.
But 95% of the time? People are there for sex. Cyber sex. Most don't bother to hide their purpose. And I have to wonder, why don't people have anything better to do?
Regardless of taste, it's even funnier when I play with the "spy mode" beta where you can ask a question and watch strangers discuss the question, with no ability to interact with them. I bother to ask a real question in spy mode, instead of the trolling "YOU CAN'T ESCAPE THIS QUESTION" or the voyeuristic "have cybersex. Go on! NOW." Okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but the intent is very much there in some "questions".
Like I said, I actually ask a real question. I rather enjoyed a conversation, playing the one-word game (where you try to make a story, with everyone taking turns saying one word at a time) so I borrowed the prompt and used it several times when I was the spy. The very first time I posted the question, I naturally kept up with the conversation, hoping for a clever story. I began to realize, though, that for some reason, people also tend to share personal information. I struck gold, reading that conversation, in that regard. There was a girl that claimed to have no facebook, tumblr or anything else online, and generally seemed very protective of her information. However, with NO PROMPTING on my part, I managed to get her home state, first name and a good guess at her middle name, a fair bit of information about her life AND a phone number.
I can call or text her. I even did, trying to freak her out so she would hopefully learn not to give out ANY info online. I felt justified, since it's not like I was trying to stalk her, even though I had a jump start if I wanted to. The poor 15 year old freaked out, even though I identified immediately as the spy from omegle and commented on their conversation, asking for her to clarify to the other stranger (an 18 year old male, he claimed, but with much less revelation of info) how the spy thing actually worked and a few other details relevant to their conversation.
It's not like I was trying to stalk anyone, but I still have her number saved in the email account I texted her from. It's actually rather hard to get rid of numbers you've texted that way, at least on Gmail.
So now what do I do? I don't want to be malicious or stalk her, but the closest I can come to that is to ignore that I have her number. Perhaps if I scare her enough, she'll change it? Then neither I nor "Joe" will have her number, but as we've already discussed, it is SUPER easy to be a creeper on Omegle. There's no guarantee that he is who he says he is or anything like that. But how to scare her… I may be a little bit evil for this, but i really like planning this. Scare her just enough to never be that stupid again. Fortunately I have a few good guy friends that can put on a good "internet creeper" voice. My own wouldn't work. I have a gentle, feminine voice, and no flair for the dramatic, no ability to intimidate people. I wonder how many calls it will take from these friends of mine before she gets her number changed. I've already proven that she didn't give out a fake number.
But you know, I don't really know what my ultimate goal is. I'm definitely a cat inside. I love toying with my "prey." Maybe I do have the makings of a successful creeper. Omegle does bring out the worst in us. *evil chuckle*
Long story short, don't be stupid. Personal information is only for people you know personally. Is that really so hard to understand?
That's all for now. Unless I have a volunteer to call my dear little friend and scare her? Haha, I'm not that cruel… As far as we know.
You know what, if you really, desperately want to volunteer, email me. I MIGHT open it up to volunteers if a particular friend of mine takes too long to get around to calling, but I want to be sure I absolutely trust the people I would give her number to. Minimizing the damage, of course.
Seriously though. All I have to say. Have I made my point yet?
EDIT: I found this picture today (3/12/12) http://ohinternet.com/File:Xg4i7.png
It means that at least Omegle has a little moderation, even if it's just automated reports of sex offenders. You might run across several perverts, but you will be warned of sex offenders on record. Still though, people. Everyone starts somewhere, and not everyone is caught. Don't be stupid, 'kay?
2011/12/29
So Very Close
To being done with all this moving shit.
As of today, I have all but a little bit of my stuff moved back into my parent's house. I managed to fit all of my stuff back in here - dresser and desk, plus my shelving units - in good positions. Now all I have left is some clothing, dishes, and a few other items... Basically, one more load. Should be able to get it tomorrow, hopefully.
Now I just have to deal with the termination fees for the internet stuff. And returning that to the company. Ugh. Oh well, not like I need the router anyway. It's their stuff. I just need to go in and reset it to factory defaults first.
One of my best friends is coming into town tomorrow, and she and I will hopefully be able to do some recording work. Also, hoping she'll be up to helping me move that stuff I mentioned... If not, I'll deal with it else ways though.
I'm working through a bunch of mental shit. My ex loved her guilt trips, and until recently, I didn't really realise them as being such. Glad I saw it quickly afterwards though. Now, it's just dealing with it. I'm already a lot less stressed, and that helps a lot towards working this crap out. It became quickly evident last Thursday, when my friend brought me back to my 'rents, and he and I got to talking about our energies... (Ki, chi, call it whatever, it's there) and mine was seriously out of whack. Yesterday, when he saw me again, he said that I was in much better shape. I agree. Things are getting better.
Now, I just have to find a job... It'll be a lot easier, now that I'm in a neighbourhood that is on a main bus route - or at least right next to one - and lots of jobs in the general vicinity. My Dad suggested I go back to the old company I was with and try to get part time work with them... I would, except I doubt they'd want to hire somebody back who already doesn't have the greatest track record. Not to mention, I have no interest in trying to work with them. I like my stress levels /not/ back through the roof, thanks very much.
Oh yeah. Also need to get back into school. Need to get online next Monday and apply back to college. Now that I've had some time off... I can jump back in and actually concentrate again.
Until next time.
Peace.
As of today, I have all but a little bit of my stuff moved back into my parent's house. I managed to fit all of my stuff back in here - dresser and desk, plus my shelving units - in good positions. Now all I have left is some clothing, dishes, and a few other items... Basically, one more load. Should be able to get it tomorrow, hopefully.
Now I just have to deal with the termination fees for the internet stuff. And returning that to the company. Ugh. Oh well, not like I need the router anyway. It's their stuff. I just need to go in and reset it to factory defaults first.
One of my best friends is coming into town tomorrow, and she and I will hopefully be able to do some recording work. Also, hoping she'll be up to helping me move that stuff I mentioned... If not, I'll deal with it else ways though.
I'm working through a bunch of mental shit. My ex loved her guilt trips, and until recently, I didn't really realise them as being such. Glad I saw it quickly afterwards though. Now, it's just dealing with it. I'm already a lot less stressed, and that helps a lot towards working this crap out. It became quickly evident last Thursday, when my friend brought me back to my 'rents, and he and I got to talking about our energies... (Ki, chi, call it whatever, it's there) and mine was seriously out of whack. Yesterday, when he saw me again, he said that I was in much better shape. I agree. Things are getting better.
Now, I just have to find a job... It'll be a lot easier, now that I'm in a neighbourhood that is on a main bus route - or at least right next to one - and lots of jobs in the general vicinity. My Dad suggested I go back to the old company I was with and try to get part time work with them... I would, except I doubt they'd want to hire somebody back who already doesn't have the greatest track record. Not to mention, I have no interest in trying to work with them. I like my stress levels /not/ back through the roof, thanks very much.
Oh yeah. Also need to get back into school. Need to get online next Monday and apply back to college. Now that I've had some time off... I can jump back in and actually concentrate again.
Until next time.
Peace.
2011/12/25
I'm running out of life titles...
Seriously. I'm running out of things to title my random "life is insane" posts.
I've spent Thursday evening through today at my parents' house. Come sometime this next week, I'm moving back in with my parents. Either way, I will not be spending another night at that apartment. Quite glad of it, too. Now, I just have to figure out how to make my room able to fit my dresser again... Heh. I've been re-working my room in my head, and we'll see how well it works out come probably Wednesday. Tomorrow, we're clearing my room out from X-mas stuff, then Tuesday, I'm prepping my room, and then Wednesday... I move my big stuff back in. Fortunately, I have the car - Cheyenne - for the moving process, so I can do a few loads of my smaller stuff... All of my books, my music and pokemon stuff... Stuffed animals... It will be nice to finally be home.
My mom knows that I am bi-gender. Yet, it's still odd for her if I wear female clothing. Can't say it's a surprise, but it's still kind of... blah. I wish she could just ignore it. I am who I am, and that isn't going to change. Either way. I am going to wear my female clothing once in a while, that isn't going to change. Sorry.
I told my dad the other night that I was going to church these days, and that I was running sound. He said that he wouldn't interfere, and that it was a good place for me to work on my sound skills - which is absolutely true. I am glad he wasn't pissed. 'Course, I skipped church this morning, because I wasn't planning on going, as it's X-mas, and therefore family time... Either way. Will go next week. I have to work out a plan this week as how I'm going to go each week, much less if I have to go in mid week to get something done...
Now I just have to recover from all the mental shit my ex put me through, and then everything will be in good shape! Life is improving already.
Yesterday evening was X-mas eve, and we spent it with my mom's side of the family. There were about... oh, forty five of us or so there? Yeah, it was awesome. I got to see most of my cousins, and at least say hi, and I got to have a good long talk about life shit with the two cousins I talk with the most. X-Mas day - today - I spent with my dad's side of the family, and it was good. I'm now glad that I pack my flashlight and other standard gear whenever I go out of the house, as having a flashlight helped me locate a bunch of glass shards tonight when a glass bowl with the stuffing in it fell on the ground... It sucked, but life goes on. We solved the issue and got on with the evening. Beyond that, it was a good day. Lazy too, mostly, as I slept most of the morning.
Now... Now, I get my life back into shape. And most of the pieces are already in motion.
*Evil laughter.*
Until next time.
Peace.
I've spent Thursday evening through today at my parents' house. Come sometime this next week, I'm moving back in with my parents. Either way, I will not be spending another night at that apartment. Quite glad of it, too. Now, I just have to figure out how to make my room able to fit my dresser again... Heh. I've been re-working my room in my head, and we'll see how well it works out come probably Wednesday. Tomorrow, we're clearing my room out from X-mas stuff, then Tuesday, I'm prepping my room, and then Wednesday... I move my big stuff back in. Fortunately, I have the car - Cheyenne - for the moving process, so I can do a few loads of my smaller stuff... All of my books, my music and pokemon stuff... Stuffed animals... It will be nice to finally be home.
My mom knows that I am bi-gender. Yet, it's still odd for her if I wear female clothing. Can't say it's a surprise, but it's still kind of... blah. I wish she could just ignore it. I am who I am, and that isn't going to change. Either way. I am going to wear my female clothing once in a while, that isn't going to change. Sorry.
I told my dad the other night that I was going to church these days, and that I was running sound. He said that he wouldn't interfere, and that it was a good place for me to work on my sound skills - which is absolutely true. I am glad he wasn't pissed. 'Course, I skipped church this morning, because I wasn't planning on going, as it's X-mas, and therefore family time... Either way. Will go next week. I have to work out a plan this week as how I'm going to go each week, much less if I have to go in mid week to get something done...
Now I just have to recover from all the mental shit my ex put me through, and then everything will be in good shape! Life is improving already.
Yesterday evening was X-mas eve, and we spent it with my mom's side of the family. There were about... oh, forty five of us or so there? Yeah, it was awesome. I got to see most of my cousins, and at least say hi, and I got to have a good long talk about life shit with the two cousins I talk with the most. X-Mas day - today - I spent with my dad's side of the family, and it was good. I'm now glad that I pack my flashlight and other standard gear whenever I go out of the house, as having a flashlight helped me locate a bunch of glass shards tonight when a glass bowl with the stuffing in it fell on the ground... It sucked, but life goes on. We solved the issue and got on with the evening. Beyond that, it was a good day. Lazy too, mostly, as I slept most of the morning.
Now... Now, I get my life back into shape. And most of the pieces are already in motion.
*Evil laughter.*
Until next time.
Peace.
2011/12/19
When Things Go To Hell....
They REALLY go to hell!
My (now-ex)girlfriend and I broke up last night. We realized over the past couple weeks that we were not working out with each other, and things came to a climax Saturday night. A lot of issues came up, and we were unable to work through them. Sunday, more issues came up, and once again, were not discussed. Finally, when she came home Monday early, early morning - after saying she'd be home Sunday night - it counted as the morning though - I attempted to discuss everything.
She'd already made up her mind, though. It was over to her. I'd been trying to deny to myself that that was what was probably going on, because, well, who wants a relationship to end like this? I can't say I was surprised, though - I knew it was coming, soon, because things just weren't working. I just hadn't expected it like this.
On another note, I probably won't have a cell phone soon. Joyous day.
As much as I knew it had been coming, it still hit hard, and I'm still in a bit of a funk. But I'm dealing. Fortunately, I'm spending the day with my sister and doing a few fun things. It helps. Went out to lunch with a group of tech kids from my high school, with whom my sister is close, and so I had a good long conversation about networking and Pokemon. Don't ask about the second. Turns out one of the kids that was with us is one of the school's networking techs, under my old mentor. Was good conversation.
For the past couple weeks, I've been talking with my parents about moving out, and planning it in my head - a tentative date for middle of January. My ex turned around last night and informed me that I needed to be out by the end of the month, as she was shutting down the lease. My other roommate - my best friend - has already been in the process of slowly moving out, so it was an... interesting night. I helped him move some of his gear back to his parent's apartment - at three in the morning- then we went driving for a while. We drove out to a pull off out a few miles from town, and shut down. Out there... You can see the stars. They are EVERYWHERE. And it's so beautiful.
It was exactly what I needed for the time. Afterwards, I was able to return back to the apartment and crash... Proceeded to get two and a half hours of sleep before getting up to spend time with my sister for today.
This morning was definitely a Monday though. No doubt.
Last week, I went up to the church and talked to our Pastor about the entire situation. He told me what I needed to know, and confirmed what I was thinking. It helped make things clear. The only other issue I have to deal with now is convincing my Dad that I'm going to church for the social and sound work, not the religion. Because I will never truly be religious, not a Christian. It's not in me. I am a Humanist, and a Unitarian to an extent. The people at the church are good people, people I like and who consider me an equal - and who appreciate me for my work behind the board. It's who I am, and it's what I can do to make things okay for myself.
Things are going to be in a lurch for a while. At least I know I have somewhere to go home to, no matter what. I will keep updating, somehow...
Until next time.
Peace.
My (now-ex)girlfriend and I broke up last night. We realized over the past couple weeks that we were not working out with each other, and things came to a climax Saturday night. A lot of issues came up, and we were unable to work through them. Sunday, more issues came up, and once again, were not discussed. Finally, when she came home Monday early, early morning - after saying she'd be home Sunday night - it counted as the morning though - I attempted to discuss everything.
She'd already made up her mind, though. It was over to her. I'd been trying to deny to myself that that was what was probably going on, because, well, who wants a relationship to end like this? I can't say I was surprised, though - I knew it was coming, soon, because things just weren't working. I just hadn't expected it like this.
On another note, I probably won't have a cell phone soon. Joyous day.
As much as I knew it had been coming, it still hit hard, and I'm still in a bit of a funk. But I'm dealing. Fortunately, I'm spending the day with my sister and doing a few fun things. It helps. Went out to lunch with a group of tech kids from my high school, with whom my sister is close, and so I had a good long conversation about networking and Pokemon. Don't ask about the second. Turns out one of the kids that was with us is one of the school's networking techs, under my old mentor. Was good conversation.
For the past couple weeks, I've been talking with my parents about moving out, and planning it in my head - a tentative date for middle of January. My ex turned around last night and informed me that I needed to be out by the end of the month, as she was shutting down the lease. My other roommate - my best friend - has already been in the process of slowly moving out, so it was an... interesting night. I helped him move some of his gear back to his parent's apartment - at three in the morning- then we went driving for a while. We drove out to a pull off out a few miles from town, and shut down. Out there... You can see the stars. They are EVERYWHERE. And it's so beautiful.
It was exactly what I needed for the time. Afterwards, I was able to return back to the apartment and crash... Proceeded to get two and a half hours of sleep before getting up to spend time with my sister for today.
This morning was definitely a Monday though. No doubt.
Last week, I went up to the church and talked to our Pastor about the entire situation. He told me what I needed to know, and confirmed what I was thinking. It helped make things clear. The only other issue I have to deal with now is convincing my Dad that I'm going to church for the social and sound work, not the religion. Because I will never truly be religious, not a Christian. It's not in me. I am a Humanist, and a Unitarian to an extent. The people at the church are good people, people I like and who consider me an equal - and who appreciate me for my work behind the board. It's who I am, and it's what I can do to make things okay for myself.
Things are going to be in a lurch for a while. At least I know I have somewhere to go home to, no matter what. I will keep updating, somehow...
Until next time.
Peace.
2011/12/16
Life
(Shortest post ever. A thought that's been pestering me.)
Sometimes... Sometimes life throws more at you than you really can handle. It's no wonder sometimes we break down, over and over, with no real relief and no hope. There's no god out there that's dishing out just enough for us to handle it or whatever... It's all just a game of chance, and some of us just don't get lucky.
How long before we get a break?
Until next time.
Peace.
Sometimes... Sometimes life throws more at you than you really can handle. It's no wonder sometimes we break down, over and over, with no real relief and no hope. There's no god out there that's dishing out just enough for us to handle it or whatever... It's all just a game of chance, and some of us just don't get lucky.
How long before we get a break?
Until next time.
Peace.
2011/12/13
Definitions. They're important
"Say what you mean and mean what you say."
Yeah, yeah. That's a clichéd quote. But it's overused for a reason.
It has annoyed me more and more recently that people so often blatantly contradict themselves (yes, more than just waffling politicians hoping for a vote).
Consistency, people. Where is it?
It isn't, most times, in America, that's the problem, and here are a few of my requests made in order to minimize it:
Don't call yourself a Christian and then take bible verses out of context in order to attack others. The most extreme example of this is the WBC. People like that piss me off. That's why people expect all Christians to be judgmental and hateful - misrepresentation like that. People like me have to live with the fallout of their attitudes. I try not to hate anyone, let alone judge them. But the people that create the stereotypes that the rest of us in any "group" have to constantly argue "most of us really aren't like that!" ...it's hard not to hate them some days.
Also, don't complain about how the government isn't controlling big business enough and keep holding the Cold War-era fear of "Communism." So many people don't realize that communism doesn't mean dictatorship, it means the government distributes money and resources, ideally equally. Communism in theory is actually wonderful: no class divide, everyone has enough money... I would probably advocate a good mix of communism and "do something to earn your money" except for a few key problems. One major practical problem in creating a successful communistic economy exists in finding someone truly unbiased enough to distribute the money while avoiding corruption. People are people, and I doubt we'll ever meet anyone with that internal strength, although since the world is often ironic, anyone suitable is likely to be born into a red-phobic country like ours. Also, initiative in communistic economies tends to be squashed since putting in more effort won't yield you any more reward. If there was a good way to fix everything to an ideal, I would advocate that, but whose ideal are we following? That's one good thing about democracy (NOT 'as opposed to communism,' since it's hard to compare an economic system and a system of government) everyone gets a say in what happens, regardless of how little any one vote is reduced to in the grand scheme of things.
Most of all, don't complain about people thinking you're a slut if you're going to have loud conversations about how much you want to screw somebody. One good friend does this to me constantly. She'll complain endlessly about how guys have come on too strong and their creeper personalities, but then, while arguing with me during class about the hotness of the guy who sits next to me, mimes "I want to fuck him," and makes similar comments in audible conversations. (I don't curse if I can help it, out of habit, so if I'm stressed during an interview or somewhere where it would actually matter to me what people thought, I won't slip and curse and upset someone, but she was close enough that I could read her lips as she silently said the words while miming them. I can't deliberately misquote someone; that's bad journalism...) This is one of my best friends, remember, but I can't help but see why people would assume she sleeps around: she's always talking about sex. Not that there's anything necessarily wrong with that, but don't complain about your reputation if you refuse to change actions that have directly caused it.
Hypocrisy isn't just about religion. People everywhere just need to learn to only say what they really mean.
Also, don't complain about how the government isn't controlling big business enough and keep holding the Cold War-era fear of "Communism." So many people don't realize that communism doesn't mean dictatorship, it means the government distributes money and resources, ideally equally. Communism in theory is actually wonderful: no class divide, everyone has enough money... I would probably advocate a good mix of communism and "do something to earn your money" except for a few key problems. One major practical problem in creating a successful communistic economy exists in finding someone truly unbiased enough to distribute the money while avoiding corruption. People are people, and I doubt we'll ever meet anyone with that internal strength, although since the world is often ironic, anyone suitable is likely to be born into a red-phobic country like ours. Also, initiative in communistic economies tends to be squashed since putting in more effort won't yield you any more reward. If there was a good way to fix everything to an ideal, I would advocate that, but whose ideal are we following? That's one good thing about democracy (NOT 'as opposed to communism,' since it's hard to compare an economic system and a system of government) everyone gets a say in what happens, regardless of how little any one vote is reduced to in the grand scheme of things.
Most of all, don't complain about people thinking you're a slut if you're going to have loud conversations about how much you want to screw somebody. One good friend does this to me constantly. She'll complain endlessly about how guys have come on too strong and their creeper personalities, but then, while arguing with me during class about the hotness of the guy who sits next to me, mimes "I want to fuck him," and makes similar comments in audible conversations. (I don't curse if I can help it, out of habit, so if I'm stressed during an interview or somewhere where it would actually matter to me what people thought, I won't slip and curse and upset someone, but she was close enough that I could read her lips as she silently said the words while miming them. I can't deliberately misquote someone; that's bad journalism...) This is one of my best friends, remember, but I can't help but see why people would assume she sleeps around: she's always talking about sex. Not that there's anything necessarily wrong with that, but don't complain about your reputation if you refuse to change actions that have directly caused it.
Hypocrisy isn't just about religion. People everywhere just need to learn to only say what they really mean.
But yeah... rant over. For now.
Until next time.
Until next time.
2011/12/10
People. They suck.
(Warning: This is a personal post. Heavy amounts of hate may ensue. Labelling may also ensue.)
I am Bi-Gender. It is who I am, and according to my brain, I sure as hell am not going to be returning to the "male" status any time in the future.
Gang? I AM NOT MALE. GET. IT. STRAIGHT. I am Bi-Gender, and therefore have both male and female qualities about me.
Recently, I've been leaning more and more towards my female tendencies, both in dress and mannerisms. This can be problematic, as was proved tonight. I spent the evening with my sister, and we went out in public, to a shopping centre. My sister has a wig, and let me wear it for the evening. So, I went out in my flats, my dress under a (female style) hoodie, and the wig on. This left a minor amount of skin - a little of my chest that would normally be covered by a t-shirt - and therefore odd for me. Problems begin: being physically male, my facial structure is slightly different, and I freaking grow facial hair. Constantly. Kills me. But I shaved this morning, so it shouldn't have really been noticeable... It seems it was. We were passing by a restaurant with full windows, and several of the... patrons... were watching us pass. Now, me, being who I am, know what a suspicious look is. All five of these patrons had it on while watching us. That was the first warning bell that something was seriously up.
The second came, I believe, when those same five patrons drove by us while we were walking back to my sister's apartment - the car with them in it was going slow(er than normal for that road), and the three in the back seat turned to stare at us. Now, these are not just kids. These are high school or early college jocks, the kind that like to beat up people when they decide to. Now mind, I could easily press charges, or take at least a couple of them down with me, but still... I didn't want to put my sister in that situation. Fortunately, they didn't circle or anything that I noticed - and believe me, I was checking.
Third problem was a little farther into that walk. It's dark out - plenty dark - and the only illumination is streetlights. Three other guys were walking in our direction. Having just dealt with a paranoia situation already, I was pretty on edge. We passed the group finally with no incident, but I could hear them as they walked on, with at least one derisive comment about weirdness and some sharp laughter at it. Needless to say, I was pretty jumpy for the rest of the night.
After some analysis, I'm pretty sure there are two things that may have set them off. One, the light stubble. Again. Fuckin' male body. Two, the wig. It was a rather... unnatural shade of black, and looked too much like a wig, not regular hair. I have a feeling that is what really set it off. This tells me two things.... First, I need to get some shit that'll help with the facial hair - apparently it exists - and second, I need a wig that actually looks real.
(For the record: The only reason I want a wig is because my own hair turns into an afro if I grow it out. Not shitting. My dad has the same hair, and when I mentioned straightening it, he said not to bother, because it would just become worse. I'm inclined to believe and agree with him.)
So yeah. I know this was a rant, but I'm tired of all this. I am who I am. Period. Ain't gonna change, and fuck you if you think you can change it. And if, by some chance, you think you can change it, and do something to try to... I will fuck you up. Not threatening, just promising. I don't take too kindly to people who attempt to hurt me. End of line.
Until next time.
Peace.
I am Bi-Gender. It is who I am, and according to my brain, I sure as hell am not going to be returning to the "male" status any time in the future.
Gang? I AM NOT MALE. GET. IT. STRAIGHT. I am Bi-Gender, and therefore have both male and female qualities about me.
Recently, I've been leaning more and more towards my female tendencies, both in dress and mannerisms. This can be problematic, as was proved tonight. I spent the evening with my sister, and we went out in public, to a shopping centre. My sister has a wig, and let me wear it for the evening. So, I went out in my flats, my dress under a (female style) hoodie, and the wig on. This left a minor amount of skin - a little of my chest that would normally be covered by a t-shirt - and therefore odd for me. Problems begin: being physically male, my facial structure is slightly different, and I freaking grow facial hair. Constantly. Kills me. But I shaved this morning, so it shouldn't have really been noticeable... It seems it was. We were passing by a restaurant with full windows, and several of the... patrons... were watching us pass. Now, me, being who I am, know what a suspicious look is. All five of these patrons had it on while watching us. That was the first warning bell that something was seriously up.
The second came, I believe, when those same five patrons drove by us while we were walking back to my sister's apartment - the car with them in it was going slow(er than normal for that road), and the three in the back seat turned to stare at us. Now, these are not just kids. These are high school or early college jocks, the kind that like to beat up people when they decide to. Now mind, I could easily press charges, or take at least a couple of them down with me, but still... I didn't want to put my sister in that situation. Fortunately, they didn't circle or anything that I noticed - and believe me, I was checking.
Third problem was a little farther into that walk. It's dark out - plenty dark - and the only illumination is streetlights. Three other guys were walking in our direction. Having just dealt with a paranoia situation already, I was pretty on edge. We passed the group finally with no incident, but I could hear them as they walked on, with at least one derisive comment about weirdness and some sharp laughter at it. Needless to say, I was pretty jumpy for the rest of the night.
After some analysis, I'm pretty sure there are two things that may have set them off. One, the light stubble. Again. Fuckin' male body. Two, the wig. It was a rather... unnatural shade of black, and looked too much like a wig, not regular hair. I have a feeling that is what really set it off. This tells me two things.... First, I need to get some shit that'll help with the facial hair - apparently it exists - and second, I need a wig that actually looks real.
(For the record: The only reason I want a wig is because my own hair turns into an afro if I grow it out. Not shitting. My dad has the same hair, and when I mentioned straightening it, he said not to bother, because it would just become worse. I'm inclined to believe and agree with him.)
So yeah. I know this was a rant, but I'm tired of all this. I am who I am. Period. Ain't gonna change, and fuck you if you think you can change it. And if, by some chance, you think you can change it, and do something to try to... I will fuck you up. Not threatening, just promising. I don't take too kindly to people who attempt to hurt me. End of line.
Until next time.
Peace.
2011/12/05
Church? ... ... ... Church!
For the past two months or so, my girlfriend and I have been going to church every Sunday morning, and also for the occasional work day like the one mentioned a little while back. I run the soundboard for the service, making sure that our pastor can be heard and that the band is nice and loud. Depending on the week, we have just a guitar and two vocals, all the way up to three guitars, two vocals, a bass, and drums. Things get interesting and fun.
On top of doing sound for that service, I have run sound for the talent show that we recently did as well, having fun with that. That Thursday night was rehearsal, and it went about as abysmally as can be, but that meant that Friday and Saturday nights - the main show nights - actually went pretty well. Murphy very fortunately did not strike anybody during the show, even me as the tech guy. We got more than extremely lucky on that account.
And with that, to the main reason for this post... That Friday night, the pastor of the church, who was playing a part in one of the skits, picked me up and took me over there to do my job. On our way over, several things happened differently than I expected. First and foremost, it was proved to me that our pastor... is human. He cursed, several times in fact - mainly "shit" and "damn". I can't say it completely surprised me, but it certainly relaxed me a bit. Second, he drives like a bat outta hell. He and I get along when it comes to driving - we both have lead feet and are aggressive drivers. (I still think I'm worse though.)
On our way over there, I asked him something I'd been thinking about for a while though. To this point, I have rarely heard of, much less found, any churches that do not view "deviant" gender and sexuality as non-sinful. Having heard some of the things I have about the Catholic church, the Mormon church, Christian churches (I count Westboro Baptist Church as such), and others, I broached this topic with much hesitance. The only reason I was able to even ask it was because of the fact that our pastor is a pretty damned cool guy, and seems to actually try to keep up with reality as it comes - not a common trait among most preachers I know of. He does not wear anything close to the robes of a preacher - he wears jeans, a t-shirt, and a suit jacket. When he preaches, he does not preach about the smiting of us. So I asked him... (These are not the actual words, but it's as close as I can remember.)
"What is the church's - and your - views on gays, lesbians, transgenders, et cetera?"
The answer I got surprised me. "It doesn't bother me so much. I believe that everybody needs ministry. Besides, our downtown campus has a good number of people who fall into those categories."
This made me feel a lot better. Up to that point, I'd been downright scared to even come close to bringing any kind of attention to the fact that I am, in all points, bi+gender, and can't change that. Now, though... Now, maybe it's a possibility to talk to our pastor about it. There is nothing wrong with being of a "deviant" gender or sexuality - far from it - but at the same point, I think it'd be nice to get his view point on it.
It helps that he and I get along, quite well. When it comes to doing sound, he backs me up, and is incredibly understanding, as well as absorbent of the information I provide. He asked me a question a couple weeks ago about the mic he uses at the downtown campus - a wireless headset. A very thin cable runs from the headset to the transceiver in his pocket, and occasionally during his sermon, there'd be a pop, crack, or other something happening. "What is causing that?"
I thought for a minute before explaining. "Cables like that don't like being wound tightly. They are so thin that stretching them too taut will cause them to short, which is what it sounds like is happening here. All I can recommend is replacing the headset with its' cord - not the transceiver or receiver, just the headset."
In my professional opinion, that's what has to happen... You don't repair cables like that, it's too damned tedious. Screw that. (This coming from the one who enjoys the process of trying to solder XLR and 1/4" cables.)
I don't know if the church has the money to replace the piece, but he seems to have taken my advice, at least listening and agreeing. During our work day I mentioned a couple posts ago, we had a piece of sound gear that I figured would be a good addition to our current equipment, and mentioned this to the gang at large. It turns out that the piece was originally supposed to go up for sale, but the pastor stuck up for me and said that I could add it to our working collection, which I am glad for. Shotgun mics are harder to come by than one would think... Even if we don't have a use for it at this moment, it's still usable. Somewhere. I'll figure out where eventually.
I'm apparently a bit of a pack rat? I think that pretty much proves it. Either way.
I'm glad my girlfriend convinced me to come to the original concert, and that I had the guts to talk to the pastor and assistant pastor. If I hadn't... I wouldn't be in the community I am now. These are good people, better than many I've met, in a not-so-good area. For all that, I am thankful that they have accepted me and given me the freedom I need to do what I need with my job. (For instance - this past week, I was allowed to go in and completely reorganise the sound booth and set some things up to make it all work. I had the full support of the staff there, trying to get the job done - including going out of their way to make sure I got that help.)
It isn't a large church, and I'm glad of that. That small-church feel means that I have the chance to step up and DO something, serve a cause that I like. May not... Fully support, but one I like. It means I can do sound, and means that I can volunteer to do other things, like run sound in the coffee shop we're working on.
I think I got lucky. Now as long as my dad doesn't find out about this, I'll be fine....
Until next time.
Peace.
On top of doing sound for that service, I have run sound for the talent show that we recently did as well, having fun with that. That Thursday night was rehearsal, and it went about as abysmally as can be, but that meant that Friday and Saturday nights - the main show nights - actually went pretty well. Murphy very fortunately did not strike anybody during the show, even me as the tech guy. We got more than extremely lucky on that account.
And with that, to the main reason for this post... That Friday night, the pastor of the church, who was playing a part in one of the skits, picked me up and took me over there to do my job. On our way over, several things happened differently than I expected. First and foremost, it was proved to me that our pastor... is human. He cursed, several times in fact - mainly "shit" and "damn". I can't say it completely surprised me, but it certainly relaxed me a bit. Second, he drives like a bat outta hell. He and I get along when it comes to driving - we both have lead feet and are aggressive drivers. (I still think I'm worse though.)
On our way over there, I asked him something I'd been thinking about for a while though. To this point, I have rarely heard of, much less found, any churches that do not view "deviant" gender and sexuality as non-sinful. Having heard some of the things I have about the Catholic church, the Mormon church, Christian churches (I count Westboro Baptist Church as such), and others, I broached this topic with much hesitance. The only reason I was able to even ask it was because of the fact that our pastor is a pretty damned cool guy, and seems to actually try to keep up with reality as it comes - not a common trait among most preachers I know of. He does not wear anything close to the robes of a preacher - he wears jeans, a t-shirt, and a suit jacket. When he preaches, he does not preach about the smiting of us. So I asked him... (These are not the actual words, but it's as close as I can remember.)
"What is the church's - and your - views on gays, lesbians, transgenders, et cetera?"
The answer I got surprised me. "It doesn't bother me so much. I believe that everybody needs ministry. Besides, our downtown campus has a good number of people who fall into those categories."
This made me feel a lot better. Up to that point, I'd been downright scared to even come close to bringing any kind of attention to the fact that I am, in all points, bi+gender, and can't change that. Now, though... Now, maybe it's a possibility to talk to our pastor about it. There is nothing wrong with being of a "deviant" gender or sexuality - far from it - but at the same point, I think it'd be nice to get his view point on it.
It helps that he and I get along, quite well. When it comes to doing sound, he backs me up, and is incredibly understanding, as well as absorbent of the information I provide. He asked me a question a couple weeks ago about the mic he uses at the downtown campus - a wireless headset. A very thin cable runs from the headset to the transceiver in his pocket, and occasionally during his sermon, there'd be a pop, crack, or other something happening. "What is causing that?"
I thought for a minute before explaining. "Cables like that don't like being wound tightly. They are so thin that stretching them too taut will cause them to short, which is what it sounds like is happening here. All I can recommend is replacing the headset with its' cord - not the transceiver or receiver, just the headset."
In my professional opinion, that's what has to happen... You don't repair cables like that, it's too damned tedious. Screw that. (This coming from the one who enjoys the process of trying to solder XLR and 1/4" cables.)
I don't know if the church has the money to replace the piece, but he seems to have taken my advice, at least listening and agreeing. During our work day I mentioned a couple posts ago, we had a piece of sound gear that I figured would be a good addition to our current equipment, and mentioned this to the gang at large. It turns out that the piece was originally supposed to go up for sale, but the pastor stuck up for me and said that I could add it to our working collection, which I am glad for. Shotgun mics are harder to come by than one would think... Even if we don't have a use for it at this moment, it's still usable. Somewhere. I'll figure out where eventually.
I'm apparently a bit of a pack rat? I think that pretty much proves it. Either way.
I'm glad my girlfriend convinced me to come to the original concert, and that I had the guts to talk to the pastor and assistant pastor. If I hadn't... I wouldn't be in the community I am now. These are good people, better than many I've met, in a not-so-good area. For all that, I am thankful that they have accepted me and given me the freedom I need to do what I need with my job. (For instance - this past week, I was allowed to go in and completely reorganise the sound booth and set some things up to make it all work. I had the full support of the staff there, trying to get the job done - including going out of their way to make sure I got that help.)
It isn't a large church, and I'm glad of that. That small-church feel means that I have the chance to step up and DO something, serve a cause that I like. May not... Fully support, but one I like. It means I can do sound, and means that I can volunteer to do other things, like run sound in the coffee shop we're working on.
I think I got lucky. Now as long as my dad doesn't find out about this, I'll be fine....
Until next time.
Peace.
2011/12/01
There's a First Time for Everything
Considering my last post included a spiel on how I really don't know what to call myself in terms of sexuality, some might wonder why I chose at all to make my main online persona bisexual. I mean, why would someone deliberately choose a self-description that most of society fails to accept, and actively hates? Let me tell a story to clarify some of this.
Really, I just have my moments. I have a lot of asexual moments, I have adore-my-boyfriend moments, and I definitely have lesbian moments. I even used to have homophobic moments, but that was before I really started thinking beyond the attitude I'd absorbed from my mother. The combination of the middle two basically make me bi. I have few enough lesbian moments, though, that I can pretend to be fully straight at times, which is useful since so many people are still homophobic, including my parents.
But I promised a story:
The first time I ever, even within my own brain, considered myself bisexual was when I wound up crushing on a friend, big time. This girl was... actually she is still a close friend of mine. We've spent the night at each others' houses more times than I can count. Naturally, since we're such close friends, we always set it up so that we have the time to hang out with each other practically all day after spending the night. One such day, actually one of the rare times at my house, we were sitting around, pretending to be cats.
It really is not unusual for us to be acting crazy like that. We'd been discussing how much better life would be as a cat - each of us had ex-boyfriend drama to work out, and it would be easy, if we were cats, to be adorable enough, get adopted by our guys, and cuddle 24-7 because no one gets mad at a cat for trying, and no reasonable girlfriend gets jealous of a cat.
Regardless of our reasons why, we were meowing at each other. She was more into it than I was, though, so I was back to the human role of scratching her head, especially behind her ears. Somewhere in the process, I began realizing that I wasn't thinking of it so much as scratching a cat's head but as caressing her ear and almost her cheek or the rest of her head, just like I'd done with my ex at times. My first boyfriend (the recent ex from the perspective of this story) was really the most influential person in teaching me not to be homophobic, so for the first time, my knee-jerk emotional reaction to that realization was, "that's… unusual, that I think of her this way," instead of "I must be mistaken, I can't like a girl!" In the past, when the latter reaction was my response, I had always managed to think myself out of crushing on someone. In this case, I just hadn't admitted it to myself yet.
This friend of mine is also a cuddler - if we sit down near each other, I instantly become a pillow, even if she's not tired, and that day, she was still tired despite the fact that we'd slept almost 12 hours the night before. Normally, I would bemusedly tolerate my pillow status, but that day, I had to force myself to act normal while the sheer presence of her warm body was making me unreasonably happy, especially when she quit hugging my knees on the couch we were sharing (I had my back up against one armrest) and laid down next to me, her head almost on my chest, in the perfect position for me to hug her shoulders. By this point, I was starting to realize that I liked her, but the words hadn't come to mind yet.
Along with the fact that she was hugging my legs at one point, she started scraping her teeth along my knee "because that's what cats do." I had jeans on at the time, and she was doing that lightly, so it really just tickled. I'm really ticklish, so I squirmed away at first. After a few times that she'd done it, I got over the fact that it tickled, and the fact that it was more unusual than I'd been expecting, even from her, and I realized it was oddly… pleasant. I figured out for the first time what was meant by the expression "butterflies in your stomach." It's a bit unusual, and if I was naming the sensation, I don't think I would use "butterflies," I would more likely say "inchworms." If you've ever let an inchworm crawl across your finger, with the slight pull its feet give your skin as it moves that almost tickles and really just feels weird, that's a much closer sensation to what I felt than butterflies' wings hitting you. And the physical contact, dare I say was a turn-on? Not even close to the level of making-out-wonderful, but still undeniable, and it lasted all day, even after she went home, which I wasn't used to. (Fortunately, in a girl's body, it's really easy to hide any sign of being turned on from anyone else: just don't say anything about it and leave your pants on.) That was when I really knew that it wasn't just in my mind, I was crushing badly on my friend.
Then I had to be sure for myself. Really, truly, sure. One of the first bi-curious moments I'd had (long before dating anyone) involved total bliss when a particular friend, different than the one in this story, had brushed my hair. A lot of people are fascinated with my hair, so it wasn't hard at all to subtly suggest that my friend brush my hair, without mentioning my experimental attitude toward the experience. She was enthusiastic and didn't ask questions, which saved me from a fair bit of awkwardness. The magic of having someone else brush my hair was different than in the memory I mentioned, but no less present. Her gentle fingers brushed against my neck at times, when she would separate my hair into manageable sections. It was ecstasy; a silent, forbidden thrill. Suddenly I couldn't stop seeing how beautifully delicate she was. No doubt remained, I had fallen firmly head over heels for one of my best friends.
What did I do about it? Nothing at all, at first. Even before I had that internal crisis/self recognition, we'd had enough discussions that homosexuality had come up, and I knew she didn't mind gay people, and I misremembered, thinking she was 100% straight herself. Along with some recent drama between her and another friend, female, who my friend claimed forced her to break up with her ex because, among other reasons, [this other friend] liked her, she also tended to tell everyone about all her drama, so I decided I had more than enough reason to stay quiet, especially as I was still unsure if I was truly bisexual (and still cringing at the word because I wasn't used to it). Eventually, though, I mentioned it to her. I discovered that she was also at least bi-curious. I tried to avoid forcing the issue, but it seemed she felt compelled to ask me out anyway. Needless to say, with such a shaky start, our relationship unfortunately did not last long. On the other hand, we remain good friends, which is quite a useful trick. I'm lucky like that; I've been able to remain friends with all of my exes, even after breaking up.
The next challenge was my parents. Homophobia galore to face on this front. They still don't know of my moments. I've decided that they don't need to be told, but I'm willing to face the fire if they find out by accident.
So why do I identify immediately as bisexual? Because I know, somewhere deep within me that despite how rarely it happens, I still fall for girls once in a while. I have to express all sides of myself somewhere, so online is where the hidden parts of me are revealed. I am indeed bisexual, and I wish I could say unashamed. For now, at least I know who and what I am.
Until next time.
Really, I just have my moments. I have a lot of asexual moments, I have adore-my-boyfriend moments, and I definitely have lesbian moments. I even used to have homophobic moments, but that was before I really started thinking beyond the attitude I'd absorbed from my mother. The combination of the middle two basically make me bi. I have few enough lesbian moments, though, that I can pretend to be fully straight at times, which is useful since so many people are still homophobic, including my parents.
But I promised a story:
The first time I ever, even within my own brain, considered myself bisexual was when I wound up crushing on a friend, big time. This girl was... actually she is still a close friend of mine. We've spent the night at each others' houses more times than I can count. Naturally, since we're such close friends, we always set it up so that we have the time to hang out with each other practically all day after spending the night. One such day, actually one of the rare times at my house, we were sitting around, pretending to be cats.
It really is not unusual for us to be acting crazy like that. We'd been discussing how much better life would be as a cat - each of us had ex-boyfriend drama to work out, and it would be easy, if we were cats, to be adorable enough, get adopted by our guys, and cuddle 24-7 because no one gets mad at a cat for trying, and no reasonable girlfriend gets jealous of a cat.
Regardless of our reasons why, we were meowing at each other. She was more into it than I was, though, so I was back to the human role of scratching her head, especially behind her ears. Somewhere in the process, I began realizing that I wasn't thinking of it so much as scratching a cat's head but as caressing her ear and almost her cheek or the rest of her head, just like I'd done with my ex at times. My first boyfriend (the recent ex from the perspective of this story) was really the most influential person in teaching me not to be homophobic, so for the first time, my knee-jerk emotional reaction to that realization was, "that's… unusual, that I think of her this way," instead of "I must be mistaken, I can't like a girl!" In the past, when the latter reaction was my response, I had always managed to think myself out of crushing on someone. In this case, I just hadn't admitted it to myself yet.
This friend of mine is also a cuddler - if we sit down near each other, I instantly become a pillow, even if she's not tired, and that day, she was still tired despite the fact that we'd slept almost 12 hours the night before. Normally, I would bemusedly tolerate my pillow status, but that day, I had to force myself to act normal while the sheer presence of her warm body was making me unreasonably happy, especially when she quit hugging my knees on the couch we were sharing (I had my back up against one armrest) and laid down next to me, her head almost on my chest, in the perfect position for me to hug her shoulders. By this point, I was starting to realize that I liked her, but the words hadn't come to mind yet.
Along with the fact that she was hugging my legs at one point, she started scraping her teeth along my knee "because that's what cats do." I had jeans on at the time, and she was doing that lightly, so it really just tickled. I'm really ticklish, so I squirmed away at first. After a few times that she'd done it, I got over the fact that it tickled, and the fact that it was more unusual than I'd been expecting, even from her, and I realized it was oddly… pleasant. I figured out for the first time what was meant by the expression "butterflies in your stomach." It's a bit unusual, and if I was naming the sensation, I don't think I would use "butterflies," I would more likely say "inchworms." If you've ever let an inchworm crawl across your finger, with the slight pull its feet give your skin as it moves that almost tickles and really just feels weird, that's a much closer sensation to what I felt than butterflies' wings hitting you. And the physical contact, dare I say was a turn-on? Not even close to the level of making-out-wonderful, but still undeniable, and it lasted all day, even after she went home, which I wasn't used to. (Fortunately, in a girl's body, it's really easy to hide any sign of being turned on from anyone else: just don't say anything about it and leave your pants on.) That was when I really knew that it wasn't just in my mind, I was crushing badly on my friend.
Then I had to be sure for myself. Really, truly, sure. One of the first bi-curious moments I'd had (long before dating anyone) involved total bliss when a particular friend, different than the one in this story, had brushed my hair. A lot of people are fascinated with my hair, so it wasn't hard at all to subtly suggest that my friend brush my hair, without mentioning my experimental attitude toward the experience. She was enthusiastic and didn't ask questions, which saved me from a fair bit of awkwardness. The magic of having someone else brush my hair was different than in the memory I mentioned, but no less present. Her gentle fingers brushed against my neck at times, when she would separate my hair into manageable sections. It was ecstasy; a silent, forbidden thrill. Suddenly I couldn't stop seeing how beautifully delicate she was. No doubt remained, I had fallen firmly head over heels for one of my best friends.
What did I do about it? Nothing at all, at first. Even before I had that internal crisis/self recognition, we'd had enough discussions that homosexuality had come up, and I knew she didn't mind gay people, and I misremembered, thinking she was 100% straight herself. Along with some recent drama between her and another friend, female, who my friend claimed forced her to break up with her ex because, among other reasons, [this other friend] liked her, she also tended to tell everyone about all her drama, so I decided I had more than enough reason to stay quiet, especially as I was still unsure if I was truly bisexual (and still cringing at the word because I wasn't used to it). Eventually, though, I mentioned it to her. I discovered that she was also at least bi-curious. I tried to avoid forcing the issue, but it seemed she felt compelled to ask me out anyway. Needless to say, with such a shaky start, our relationship unfortunately did not last long. On the other hand, we remain good friends, which is quite a useful trick. I'm lucky like that; I've been able to remain friends with all of my exes, even after breaking up.
The next challenge was my parents. Homophobia galore to face on this front. They still don't know of my moments. I've decided that they don't need to be told, but I'm willing to face the fire if they find out by accident.
So why do I identify immediately as bisexual? Because I know, somewhere deep within me that despite how rarely it happens, I still fall for girls once in a while. I have to express all sides of myself somewhere, so online is where the hidden parts of me are revealed. I am indeed bisexual, and I wish I could say unashamed. For now, at least I know who and what I am.
Until next time.
A Couple Amendments...
A little over a week ago, I got wind of a problem that is seriously going to do some damage to this country - and our freedoms - if it passes. Congress is currently attempting to put two bills through called SOPA - Stop Online Piracy Act - and PIPA - Protect IP Act - which, on the surface, seems benign. This is, as usual, not true. This bill does not stop piracy. It allows the United States Corporate (it's no longer Federal) Government to censor whatever it wants, going in and out of the US (using OUR tax dollars!). In case any of you are daft, let me spell it out for you...
This bill will violate our First Amendment. (Wikipedia) Our First Amendment: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."
Woo! Oh man, where to start... Considering how constantly Congress has been trying to violate just that Amendment lately, I could give so very many examples. But, let us stick to the subject matter at hand.
Censor: "an official who examines books, plays, news reports, motion pictures, radio and television programs, letters, cablegrams, etc., for the purpose of suppressing parts deemed objectionable on moral, political, military, or other grounds."
Censorship: "the act or practice of censoring."
Notice anything about what I said earlier - about SOPA being a censorship act? Having read those definitions, I'm pretty sure it's quite clear exactly how all this fits together... Censorship violates our freedom of speech. (And from that alone, violates each of those other freedoms.) This act will allow the corporate government the ability to pull anything it finds as "piracy", even if it's just a bare technicality.
Imagine the damage this could do! Sites like Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, eBay, and many others could all be shut down just because they come CLOSE to having piracy attached to them. Anything with user posted content would be subject to closure. Hell, if the act went into effect today, I would be fucked. Look at the number of times I've slammed our Corporate Overlords lately! I'd disappear before anybody knew what happened... I'm sure they could find something to stick me with.
My girlfriend and I watched V For Vendetta last night (again). After having seen it a couple weeks ago, it sent eerie chills down my spine multiple times, especially when V was talking about the "Ministry of Objectionable Materials". I could see one of those coming up so fast it'd give us all whiplash. That movie is a little different from what's going on now, because it wasn't the corporates that took over the government, it was just a regular federal government... But we're going on the same basic path right here in the good ole (yes, ole, not old - because you know, we're a bunch of backwater hillbillies) United States of America. Joy!
Watching the bullshit unfold the other day on Facebook, somebody had the absolute gall to blame this shit on Obama. Me, being who I am, immediately stepped up and took a mighty swing. Called their bullshit so fast it wasn't even funny. It's not Obama who's supporting this - in fact, seeing who was sponsoring it, it almost made me laugh, as there were more Republicans than Democrats there. Sadly, I'm not surprised. I wish I hadn't seen something like this coming.
Dammit, we're not China, people! We don't need a great firewall! And I can guarantee that if this act does pass, there will be riots in the streets that will make the Occupy Wall Street movement look like a couple people loitering around. Forget peaceable assembly.
For centuries, people of the world over have used what is referred to as "Right of Revolution" to change their political structure and make things better. This, of course, is not in our Constitution or its' Amendments, even though it is getting to the point where it is needed. It is listed in the Constitutions of several states, even in Kentucky's. (Wikipedia) "All power is inherent in the people, and all free governments are founded on their authority and instituted for their peace, safety, happiness and the protection of property. For the advancement of these ends, they have at all times an inalienable and indefeasible right to alter, reform or abolish their government in such manner as they may deem proper." I don't know about you, but that tells me what I need to know. This government is not doing its' job.
If the current political situation doesn't tell you that we need reform, I don't know what will.
One other item to tackle.
(Wikipedia) Second Amendment: "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."
We've been lucky so far - to this point, there have been few serious (reported) attempts at curtailing this amendment. Unfortunately, with our government going the way it is, I wouldn't be too surprised if it were to happen that somebody tried to put a lock on this one. I'm a Liberal Democrat, but apparently don't hold true to that some days - for instance, in this case, I like my full usage of this amendment.
A few days ago, my girlfriend and I spent a few hours at the house of a family we consider friends from church. These are awesome people, and have done nothing but good for us. The whole family owns weapons - father, mother, and son. All of them are shooters, and the father carries concealed almost all the time.
If there is anybody in the world I can trust... It would be them. They have proven to me - if nothing else by honesty and their trust of other people - that they are trustworthy. Crazy, maybe. But trustworthy. And if there's anybody out there that I'd rather have watching my back and carrying? It's them.
I'm afraid to see what my own party will try to do though (democrats) once another attack or two happen. They WILL happen, that much is inevitable. I don't know when, or where, or by who to who. But I know they will, because it is human. I will stand against any bill that tries to prohibit these rights though, just like I'm standing against that which is attacking our first amendment.
A statement I rather like... "I may not like you, but I will defend to my death your right to go fuck yourself." Crude as it may be, it's my attitude towards these situations. I may despise you, may want you deader than dead, but I will defend your rights. (Side note: Try to stab me in the back and I'll make sure you don't ever use that hand again. I'll still defend your rights though.)
Until next time.
Peace.
2011/11/27
Desensitisation
(This topic was recommended to me by Kara. I'mma write on it and see where it goes.)
(The Free Dictionary) Desensitisation : the process of reducing sensitivity.
We throw the word around, never really thinking about exactly what it means to each of us and what it has DONE to each of us. I say this and now everybody stares at me going, "well of course we know what it means and what it's done"... Except for that's bullshit, of the purest kind.
It's obvious to me that we no longer know what it means - what it has done - when somebody who is close to me can relate a story to me which shows just how desensitised we really are. She tells me of a time that she saw a man in a blue jacket on a street corner being kicked in the head, and nobody seemed to care, much less do anything - people turning a blind eye in their cars or thinking "What are those hooligans up to now? Ah well, doesn't matter." Nobody knows the non-movie-staged emotional argument from beforehand, so what's the matter? As long as everybody's far enough away not to get involved themselves - and get hurt - it doesn't matter. Right?
Right?
No. WRONG. That is fucking WRONG, gang. I don't even know if there's a way for me to express the wrongness of it, not to mention the anger behind that sentiment I am feeling. Our society took a seriously wrong turn somewhere along the lines for the worse. The much worse.
It's not like that is an isolated incident. Where were the police when this was happening? Probably busy trying to do damage to civilians who were peacefully protesting the wrongfulness of our country at the moment - at the Occupy movements. They're there, while somewhere else, somebody on a street corner is getting his head kicked in because nobody will step up and HELP, much less the people with guns and badges (said in that order because they seem to like shooting first and asking questions later).
Oh yeah. If somebody who actually exercises their second amendment rights decides to get involved - that is to say, pulling a gun on the aggressor, if they pull the trigger, they can be indicted on murder charges, even though they're attempting to save another person's life. Vigilante or not, they're trying to help somebody. If they only shoot to maim or cause pain, they can be sued later for it by the ATTACKER. Make sense? Nope. But that's how it is. (This is a topic for another time.)
We don't care anymore. Human life no longer holds value except to a select few, and only then because they care about the person involved. We see it everyday - in person, on the television, on our online news outlet of choice. Human life just doesn't matter anymore. Sadly, I am no longer surprised when I see stories like this, just saddened.
Unfortunately, this connects all too well with a subject we all know I hold dear. Along with this general lack of caring about other's lives, it seems that life in the LGBTQ community is valued by even fewer. The news stories talking about a gay young man being beaten to a pulp, a lesbian taking her own life because of what her classmates said about her, a transgender person being beaten up in a McDonalds while the staff just looked on. Why is it?
We all have our own lives, our own problems. Maybe that's what it is, that we're too busy being self absorbed that we don't SEE what's going on to other people. Too busy worrying about making rent or paying the electric bill. Too busy trying to get to a job site so that we can get bitched at by the customer for their internet running too slow, or to work because we're late. Is that what it is? That we just simply fail to see what's going on? Or is it simply apathy?
Something's gotta change.
Until next time.
Peace.
(The Free Dictionary) Desensitisation : the process of reducing sensitivity.
We throw the word around, never really thinking about exactly what it means to each of us and what it has DONE to each of us. I say this and now everybody stares at me going, "well of course we know what it means and what it's done"... Except for that's bullshit, of the purest kind.
It's obvious to me that we no longer know what it means - what it has done - when somebody who is close to me can relate a story to me which shows just how desensitised we really are. She tells me of a time that she saw a man in a blue jacket on a street corner being kicked in the head, and nobody seemed to care, much less do anything - people turning a blind eye in their cars or thinking "What are those hooligans up to now? Ah well, doesn't matter." Nobody knows the non-movie-staged emotional argument from beforehand, so what's the matter? As long as everybody's far enough away not to get involved themselves - and get hurt - it doesn't matter. Right?
Right?
No. WRONG. That is fucking WRONG, gang. I don't even know if there's a way for me to express the wrongness of it, not to mention the anger behind that sentiment I am feeling. Our society took a seriously wrong turn somewhere along the lines for the worse. The much worse.
It's not like that is an isolated incident. Where were the police when this was happening? Probably busy trying to do damage to civilians who were peacefully protesting the wrongfulness of our country at the moment - at the Occupy movements. They're there, while somewhere else, somebody on a street corner is getting his head kicked in because nobody will step up and HELP, much less the people with guns and badges (said in that order because they seem to like shooting first and asking questions later).
Oh yeah. If somebody who actually exercises their second amendment rights decides to get involved - that is to say, pulling a gun on the aggressor, if they pull the trigger, they can be indicted on murder charges, even though they're attempting to save another person's life. Vigilante or not, they're trying to help somebody. If they only shoot to maim or cause pain, they can be sued later for it by the ATTACKER. Make sense? Nope. But that's how it is. (This is a topic for another time.)
We don't care anymore. Human life no longer holds value except to a select few, and only then because they care about the person involved. We see it everyday - in person, on the television, on our online news outlet of choice. Human life just doesn't matter anymore. Sadly, I am no longer surprised when I see stories like this, just saddened.
Unfortunately, this connects all too well with a subject we all know I hold dear. Along with this general lack of caring about other's lives, it seems that life in the LGBTQ community is valued by even fewer. The news stories talking about a gay young man being beaten to a pulp, a lesbian taking her own life because of what her classmates said about her, a transgender person being beaten up in a McDonalds while the staff just looked on. Why is it?
We all have our own lives, our own problems. Maybe that's what it is, that we're too busy being self absorbed that we don't SEE what's going on to other people. Too busy worrying about making rent or paying the electric bill. Too busy trying to get to a job site so that we can get bitched at by the customer for their internet running too slow, or to work because we're late. Is that what it is? That we just simply fail to see what's going on? Or is it simply apathy?
Something's gotta change.
Until next time.
Peace.
2011/11/24
Thanksgiving
Welcome... To... The Hollow Daze! (In case you can't interpret, that's holidays for you normal people...)
Why are the holidays a hollow daze? After a while, it's hard to have a happy time during these couple months when you realise how many people you have loved that can no longer be there to celebrate with you. It puts a pretty big damper on things, knowing that those people are no longer there physically to hug and hold, even though they are still in our hearts.
It's hard to stomach these days when you think about all the people you may know who don't have anybody to celebrate with, or have lost their loved ones. One specific (separated) couple I know lost their son, and now the holidays are just a time of hate and sadness for them. Having been a friend of their son, I understand how they feel, and it rather permeates my own feelings in the process. Being an Empath doesn't help...
All of it hurts - I wish there was another way to say that which would soften it, but in the end, there isn't. Thing is...
As much hatred as I have built up towards the hollowdaze, and everything else I still have reasons to be - and still am - thankful. I have amazing friends, an awesome girlfriend, more family than I can keep track of that are awesome - blood and non-blood - a great group of people at our church, and you guys. Because without readers, what's a blog worth? Not a whole lot... So thanks, gang.
Until next time. Happy Turkey Day.
Peace.
Why are the holidays a hollow daze? After a while, it's hard to have a happy time during these couple months when you realise how many people you have loved that can no longer be there to celebrate with you. It puts a pretty big damper on things, knowing that those people are no longer there physically to hug and hold, even though they are still in our hearts.
It's hard to stomach these days when you think about all the people you may know who don't have anybody to celebrate with, or have lost their loved ones. One specific (separated) couple I know lost their son, and now the holidays are just a time of hate and sadness for them. Having been a friend of their son, I understand how they feel, and it rather permeates my own feelings in the process. Being an Empath doesn't help...
All of it hurts - I wish there was another way to say that which would soften it, but in the end, there isn't. Thing is...
As much hatred as I have built up towards the hollowdaze, and everything else I still have reasons to be - and still am - thankful. I have amazing friends, an awesome girlfriend, more family than I can keep track of that are awesome - blood and non-blood - a great group of people at our church, and you guys. Because without readers, what's a blog worth? Not a whole lot... So thanks, gang.
Until next time. Happy Turkey Day.
Peace.
2011/11/20
"How can you know me?"
Yes, another reference to that amazing play I mentioned... It's good I say. And actually relevant to some of what I'm going to say here.
On a whim the other day, I took the S.A.G.E. - the Sex and Gender Explorer Test.
Sidenote: I think it's funny that the acronym is "sage" as in the spice or a wise person. Either way, I love interesting spices and I have great respect for the wise, so I thought that was sort of cool. It was probably deliberate, to spell a word meaning "wise" to reinforce the impression that its analysis of whoever's life was a knowledgeable and wise explanation, since the two are definitely not the same. But that gets weird to think about. I usually choose to stop at the "cool acronym!" phase.
I didn't expect my results to be life shattering, after all, my gender identity is very unlike my sexuality, which even now I'm unsure about (really, bisexual is just the closest recognizable fit for me. Depending on my mood, I range between bi-curious and asexual, but "bi-curious" sounds wishy-washy and asexual sounds like a biology term: no sex organs - even though I just mean I'm honestly not attracted to anyone. And bisexual is neatly between the two, sound- and meaning-wise, so I usually just say that. Really, I'm attracted to boys and girls about equally, but it's "barely at all" for both groups. And my mother is sort of… homophobic seems to be an understatement, because it's not fear she exudes, but hatred. With as major of an influence as she's been on my life, that slowed down the whole process of coming out, even to myself. Online, though, with a pseudonym on a blog she's never heard of, I can go to the other extreme and pretend I already know exactly what I am. Naturally, with the stage I'm at, if I'm meeting someone and they either seem homophobic, or I really don't know how they feel [if it comes up at all] I'll claim to be straight since that minimizes conflict, and might only be stretching the truth.) In contrast, I've always been confident and comfortable with my gender: female, assigned at birth to fit my body. Needless to say, I was a bit surprised when the test told me my mind was androgynous, since I've never really doubted that I was a girl.
A peek at what the test told me:
Your Raw Score is: -340, which indicates that overall you are Androgynous
Your appearance is Feminine
Your brain processes are mostly that of a Androgynous person.
You appear to socialize in a masculine manner.
You believe you have mild conflicts about your gender identity.
You indicated your were born Female.
ANALYSIS:
Female to Male Crossdresser
NOTES:
* Your Answers indicate your psychological state has likely prevailed since you were quite young.
* You are in a statistical minority as a anallophilic crossdresser. Most crossdressers are heterosexual. Your motivation for crossdressing may be driven by the undirected nature of your sexuality, as a way to more fully explore the Male gender role.
Digging a little deeper, though, the results aren't really surprising…
Well, actually, not knowing what my "Raw Score" means, it's hard to be surprised or not by it. I don't know how the score -340 means I'm androgynous, but I suppose the subheadings might clear things up.
First, let's look at the fact that it has accused me of cross-dressing. I've hated skirts since I was little, and I have to have pockets since I don't like to have a purse to keep track of, but I still want to have my stuff with me. The pockets thing usually leads me to shop in the men's section of stores, because a lot of womens' clothing either doesn't have pockets, or has pathetically shallow pockets that I'd be hesitant to keep even my phone in. And, okay, I know that the buttons on polo shirts go different ways if the shirt is designed for a boy or a girl, but I know I have both in my closet, and I don't know which is which. So I wear boys' shirts too, apparently. And all of that combined makes me a cross-dresser. Okay, interesting. I don't deliberately cross-dress, but it is sort of funny to think about: the next time I'm introduced to someone - "hi, I'm a cross-dresser!" No, I'm too quiet for that, but what am I supposed to do with that new insight into my own mind? Interesting, also, that it differentiates between "heterosexual cross-dressers" (what does that even mean? As in, how are the ideas related?) and anallophilic (which apparently means "not liking another" or basically asexual) cross-dressing. (And there is no homosexual cross-dressing, so apparently your stereotypical drag queen isn't cross-dressing at all?) Confusing. But it's true that I don't get turned on by cross-dressing, which is apparently a common motivation.
Moving on. I look female. Well, of course I do. My body is normal-girl shaped and sized, and about the only way I care about my appearance is my hair (longish) so it looks very feminine. But there's really no surprises in this section. Unless there would have been a question about makeup, which of course I don't use, and if that answer had been significant enough to tell me I looked androgynous, well, that would be ridiculous, but I suppose that wouldn't surprise me much more. (Also, I was born female. That statement just reiterates exactly what I put for the last question. I'm pretty sure I know I was born female, and considering it was the last question, I remember what my answer was.)
I appear to socialize in a masculine manner. Well, I'm really talkative, and that's definitely a stereotype about females. But my best friends in elementary school were guys. (That's not true, my few REALLY close friends were all girls, but most of the friends I was comfortable enough with to deliberately hang out with were guys.) I also tend to be socially oblivious, and completely ignorant of fashion. So I suppose with all the relevant interpersonal interaction implied with those last two, I could reasonably be described as interacting in a masculine way. In theory, yes, I see where the test came up with that, but in practice, most of my close friends are girls now and I do enjoy long conversations and hanging out just to discuss life rather than constantly competing to one-up each other and never talking: the converse stereotype about boys. So here especially, I disagree with whoever made the test.
Finally, that word androgynous. My brain functions are mostly androgynous. Well, I suppose since I love reading (english and social studies are typically the "female domain" of education) and I'm also really good at math (male-dominated) and since apparently social interaction, etc have already been accounted for (in the last paragraph) I don't really know what else was factored into this section, so I can't agree or dispute it. I mean, yeah, I'm a mess of contradictions: I'm outdoorsy but periodically I freak about getting wet or muddy. I used to wear a bracelet that symbolically promised to obey God's will (I'm a Christian, remember, and by extension that meant to obey my parents…) and an anklet from my boyfriend at the time, that my parents seemed to be pressing me to break up with… (I didn't want to break up with him either, that's why I was still wearing it, but also keeping it hidden. An ankle is out of the way enough to not be seen under most circumstances.) But I don't see how those, or even my crazier contradictions, would affect analysis of how I THINK like a particular gender, (neither, as it turns out, but you know what I mean… The second example is conflicting sides of an emotional debate: typically drama you'd expect from a girl, if we're sticking with the stereotypes. It's not that my conflicting sides make me necessarily androgynous.)
I "believe [I] have mild conflicts about [my] gender identity." Hmm, really? The implication of that is a touch different than the option I clicked, which seemed to say I believe I have normal doubts about my gender identity. Little bit of a difference in connotation. But whatever, I'm sure that doesn't affect too much next to the subheadings already there, that tell me I'm female, male, and androgynous in different parts of my life, which seems to average out to androgynous.
So, in summary, I look like a girl and I don't hide it, but i think androgynously and I socialize like a boy. All that combined makes me androgynous? Okay, apparently so. I now know that much more about myself.
The bigger question is: how well can tests like this really describe people? My startling answers led me to some interesting introspection, but that included arguing that the answers were actually wrong. Personality quizzes of any sort (even more serious ones like this) can't describe you with anything more than the information you directly feed them, so why bother? Obviously you know as much about yourself as the quiz, so why can't introspection serve? Actually, I'm sure you know more about yourself than that. Where am I going with this? Just be smart: only you really know yourself. No one else can pretend to. Don't let someone else tell you who you are unless you're already positive it matches. Be yourself. That's all that matters.
Until next time.
On a whim the other day, I took the S.A.G.E. - the Sex and Gender Explorer Test.
Sidenote: I think it's funny that the acronym is "sage" as in the spice or a wise person. Either way, I love interesting spices and I have great respect for the wise, so I thought that was sort of cool. It was probably deliberate, to spell a word meaning "wise" to reinforce the impression that its analysis of whoever's life was a knowledgeable and wise explanation, since the two are definitely not the same. But that gets weird to think about. I usually choose to stop at the "cool acronym!" phase.
I didn't expect my results to be life shattering, after all, my gender identity is very unlike my sexuality, which even now I'm unsure about (really, bisexual is just the closest recognizable fit for me. Depending on my mood, I range between bi-curious and asexual, but "bi-curious" sounds wishy-washy and asexual sounds like a biology term: no sex organs - even though I just mean I'm honestly not attracted to anyone. And bisexual is neatly between the two, sound- and meaning-wise, so I usually just say that. Really, I'm attracted to boys and girls about equally, but it's "barely at all" for both groups. And my mother is sort of… homophobic seems to be an understatement, because it's not fear she exudes, but hatred. With as major of an influence as she's been on my life, that slowed down the whole process of coming out, even to myself. Online, though, with a pseudonym on a blog she's never heard of, I can go to the other extreme and pretend I already know exactly what I am. Naturally, with the stage I'm at, if I'm meeting someone and they either seem homophobic, or I really don't know how they feel [if it comes up at all] I'll claim to be straight since that minimizes conflict, and might only be stretching the truth.) In contrast, I've always been confident and comfortable with my gender: female, assigned at birth to fit my body. Needless to say, I was a bit surprised when the test told me my mind was androgynous, since I've never really doubted that I was a girl.
A peek at what the test told me:
Your Raw Score is: -340, which indicates that overall you are Androgynous
Your appearance is Feminine
Your brain processes are mostly that of a Androgynous person.
You appear to socialize in a masculine manner.
You believe you have mild conflicts about your gender identity.
You indicated your were born Female.
ANALYSIS:
Female to Male Crossdresser
NOTES:
* Your Answers indicate your psychological state has likely prevailed since you were quite young.
* You are in a statistical minority as a anallophilic crossdresser. Most crossdressers are heterosexual. Your motivation for crossdressing may be driven by the undirected nature of your sexuality, as a way to more fully explore the Male gender role.
Digging a little deeper, though, the results aren't really surprising…
Well, actually, not knowing what my "Raw Score" means, it's hard to be surprised or not by it. I don't know how the score -340 means I'm androgynous, but I suppose the subheadings might clear things up.
First, let's look at the fact that it has accused me of cross-dressing. I've hated skirts since I was little, and I have to have pockets since I don't like to have a purse to keep track of, but I still want to have my stuff with me. The pockets thing usually leads me to shop in the men's section of stores, because a lot of womens' clothing either doesn't have pockets, or has pathetically shallow pockets that I'd be hesitant to keep even my phone in. And, okay, I know that the buttons on polo shirts go different ways if the shirt is designed for a boy or a girl, but I know I have both in my closet, and I don't know which is which. So I wear boys' shirts too, apparently. And all of that combined makes me a cross-dresser. Okay, interesting. I don't deliberately cross-dress, but it is sort of funny to think about: the next time I'm introduced to someone - "hi, I'm a cross-dresser!" No, I'm too quiet for that, but what am I supposed to do with that new insight into my own mind? Interesting, also, that it differentiates between "heterosexual cross-dressers" (what does that even mean? As in, how are the ideas related?) and anallophilic (which apparently means "not liking another" or basically asexual) cross-dressing. (And there is no homosexual cross-dressing, so apparently your stereotypical drag queen isn't cross-dressing at all?) Confusing. But it's true that I don't get turned on by cross-dressing, which is apparently a common motivation.
Moving on. I look female. Well, of course I do. My body is normal-girl shaped and sized, and about the only way I care about my appearance is my hair (longish) so it looks very feminine. But there's really no surprises in this section. Unless there would have been a question about makeup, which of course I don't use, and if that answer had been significant enough to tell me I looked androgynous, well, that would be ridiculous, but I suppose that wouldn't surprise me much more. (Also, I was born female. That statement just reiterates exactly what I put for the last question. I'm pretty sure I know I was born female, and considering it was the last question, I remember what my answer was.)
I appear to socialize in a masculine manner. Well, I'm really talkative, and that's definitely a stereotype about females. But my best friends in elementary school were guys. (That's not true, my few REALLY close friends were all girls, but most of the friends I was comfortable enough with to deliberately hang out with were guys.) I also tend to be socially oblivious, and completely ignorant of fashion. So I suppose with all the relevant interpersonal interaction implied with those last two, I could reasonably be described as interacting in a masculine way. In theory, yes, I see where the test came up with that, but in practice, most of my close friends are girls now and I do enjoy long conversations and hanging out just to discuss life rather than constantly competing to one-up each other and never talking: the converse stereotype about boys. So here especially, I disagree with whoever made the test.
Finally, that word androgynous. My brain functions are mostly androgynous. Well, I suppose since I love reading (english and social studies are typically the "female domain" of education) and I'm also really good at math (male-dominated) and since apparently social interaction, etc have already been accounted for (in the last paragraph) I don't really know what else was factored into this section, so I can't agree or dispute it. I mean, yeah, I'm a mess of contradictions: I'm outdoorsy but periodically I freak about getting wet or muddy. I used to wear a bracelet that symbolically promised to obey God's will (I'm a Christian, remember, and by extension that meant to obey my parents…) and an anklet from my boyfriend at the time, that my parents seemed to be pressing me to break up with… (I didn't want to break up with him either, that's why I was still wearing it, but also keeping it hidden. An ankle is out of the way enough to not be seen under most circumstances.) But I don't see how those, or even my crazier contradictions, would affect analysis of how I THINK like a particular gender, (neither, as it turns out, but you know what I mean… The second example is conflicting sides of an emotional debate: typically drama you'd expect from a girl, if we're sticking with the stereotypes. It's not that my conflicting sides make me necessarily androgynous.)
I "believe [I] have mild conflicts about [my] gender identity." Hmm, really? The implication of that is a touch different than the option I clicked, which seemed to say I believe I have normal doubts about my gender identity. Little bit of a difference in connotation. But whatever, I'm sure that doesn't affect too much next to the subheadings already there, that tell me I'm female, male, and androgynous in different parts of my life, which seems to average out to androgynous.
So, in summary, I look like a girl and I don't hide it, but i think androgynously and I socialize like a boy. All that combined makes me androgynous? Okay, apparently so. I now know that much more about myself.
The bigger question is: how well can tests like this really describe people? My startling answers led me to some interesting introspection, but that included arguing that the answers were actually wrong. Personality quizzes of any sort (even more serious ones like this) can't describe you with anything more than the information you directly feed them, so why bother? Obviously you know as much about yourself as the quiz, so why can't introspection serve? Actually, I'm sure you know more about yourself than that. Where am I going with this? Just be smart: only you really know yourself. No one else can pretend to. Don't let someone else tell you who you are unless you're already positive it matches. Be yourself. That's all that matters.
Until next time.
2011/11/19
What Does it Mean?
This morning, my girlfriend and I spent five hours at our church for a "church work day". It was a morning (and partial afternoon) of fun and carrying on, a social day as much as it was a work day. In what was once a music room in the church, we are creating a coffee shop where people from the community can come and do various... whatever. Drink coffee, get on their computers, at some times watch musicians perform. This was the first morning of work, and was mainly a painting morning. I currently have paint in random places on my arms, probably on my face, and most definitely on my t-shirt. I did a fair amount of physical lifting and moving stuff - including taking some stuff that was at least fifty plus pounds out to the dumpster - thank goodness I wasn't doing it all by myself. After the moving though, I was stuck on painting the windows. (Not literally the windows, but the frames.)
Well, this is me. I am extremely OCD, which constitutes that when you stick me on a project like that, don't expect me to stop until it is perfect. So, of course, on the bottom part of the window I worked on and the other pieces I worked on, there is absolutely no white left. It's all brown - the main colour of the room. There were five or six guys who worked in the coffee shop, painting and doing other tasks. My girlfriend and a couple other women cleaned out some other areas in the church. It was nice to get as much done as we did today, even though we didn't finish the shop.
Some other stuff happened - cleaning out the refrigerator in the kitchen (we got some food), and I got a case that most people use to hold and transport music gear. I, being the audio person I am, and having the gear I have, definitely can use this case, so I got it. Woot!
Afterwards, we all trooped downstairs to the fellowship hall and ate lunch. Before we ate though, one of the guys who was giving the marching orders for the painting gave a.... I guess "mini-sermon" would be a good term here. The basic gist of it came down to the fact that we all cursed a little while we were working upstairs - that's how it goes when you're doing physical work - and there were a couple minor issues between people (don't ask). He asked us, "What does it mean to be a Christian?" As he put it, as a Christian, he doesn't like using "swear words". It was a bit of a muddled sermon (sort of like my rants on here!) but made a fair amount of sense, as a Christian or not.
For me, it's language. Language is just that - language. The usage of words is a normal part of our lives, as it is how we communicate with one another. As somebody once told me, terms like "fuck", "shit", "damn", whatever, are just words. Nothing else. At some point, some... person... decided that those words were inappropriate and should not be used in regular conversation. This is not how I see it. I have dropped the "f-bomb" at least once while running sound, in the Sanctuary, in a Sunday morning service. What does it mean? Nothing. It's a word with four letters that normally means that something has gone wrong. You know another four letter word that means something has gone wrong? "Oops." "Oops" and "fuck" mean the same thing in my mind. Just that "fuck" has permeated my language moreso than "oops".
My (other) mom has ragged on her daughter not to say "foul words". Of course, she uses them constantly, as do I in their presence. I think this has caused my sister to use them more, which mom doesn't have many issues with, s'long as she uses them sparingly. I, of course, don't give a flying fuck. I'm pretty sure that I'm a bad influence on her when it comes to things like that... But oh well.
The guy giving his mini-sermon uses "foul language" himself once in a while - he dropped "shit" at least once this morning, but it didn't phase any of us. Why would it? In our society, those words are used so commonly that it shouldn't matter - but people make it a matter. In the end, it's perspective.
So what does it mean? Nothing. Perspective is how we view our lives, and our language. I have no issues using "foul" language for the simple fact that my perspective says that the "foul" language is nothing our of the normal. My father used it constantly, we used it in school from about seventh grade on, and at my most recent job, we cursed so much that the place might as well have been impossible to see through from the blue smog.
It didn't matter though. We got our point across, and it was normal. The wording is normal. It's how it is.
What does it mean? I don't know about you, but it doesn't mean shit to me.
Until next time.
Peace.
Well, this is me. I am extremely OCD, which constitutes that when you stick me on a project like that, don't expect me to stop until it is perfect. So, of course, on the bottom part of the window I worked on and the other pieces I worked on, there is absolutely no white left. It's all brown - the main colour of the room. There were five or six guys who worked in the coffee shop, painting and doing other tasks. My girlfriend and a couple other women cleaned out some other areas in the church. It was nice to get as much done as we did today, even though we didn't finish the shop.
Some other stuff happened - cleaning out the refrigerator in the kitchen (we got some food), and I got a case that most people use to hold and transport music gear. I, being the audio person I am, and having the gear I have, definitely can use this case, so I got it. Woot!
Afterwards, we all trooped downstairs to the fellowship hall and ate lunch. Before we ate though, one of the guys who was giving the marching orders for the painting gave a.... I guess "mini-sermon" would be a good term here. The basic gist of it came down to the fact that we all cursed a little while we were working upstairs - that's how it goes when you're doing physical work - and there were a couple minor issues between people (don't ask). He asked us, "What does it mean to be a Christian?" As he put it, as a Christian, he doesn't like using "swear words". It was a bit of a muddled sermon (sort of like my rants on here!) but made a fair amount of sense, as a Christian or not.
For me, it's language. Language is just that - language. The usage of words is a normal part of our lives, as it is how we communicate with one another. As somebody once told me, terms like "fuck", "shit", "damn", whatever, are just words. Nothing else. At some point, some... person... decided that those words were inappropriate and should not be used in regular conversation. This is not how I see it. I have dropped the "f-bomb" at least once while running sound, in the Sanctuary, in a Sunday morning service. What does it mean? Nothing. It's a word with four letters that normally means that something has gone wrong. You know another four letter word that means something has gone wrong? "Oops." "Oops" and "fuck" mean the same thing in my mind. Just that "fuck" has permeated my language moreso than "oops".
My (other) mom has ragged on her daughter not to say "foul words". Of course, she uses them constantly, as do I in their presence. I think this has caused my sister to use them more, which mom doesn't have many issues with, s'long as she uses them sparingly. I, of course, don't give a flying fuck. I'm pretty sure that I'm a bad influence on her when it comes to things like that... But oh well.
The guy giving his mini-sermon uses "foul language" himself once in a while - he dropped "shit" at least once this morning, but it didn't phase any of us. Why would it? In our society, those words are used so commonly that it shouldn't matter - but people make it a matter. In the end, it's perspective.
So what does it mean? Nothing. Perspective is how we view our lives, and our language. I have no issues using "foul" language for the simple fact that my perspective says that the "foul" language is nothing our of the normal. My father used it constantly, we used it in school from about seventh grade on, and at my most recent job, we cursed so much that the place might as well have been impossible to see through from the blue smog.
It didn't matter though. We got our point across, and it was normal. The wording is normal. It's how it is.
What does it mean? I don't know about you, but it doesn't mean shit to me.
Until next time.
Peace.
2011/11/17
More Intros
Hey all,
It seems Katie beat me to the punch, but let me introduce myself anyway. Kara Sanders. Crazy (in the good way) friend of Katie's, and actually just about everyone else. I'm the sort of person that hangs out with everyone: nerds, jocks, techies, the GSA crowd, church folk, and yes, even some cheerleaders. Actually, I hate using labels to describe anyone, but the English language only has so much leeway for expressing the range of different attitudes, talents, and personalities my friends have. Stereotypes are a pet peeve of mine, but I shouldn't go into a rant just yet - you still don't know me.
Since people often seem surprised, let me clarify: yes, I'm a Christian, and bisexual, but they don't have to be mutually exclusive… well, not necessarily. I find myself avoiding the subject in both arenas. It's just easier that way. I can't stomach conflict, in any form. On the other hand, my choice to be quiet at times doesn't stop me from having opinions - strong ones in fact. The conversation that led to me being invited to join as a co-author started when I requested a particular rant be expressed. Something I saw just angered me, severely, and… I won't spoil it, though. Katie promises me she's got the topic covered. It'll be up soon, ideally.
You know, it's hard to just introduce myself. I never know what to say. I think a play I saw the other day summed it up best, in the line that was repeated at the beginning and end, and a variant stated by almost every character in the middle, "You think you know me. You think you've got me pegged. But you don't. How could you? I don't even know myself." I really like that line. (Yes, The Wrestling Season is awesome. And it usually takes a lot to impress me, but I might reference this one fairly often for the first couple weeks I'm around. It was powerful and oddly worthwhile, for a school play.)
Honestly, with as many facts as I could tell you about myself, nothing I could say would describe me with anything close to a full picture, so I don't think I'll try. You readers should be perfectly capable of judging me by what I say and how I act, not just who I claim to be.
I'm sure you're still curious about me, though, so let me share a few tidbits you aren't likely to hear about in any of my rants.
- I have a slight obsession for logic puzzles. These include mazes, by loose definition, and the standard sudoku and cross-sums, but my favorite are Picross: what Games magazine calls "Paint by Numbers" and a korean website calls 니모니모 ("nemo nemo" and no, there's no meaningful translation.) I don't expect many people to have heard of these puzzles, but that is definitely my favorite type. EDIT: Excuse me, I stand corrected. 니모 apparently means square, but "square-square" puzzles as a title make about as much sense as "paint by numbers." But there is actually a halfway meaningful translation of the title.
- I'm a closet romantic: even when I know that a situation can't be resolved, I always manage to convince myself that it will work out perfectly in the end, like a book. This applies to my relationships, definitely, but also to how I treat life in general. For that reason, whenever things DON'T work out anywhere close to ideally, I get really upset, because I inevitably have failed to mentally prepare myself for such a shortcoming.
- you will never EVER catch me in a skirt. I despise the things. I've always been an outdoorsy sort, and ever since I found out I would get in trouble for climbing a tree in my church dress, (or any dress at all) I learned to hate them. Not that I would judge anyone else for wearing a skirt. They're just not for me. (Makeup is another topic I think of similarly, but I might get around to a good discussion on its downfalls eventually.)
- You probably will notice this, but it's still worth saying: I love music. I am a musician, and I can always tie what I'm talking about to the lyrics of a song that I like. Frequently, I mention it too, but I know better than to assume that everyone knows the same obscure music I listen to, so I won't always express the connection.
- I love writing, but I'm not sure whether I am better at producing fiction or nonfiction. Fiction is harder, but usually more fun to write, if school experiences can predict anything, but I've never written a blog for school. I guess we'll find out together.
And that's all for now.
More again later.
It seems Katie beat me to the punch, but let me introduce myself anyway. Kara Sanders. Crazy (in the good way) friend of Katie's, and actually just about everyone else. I'm the sort of person that hangs out with everyone: nerds, jocks, techies, the GSA crowd, church folk, and yes, even some cheerleaders. Actually, I hate using labels to describe anyone, but the English language only has so much leeway for expressing the range of different attitudes, talents, and personalities my friends have. Stereotypes are a pet peeve of mine, but I shouldn't go into a rant just yet - you still don't know me.
Since people often seem surprised, let me clarify: yes, I'm a Christian, and bisexual, but they don't have to be mutually exclusive… well, not necessarily. I find myself avoiding the subject in both arenas. It's just easier that way. I can't stomach conflict, in any form. On the other hand, my choice to be quiet at times doesn't stop me from having opinions - strong ones in fact. The conversation that led to me being invited to join as a co-author started when I requested a particular rant be expressed. Something I saw just angered me, severely, and… I won't spoil it, though. Katie promises me she's got the topic covered. It'll be up soon, ideally.
You know, it's hard to just introduce myself. I never know what to say. I think a play I saw the other day summed it up best, in the line that was repeated at the beginning and end, and a variant stated by almost every character in the middle, "You think you know me. You think you've got me pegged. But you don't. How could you? I don't even know myself." I really like that line. (Yes, The Wrestling Season is awesome. And it usually takes a lot to impress me, but I might reference this one fairly often for the first couple weeks I'm around. It was powerful and oddly worthwhile, for a school play.)
Honestly, with as many facts as I could tell you about myself, nothing I could say would describe me with anything close to a full picture, so I don't think I'll try. You readers should be perfectly capable of judging me by what I say and how I act, not just who I claim to be.
I'm sure you're still curious about me, though, so let me share a few tidbits you aren't likely to hear about in any of my rants.
- I have a slight obsession for logic puzzles. These include mazes, by loose definition, and the standard sudoku and cross-sums, but my favorite are Picross: what Games magazine calls "Paint by Numbers" and a korean website calls 니모니모 ("nemo nemo" and no, there's no meaningful translation.) I don't expect many people to have heard of these puzzles, but that is definitely my favorite type. EDIT: Excuse me, I stand corrected. 니모 apparently means square, but "square-square" puzzles as a title make about as much sense as "paint by numbers." But there is actually a halfway meaningful translation of the title.
- I'm a closet romantic: even when I know that a situation can't be resolved, I always manage to convince myself that it will work out perfectly in the end, like a book. This applies to my relationships, definitely, but also to how I treat life in general. For that reason, whenever things DON'T work out anywhere close to ideally, I get really upset, because I inevitably have failed to mentally prepare myself for such a shortcoming.
- you will never EVER catch me in a skirt. I despise the things. I've always been an outdoorsy sort, and ever since I found out I would get in trouble for climbing a tree in my church dress, (or any dress at all) I learned to hate them. Not that I would judge anyone else for wearing a skirt. They're just not for me. (Makeup is another topic I think of similarly, but I might get around to a good discussion on its downfalls eventually.)
- You probably will notice this, but it's still worth saying: I love music. I am a musician, and I can always tie what I'm talking about to the lyrics of a song that I like. Frequently, I mention it too, but I know better than to assume that everyone knows the same obscure music I listen to, so I won't always express the connection.
- I love writing, but I'm not sure whether I am better at producing fiction or nonfiction. Fiction is harder, but usually more fun to write, if school experiences can predict anything, but I've never written a blog for school. I guess we'll find out together.
And that's all for now.
More again later.
2011/11/16
New author!
Hey gang. I know this blog has only been up a couple months, but a friend of mine and I were talking tonight, and she has views she wants to put up to, which happen to fit pretty well with what I already talk about (you know, what's WRONG with this fucked up world)....
Introducing: Kara Sanders. Friend of mine. Somebody who knows plenty about the issues in this world. Bisexual. An ex of mine turned best friend.
She'll probably be sticking within the realms of politics, personal, and huge issues - things that majorly piss us off. She's a pretty damned good writer, and I'm looking forward to seeing her posts.
Just figured I'd give everybody a heads up.
Until next time!
Peace.
Introducing: Kara Sanders. Friend of mine. Somebody who knows plenty about the issues in this world. Bisexual. An ex of mine turned best friend.
She'll probably be sticking within the realms of politics, personal, and huge issues - things that majorly piss us off. She's a pretty damned good writer, and I'm looking forward to seeing her posts.
Just figured I'd give everybody a heads up.
Until next time!
Peace.
2011/11/15
Gender Roles
(From Urban Dictinoary)
Bigender:
1. "A bi-gender person is someone who experiences mental swings between genders. Their charactaristics or mannerisms change from male to female depending on the situation."
2. "The tendency to move between masculine and feminine gender-typed behaviour depending on context, expressing a distinctly male persona and a distinctly female persona.
While an androgynous person retains the same gender-typed behaviour across situations, the bigendered person purposely changes their gender-role behaviour for the situation. It is particularly noteworthy that this concept emerged from within the transgender community rather than being adopted by the transgender community after it was created by another sub-culture (e.g. transsexual was defined first by the mental health community)."
Sounds about right. I quote these 'definitions' for a purpose. As a race, we have divided ourselves into two genders - male and female - and each of these has a specific role it plays in society. Most situations tend to call on one of the roles, giving one gender or the other a possible "advantage". (I use that term rather sarcastically in that advantages are only what one makes of them.) As a member of the Bi-Gender community, I too swing a little on the spectrum depending on the situation. When I'm angry, my male side tends to come out, whereas my female side will come out when I am in creativity mode. Those are just a couple examples.
I wouldn't even know where to start when it came to trying to give a lot of examples to each side, simply because it really depends on the person in the situation. I respond differently than my girlfriend or my roommate. Maybe my girlfriend's anger manifests as her girl side - because we all have at least a tiny bit of the opposite gender in us. It all depends on the person.
Along with the emotional roles are the physical roles. For instance, teaching was, until fairly recently, a female dominated profession, whereas commercial truck driving was a male dominated profession. Now, though, we're seeing a blurring of these roles - male teachers, female CDL drivers. Having gone through public school for fourteen years and then a year of college, I have seen at least the teaching myself. I had several male teachers in many grades - for instance, my fifth grade teacher was male (even more rare than the sixth grade and up). Haven't seen as much evidence of female CDL drivers, but seeing as how much I used to drive, and how many times I've been at truck stops, I have seen a few women there (that casual observation turned up were actually drivers).
Another couple examples that are pretty close to my own heart : technology and music. Technology is easy, music not so much. The tech field is a fairly male dominated one, as evidenced by my former company - up until the last couple months I was there, it was a male only operation (not through discrimination, just in general). Even when a woman did join, she was the admin - she did know her tech pretty well though, I was impressed. Back when I worked in the school district, it was actually more of an across the board - I worked in Educational Technology, and it was about half and half. Aside : That group was pretty awesome. Music is a bit more muddled. I have played in both the (school) band and orchestra, and in both, it was a pretty mixed group, with a few exceptions. For instance, as a Tuba player, while I was playing, we didn't have any female players. And as an upright Bass player for three years, it was up until my last year that I was either the only one, or one of two males. I have heard on occasion of a female tuba player, and my most recent ex-girlfriend was a Bass player (and a damned good one too). In the Violin section, there were only a couple males, while the Viola and Cello sections were pretty well mixed.
One more example and I'll have beat this horse to death and then some : Leadership. For a good portion of history, our leaders have been male, while the females have done house work or other labor such as that. (There is nothing wrong with it unless somebody is forcing it that way.) Up until recently, it was not even viable for a woman to run for President, or many other positions of power - Senate, House of Reps. On a much smaller level, back in High School, I was in the Student Technology Leadership Program. For the four years I was there, our leadership was either fully male or mostly male. It took until I was out of there that a female leadership finally came along (except one position).
Having beat it... I hope I've made at least somewhat of a point. One of the primary parts of being Bi-Gender is that - the splitting of gender roles. I fluctuate depending on what the situation is between male and female. It's taken a couple thousand years (and then some) to finally get to the point where our societies are shifting towards this mixing of roles. Here's to hoping they continue to intermix, because that will be one giant leap for us.
Here's to hope.
Until next time.
Peace.
Bigender:
1. "A bi-gender person is someone who experiences mental swings between genders. Their charactaristics or mannerisms change from male to female depending on the situation."
2. "The tendency to move between masculine and feminine gender-typed behaviour depending on context, expressing a distinctly male persona and a distinctly female persona.
While an androgynous person retains the same gender-typed behaviour across situations, the bigendered person purposely changes their gender-role behaviour for the situation. It is particularly noteworthy that this concept emerged from within the transgender community rather than being adopted by the transgender community after it was created by another sub-culture (e.g. transsexual was defined first by the mental health community)."
Sounds about right. I quote these 'definitions' for a purpose. As a race, we have divided ourselves into two genders - male and female - and each of these has a specific role it plays in society. Most situations tend to call on one of the roles, giving one gender or the other a possible "advantage". (I use that term rather sarcastically in that advantages are only what one makes of them.) As a member of the Bi-Gender community, I too swing a little on the spectrum depending on the situation. When I'm angry, my male side tends to come out, whereas my female side will come out when I am in creativity mode. Those are just a couple examples.
I wouldn't even know where to start when it came to trying to give a lot of examples to each side, simply because it really depends on the person in the situation. I respond differently than my girlfriend or my roommate. Maybe my girlfriend's anger manifests as her girl side - because we all have at least a tiny bit of the opposite gender in us. It all depends on the person.
Along with the emotional roles are the physical roles. For instance, teaching was, until fairly recently, a female dominated profession, whereas commercial truck driving was a male dominated profession. Now, though, we're seeing a blurring of these roles - male teachers, female CDL drivers. Having gone through public school for fourteen years and then a year of college, I have seen at least the teaching myself. I had several male teachers in many grades - for instance, my fifth grade teacher was male (even more rare than the sixth grade and up). Haven't seen as much evidence of female CDL drivers, but seeing as how much I used to drive, and how many times I've been at truck stops, I have seen a few women there (that casual observation turned up were actually drivers).
Another couple examples that are pretty close to my own heart : technology and music. Technology is easy, music not so much. The tech field is a fairly male dominated one, as evidenced by my former company - up until the last couple months I was there, it was a male only operation (not through discrimination, just in general). Even when a woman did join, she was the admin - she did know her tech pretty well though, I was impressed. Back when I worked in the school district, it was actually more of an across the board - I worked in Educational Technology, and it was about half and half. Aside : That group was pretty awesome. Music is a bit more muddled. I have played in both the (school) band and orchestra, and in both, it was a pretty mixed group, with a few exceptions. For instance, as a Tuba player, while I was playing, we didn't have any female players. And as an upright Bass player for three years, it was up until my last year that I was either the only one, or one of two males. I have heard on occasion of a female tuba player, and my most recent ex-girlfriend was a Bass player (and a damned good one too). In the Violin section, there were only a couple males, while the Viola and Cello sections were pretty well mixed.
One more example and I'll have beat this horse to death and then some : Leadership. For a good portion of history, our leaders have been male, while the females have done house work or other labor such as that. (There is nothing wrong with it unless somebody is forcing it that way.) Up until recently, it was not even viable for a woman to run for President, or many other positions of power - Senate, House of Reps. On a much smaller level, back in High School, I was in the Student Technology Leadership Program. For the four years I was there, our leadership was either fully male or mostly male. It took until I was out of there that a female leadership finally came along (except one position).
Having beat it... I hope I've made at least somewhat of a point. One of the primary parts of being Bi-Gender is that - the splitting of gender roles. I fluctuate depending on what the situation is between male and female. It's taken a couple thousand years (and then some) to finally get to the point where our societies are shifting towards this mixing of roles. Here's to hoping they continue to intermix, because that will be one giant leap for us.
Here's to hope.
Until next time.
Peace.
2011/11/11
Occupy (Insertplacehere)
(WARNING: POLITICS AHEAD.)
Iraq Vet Critically Wounded
^^ There are no words to describe how incredibly wrong this is. None. A Marine - a discharged United States Marine, but a Marine none the less - gets shot in the head by Oakland police while at a peaceful demonstration of his rights. Olsen spent two tours overseas, and then comes home - to this?! What the hell is wrong with this, people?! They say that the Oakland police opened an investigation into the case, including what munitions were used in the quelling of these protestors. Um, sorry, but that's BULLSHIT. There is no way the police should have even been firing off anything, period. There are no words to describe just how furious this makes me. Unfortunately, this is only one of many articles that I have seen involving the Occupy (insertplacehere). One Marine managed to get away with facing thirty police officers and didn't get taken down - a lucky move, I'm thinking, although I doubt even thirty cops could have taken him down - but he is one of the few who didn't get hurt in the process. Others have been beaten, arrested, and just in general had physical harm brought on them because they were using their constitutional rights to try and change what is a truly fucked up and broken system. (I'm not even going to bother posting all the youtube videos I've seen.)
I saw a picture the other day of a sign, and it said "The four branches of government". Underneath, it had $ CORPORATE $ and then lines going to the JUDICIAL, EXECUTIVE, and LEGISLATIVE branches, each equal underneath the corporate marking. Unfortunately, it's what the truth is anymore. Our system, our way of life, is completely fucked up. It is being run by a bunch of corporate overlords, who are playing us all just to make more money for themselves. That's what this entire Occupy (insertplacehere) is about! The top couple percent - mainly the corporate overlords - and the bottom ninety eight - those of us who have to WORK for a living, and those of us who can't even do that because those corporates decided that our jobs weren't worth enough to make it possible for us to keep working. Even those of us who can manage to work for a living are barely scraping by, because we are at minimum wage and barely make enough to pay the rent, get food, pay utilities, maybe have a car, et cetera!
How is this right?
It isn't. There's nothing right about any of this. At all. Something needs to change, and it needs to change soon. This country has more problems right now than solutions - two separate wars overseas, our own unarmed citizens protesting and getting beaten by their own domestic police forces because the police can't contain themselves, all on top of a financial crisis and all the big-wigs not caring enough to do anything about it. Because, you know, they're that top couple percent that doesn't give a shit about the knaves and plebians that are so far below them.
My roommate and I occasionally joke with each other - "UNHAND ME, KNAVE!" as if we were rulers and the other were a plebian. Unfortunately, there's too much of a parallel there for me between the rest of this country and here at home...
Fortunately, Scott Olsen is doing okay now - stable and in fair condition. Even so, he can't speak, because the "police projectile" hit him near his speech centre. He can't talk. The sons of bitches made him at least temporarily mute, if not permanently. I'm sorry, but there is nothing to excuse that behaviour. At all. A peaceful protestor, maimed because he was just there? No excuse.
What has this fucked up excuse for a country come to?
The other day, my girlfriend and I got into a discussion. One of my former (female) teachers was getting married the next day to her girlfriend, which threw me, because we live in Kentucky - one of the most back water states in the entire US, right behind Texas and maybe a couple others - and right now, gay marriage is not legal here. My girlfriend says that a bunch of states are legalizing it, which isn't as true as I wish it was. With all of the research I've done, all the news I read, I'd have noticed if the number has increased. It hasn't. It still stands at six, and then D.C. She then said we needed a tolerant president - one who would pass a law granting federal same-gender marriage rights. This upset me in the extreme. Obama is a supporter of same-gender marriage, and I believe that he would do something about it if it were at all within his power. Unfortunately, it's not.
Between the corporate-backed Republican/Conservatives in the House and Senate, and too many idiots in our maybe-formerly-great country, it's extremely implausible for the President to try to pass a law such as that, declaring same-gender marriage legal. Of all the recent Presidents, our current one is the most likely to be able to do something about it, but without the backing of at least a sizable portion of the rest of our idiots-in-charge, there isn't really anything he can do.
Welcome to reality. It sucks. It's time to change it. I wish I could be out there with the other protestors, because it's time to do something about it - and they are. I applaud them, and they have the support of more of us than I think anybody realises. For this, I am glad.
Until next time.
Peace.
Iraq Vet Critically Wounded
^^ There are no words to describe how incredibly wrong this is. None. A Marine - a discharged United States Marine, but a Marine none the less - gets shot in the head by Oakland police while at a peaceful demonstration of his rights. Olsen spent two tours overseas, and then comes home - to this?! What the hell is wrong with this, people?! They say that the Oakland police opened an investigation into the case, including what munitions were used in the quelling of these protestors. Um, sorry, but that's BULLSHIT. There is no way the police should have even been firing off anything, period. There are no words to describe just how furious this makes me. Unfortunately, this is only one of many articles that I have seen involving the Occupy (insertplacehere). One Marine managed to get away with facing thirty police officers and didn't get taken down - a lucky move, I'm thinking, although I doubt even thirty cops could have taken him down - but he is one of the few who didn't get hurt in the process. Others have been beaten, arrested, and just in general had physical harm brought on them because they were using their constitutional rights to try and change what is a truly fucked up and broken system. (I'm not even going to bother posting all the youtube videos I've seen.)
I saw a picture the other day of a sign, and it said "The four branches of government". Underneath, it had $ CORPORATE $ and then lines going to the JUDICIAL, EXECUTIVE, and LEGISLATIVE branches, each equal underneath the corporate marking. Unfortunately, it's what the truth is anymore. Our system, our way of life, is completely fucked up. It is being run by a bunch of corporate overlords, who are playing us all just to make more money for themselves. That's what this entire Occupy (insertplacehere) is about! The top couple percent - mainly the corporate overlords - and the bottom ninety eight - those of us who have to WORK for a living, and those of us who can't even do that because those corporates decided that our jobs weren't worth enough to make it possible for us to keep working. Even those of us who can manage to work for a living are barely scraping by, because we are at minimum wage and barely make enough to pay the rent, get food, pay utilities, maybe have a car, et cetera!
How is this right?
It isn't. There's nothing right about any of this. At all. Something needs to change, and it needs to change soon. This country has more problems right now than solutions - two separate wars overseas, our own unarmed citizens protesting and getting beaten by their own domestic police forces because the police can't contain themselves, all on top of a financial crisis and all the big-wigs not caring enough to do anything about it. Because, you know, they're that top couple percent that doesn't give a shit about the knaves and plebians that are so far below them.
My roommate and I occasionally joke with each other - "UNHAND ME, KNAVE!" as if we were rulers and the other were a plebian. Unfortunately, there's too much of a parallel there for me between the rest of this country and here at home...
Fortunately, Scott Olsen is doing okay now - stable and in fair condition. Even so, he can't speak, because the "police projectile" hit him near his speech centre. He can't talk. The sons of bitches made him at least temporarily mute, if not permanently. I'm sorry, but there is nothing to excuse that behaviour. At all. A peaceful protestor, maimed because he was just there? No excuse.
What has this fucked up excuse for a country come to?
The other day, my girlfriend and I got into a discussion. One of my former (female) teachers was getting married the next day to her girlfriend, which threw me, because we live in Kentucky - one of the most back water states in the entire US, right behind Texas and maybe a couple others - and right now, gay marriage is not legal here. My girlfriend says that a bunch of states are legalizing it, which isn't as true as I wish it was. With all of the research I've done, all the news I read, I'd have noticed if the number has increased. It hasn't. It still stands at six, and then D.C. She then said we needed a tolerant president - one who would pass a law granting federal same-gender marriage rights. This upset me in the extreme. Obama is a supporter of same-gender marriage, and I believe that he would do something about it if it were at all within his power. Unfortunately, it's not.
Between the corporate-backed Republican/Conservatives in the House and Senate, and too many idiots in our maybe-formerly-great country, it's extremely implausible for the President to try to pass a law such as that, declaring same-gender marriage legal. Of all the recent Presidents, our current one is the most likely to be able to do something about it, but without the backing of at least a sizable portion of the rest of our idiots-in-charge, there isn't really anything he can do.
Welcome to reality. It sucks. It's time to change it. I wish I could be out there with the other protestors, because it's time to do something about it - and they are. I applaud them, and they have the support of more of us than I think anybody realises. For this, I am glad.
Until next time.
Peace.
2011/11/06
Moving 3 (The Final Part)
So yeah. I fail. I should have posted three weeks ago, but things have been all over. Sorry for not posting.
Gotta admit. I didn't expect everything that happened with this move. We've run into a lot of issues recently, and have been working through them. When we first moved in, my desk was in the living room, taking up a heck of a lot of the room. Last night, my girlfriend and I moved it into our bedroom, which now has about... maybe six square feet of uncovered floor. One of the issues we've had has been clothes.... We have lots. I never realised just how much clothing one person can have! And of course, trying to do that much laundry in one go around is very hard when you're hand washing and hang drying. The seriously limiting factor though is hangars - we don't have nearly enough. We need about a hundred fifty more - yeah, that's a shit-ton, but we both hang all our clothing up. Fortunately, I had a dresser waiting for the move in, so we've been using that to store some of our clothing. Of course, with all the dirty clothing, it's scattered. On the floor.
My OCD is killing me.
Our other roommate and I are both on the job hunt, which sucks. I recently got wind though of a job with the school district, where I worked before as a student. I applied and am hoping against all hope that I will get a call on that one, an interview, and finally get hired. Not the greatest money - it is a government job - but hey, a job's a job, and the school district isn't a bad place to work. We've run into some issues in the financial department too. My girlfriend was out of work for two weeks from jaw surgery - don't ask - and so things are a little hairy at the moment. Hence the desperate need for a job. Uck.
Brighter side though. I have several pieces of music equipment - mainly recording items - items that I couldn't exactly show my parents because of other issues. Nice thing about moving out, I can have them wherever I want now. My laptop's charger died about a week ago - completely died - so right now, my laptop is out of commission until we can get the financial situation back to the point where I can buy a new charger. This has put a strain on my ability to do anything recording wise, until today, when I finally got really tired of it and did some experimentation. The interface I have actually drops right in to Linux with no issues, but up until now, I've been having issues using it with Audacity. Today, I did some hacking around and made it work. I then spent part of the afternoon just revelling in the glory of it, studio headphones and all, listening to music. So much fun, I'm telling you.
Anyways. Something that has sort of plagued me about this entire move has been the loss of certain things. Not having my own car is very hard to deal with - having to rely on others to take me somewhere, or the bus system, which is either unreliable or simply too damned slow. With the financial issues, we've been having problems keeping a whole lot of food around, although certain friends are helping with that, little pieces. The other part, the part that I guess gets me the most, is being so far from certain people. My "surrogate" family - my (second non-blood) mother and (non-blood) sister live on the other side of town though, making it very hard to see them except on occasion. Fortunately, Mom picks me up after work occasionally (third shift) and will take me over to their apartment for the day, so that I can see them. Of course, my blood family too. Seeing them maybe twice, three times a month now, depending on what happens. It's just... different from what I was expecting, I guess. Or maybe I wasn't really paying attention to my expectations. I don't know.
It's not the greatest situation, but hey, who expected that when we moved out? Things were a little tense, and a little hard. And this is life. It's not supposed to be easy, is it?
I'm going to try to post a little more frequently. I've had a few ideas tumbling around in my head for a while, and have written up a little on one. So hopefully I'll manage to get them out soonish. Until next time.
Peace.
Gotta admit. I didn't expect everything that happened with this move. We've run into a lot of issues recently, and have been working through them. When we first moved in, my desk was in the living room, taking up a heck of a lot of the room. Last night, my girlfriend and I moved it into our bedroom, which now has about... maybe six square feet of uncovered floor. One of the issues we've had has been clothes.... We have lots. I never realised just how much clothing one person can have! And of course, trying to do that much laundry in one go around is very hard when you're hand washing and hang drying. The seriously limiting factor though is hangars - we don't have nearly enough. We need about a hundred fifty more - yeah, that's a shit-ton, but we both hang all our clothing up. Fortunately, I had a dresser waiting for the move in, so we've been using that to store some of our clothing. Of course, with all the dirty clothing, it's scattered. On the floor.
My OCD is killing me.
Our other roommate and I are both on the job hunt, which sucks. I recently got wind though of a job with the school district, where I worked before as a student. I applied and am hoping against all hope that I will get a call on that one, an interview, and finally get hired. Not the greatest money - it is a government job - but hey, a job's a job, and the school district isn't a bad place to work. We've run into some issues in the financial department too. My girlfriend was out of work for two weeks from jaw surgery - don't ask - and so things are a little hairy at the moment. Hence the desperate need for a job. Uck.
Brighter side though. I have several pieces of music equipment - mainly recording items - items that I couldn't exactly show my parents because of other issues. Nice thing about moving out, I can have them wherever I want now. My laptop's charger died about a week ago - completely died - so right now, my laptop is out of commission until we can get the financial situation back to the point where I can buy a new charger. This has put a strain on my ability to do anything recording wise, until today, when I finally got really tired of it and did some experimentation. The interface I have actually drops right in to Linux with no issues, but up until now, I've been having issues using it with Audacity. Today, I did some hacking around and made it work. I then spent part of the afternoon just revelling in the glory of it, studio headphones and all, listening to music. So much fun, I'm telling you.
Anyways. Something that has sort of plagued me about this entire move has been the loss of certain things. Not having my own car is very hard to deal with - having to rely on others to take me somewhere, or the bus system, which is either unreliable or simply too damned slow. With the financial issues, we've been having problems keeping a whole lot of food around, although certain friends are helping with that, little pieces. The other part, the part that I guess gets me the most, is being so far from certain people. My "surrogate" family - my (second non-blood) mother and (non-blood) sister live on the other side of town though, making it very hard to see them except on occasion. Fortunately, Mom picks me up after work occasionally (third shift) and will take me over to their apartment for the day, so that I can see them. Of course, my blood family too. Seeing them maybe twice, three times a month now, depending on what happens. It's just... different from what I was expecting, I guess. Or maybe I wasn't really paying attention to my expectations. I don't know.
It's not the greatest situation, but hey, who expected that when we moved out? Things were a little tense, and a little hard. And this is life. It's not supposed to be easy, is it?
I'm going to try to post a little more frequently. I've had a few ideas tumbling around in my head for a while, and have written up a little on one. So hopefully I'll manage to get them out soonish. Until next time.
Peace.
2011/10/03
Gender and / vs. Sex(uality)
/* Couple things. This blog is mainly for my brain dumps, which means that I will probably end up talking about primarily my life (the moving posts), gender and sexuality (like this one), politics, and some technology. Just fair warning. */
Now, jumping right in...
Being Bi+Gender gives one a completely different view on Gender and Sex(uality). Since I've become aware of what is going on inside of my head, I have noticed that many people do not seem to differentiate between the two terms.
To me...
Gender: One's state of being - physically or mentally. Male? Female? Anywhere in between?
Sex(uality): Straight? Gay / Lesbian? Asexual? Pansexual? Bisexual? Who are you attracted to?
Working with these two terms can get tricky. Someone's sexuality does depend on their gender in certain cases. For instance, as a male, I am straight - but as a female, I am a lesbian (Either way, I like women!). Such is a case where it does depend on gender. Asexual, pansexual, and bisexual really do not depend on gender, as they can apply to anybody.
Gender is a sliding scale, with pure male and pure female at the extremes. Most people tend towards one or the other extremes. Some, however, slide closer towards the middle, which is where we get combinations such as 25% male, 75% female, or androgynous - 50 / 50, and everything in between.
We classify everybody as one of the two extremes, in almost all cases. Go out to a website, for instance, one where you have to register (that's a lot of them these days...), and look at the drop down box for gender - although most call it sex, even though it isn't. Most cases, there are the two extremes, and you can't choose anything else. To register, that is required information, even if it isn't made "public" on the website. Go look at any government form. Same thing. Female or male. Why? Somewhere along the way, our society took a nice, fucked up turn for the worse when it comes to these issues. Whereas people who were "different" in this regard were once respected, now some must live in fear for their lives - see the UAE (United Arab Emirates) [brought to my attention by Chris Paget's Twitter] - and even here in the good old United States of America. Oh wait, maybe that should be 'especially,' not 'even'... Another rant for another day though. These questions with only answers of extremes make it that much harder for those of us who are so called "different" to be who we truly are.
(Yes. It is very hard to 'classify' without using these extremes, as the only other real terms I have come up with are Androgynous and Bi(+/-)Gender, and they only describe somebody that falls very close to the 50/50 mark. Therefore, if I refer to somebody as a male or female, I'm not referring to the extreme, I'm referring to the side closest to what they "are".)
Honestly, what does it matter if my body is male or female and my brain's the opposite?
That's Gender. Then we have Sexuality. In our world of extremes, I have two sexualities - straight and lesbian. Weird, huh? But since I like girls and am externally male, I'm straight. Internally, I'm a lesbian. Not so weird once you start looking into the depths. I'm not going to go on a rant about sexual preferences and the lack of tolerance of others for "deviant" sexualities - that's for a different day. Suffice to say, it doesn't matter who you love. Sexuality is who you love. So, if a form says sex instead of gender, should I put straight or lesbian down, as opposed to male or female? Because honestly, that's what they're really asking, and that's a rather personal matter there. Sure, it's three letters shorter, but considering how much of a stickler for details the government likes to be, they of all people should be able to print three extra letters. Maybe I should start putting straight instead of male on said forms... They are asking for my sex. Or... Are they asking me to come have sex with them? I'm sorry, but I don't think I could ever do a politician... Most sicken me too much already.
Seriously, people. It's three extra letters. Use them and quit making yourselves look stupid.
Am I being a real pain in the ass about the difference between two words? Probably. But remember, I am a grammar nazi. That shit makes a lot of difference.
Let me wrap up with this. I am a person, no matter what others like to say, no matter who I seem to be.
Peace.
Now, jumping right in...
Being Bi+Gender gives one a completely different view on Gender and Sex(uality). Since I've become aware of what is going on inside of my head, I have noticed that many people do not seem to differentiate between the two terms.
To me...
Gender: One's state of being - physically or mentally. Male? Female? Anywhere in between?
Sex(uality): Straight? Gay / Lesbian? Asexual? Pansexual? Bisexual? Who are you attracted to?
Working with these two terms can get tricky. Someone's sexuality does depend on their gender in certain cases. For instance, as a male, I am straight - but as a female, I am a lesbian (Either way, I like women!). Such is a case where it does depend on gender. Asexual, pansexual, and bisexual really do not depend on gender, as they can apply to anybody.
Gender is a sliding scale, with pure male and pure female at the extremes. Most people tend towards one or the other extremes. Some, however, slide closer towards the middle, which is where we get combinations such as 25% male, 75% female, or androgynous - 50 / 50, and everything in between.
We classify everybody as one of the two extremes, in almost all cases. Go out to a website, for instance, one where you have to register (that's a lot of them these days...), and look at the drop down box for gender - although most call it sex, even though it isn't. Most cases, there are the two extremes, and you can't choose anything else. To register, that is required information, even if it isn't made "public" on the website. Go look at any government form. Same thing. Female or male. Why? Somewhere along the way, our society took a nice, fucked up turn for the worse when it comes to these issues. Whereas people who were "different" in this regard were once respected, now some must live in fear for their lives - see the UAE (United Arab Emirates) [brought to my attention by Chris Paget's Twitter] - and even here in the good old United States of America. Oh wait, maybe that should be 'especially,' not 'even'... Another rant for another day though. These questions with only answers of extremes make it that much harder for those of us who are so called "different" to be who we truly are.
(Yes. It is very hard to 'classify' without using these extremes, as the only other real terms I have come up with are Androgynous and Bi(+/-)Gender, and they only describe somebody that falls very close to the 50/50 mark. Therefore, if I refer to somebody as a male or female, I'm not referring to the extreme, I'm referring to the side closest to what they "are".)
Honestly, what does it matter if my body is male or female and my brain's the opposite?
That's Gender. Then we have Sexuality. In our world of extremes, I have two sexualities - straight and lesbian. Weird, huh? But since I like girls and am externally male, I'm straight. Internally, I'm a lesbian. Not so weird once you start looking into the depths. I'm not going to go on a rant about sexual preferences and the lack of tolerance of others for "deviant" sexualities - that's for a different day. Suffice to say, it doesn't matter who you love. Sexuality is who you love. So, if a form says sex instead of gender, should I put straight or lesbian down, as opposed to male or female? Because honestly, that's what they're really asking, and that's a rather personal matter there. Sure, it's three letters shorter, but considering how much of a stickler for details the government likes to be, they of all people should be able to print three extra letters. Maybe I should start putting straight instead of male on said forms... They are asking for my sex. Or... Are they asking me to come have sex with them? I'm sorry, but I don't think I could ever do a politician... Most sicken me too much already.
Seriously, people. It's three extra letters. Use them and quit making yourselves look stupid.
Am I being a real pain in the ass about the difference between two words? Probably. But remember, I am a grammar nazi. That shit makes a lot of difference.
Let me wrap up with this. I am a person, no matter what others like to say, no matter who I seem to be.
Peace.
2011/09/27
Moving 2
I have completely moved out. First time I've ever moved, and it's out of my parents' house and in with my best friend and girlfriend... Feels so very weird. I moved almost everything Thursday morning, and then Mom gave me some more stuff yesterday evening when I went out to dinner with them. Kitchen utensils, pots, pans, silverware... A bunch of old camping stuff. A few blankets, 'cause we needed them. Few other things. It felt so weird. The entire time we were doing it, I was fighting tears, because that's when it really began to hit: I am actually out. I don't live with them anymore.
But most importantly? I'm FREE. I can go WHERE I want. I can go WHEN I want. It doesn't matter what time of day or night it is. 'Course, have to stay safe, but still... I'm free to dress how I wish in the house, and when I leave the house, I can wear my flats and not have to worry about taking my boots so that my parents don't see me like I am.
Anyway. Thursday was pretty crazy. Got up, finished packing a last few things, then wandered the house until my girlfriend and the woman she'd been staying with arrived. My second Mom arrived a few minutes later, and I started loading everything I'd moved to my living room into her van. Thank goodness for that van... I managed to move all of my stuff in one trip. Nine boxes, various sizes, plus a fairly large desk and desk chair. The woman my girlfriend was staying with offered us the use of her car for the day, so long as she got to class on time, which I took her up on, and highly appreciate. We got my dresser and some other stuff from one of my best friend's house, picked up my girlfriend's cats, and then that was it, we went to the apartment. We made it earlier than originally planned, and actually signed the lease early. After doing a walk-through of the apartment, I started moving all my stuff in. My best friend (other roommate) was sick at that point, so could not help, and actually didn't stay with us the first night. After a hectic afternoon of moving everything, I took the car back to our friend, and she brought me back here. At this point, the cable internet installer was here, and he got us set up. My (second) mom left, he left, and I was alone. My girlfriend was at work, best friend was at his parents' house... things felt so very weird.
Homesickness started to kick in.
The only way to solve this: Work. My body was already hurting, but I got to it anyway. Put my desk chair back together, then started putting my desk together. Once it was together, my computer went up, and things started to feel like home. Still a weird feeling, but one I could deal with more so. Helped a little bit when my girlfriend got back with a few things - like an air mattress. >_> Slept. Friday was a long day, but survived it. That evening, my second mom and sister brought me back here and my sis got to see the place. That night, our roommate moved in. He and I were up until 02.30, 03.00 range putting his bed together and getting some groceries. Ah, ramen, poor person's food... Oh well. It'll work. Saturday, I went to visit my Aunt and Uncle, who I now live right up the road from, and then went out to dinner with my parents that night. None of the topics I'd been worried about really came up, which made the night much more enjoyable. Mom then gave me a bunch of stuff (talked about at first), and she and my blood sister got to see the apartment when they brought me back.
After they left, my girlfriend and best friend got back within a few seconds, and after several minutes, I finally lost it and broke down crying in front of them. This, of course, led to the chorus of "are you okay"s... I actually WAS okay. It was mainly just stress bleeding off and the realisations that everything had changed. The rest of the evening and Sunday passed quietly, and I managed to get my router set up and our wireless online. It took cloning the MAC from the original router, because for some reason, they lock to the MACs of routers. Sorry, that makes little to no sense to me, except from a business perspective of "lock everyone out". Oh well. If you ever go wardriving and see the name 'Serenity,' you might just have found us.
Monday, did my normal stuff, and that evening, my roommate and I went downtown to a coffee shop. It's been a while since I've worn a suit, so I decided to last night. All black except my tie, and then black leather gloves and my black fedora. Decided that last night was going to be a very "male" night for me. I took all my recording gear with me just in case, because I had hopes that a friend would be able to play. That didn't pan out, but my roommate and a friend of his hacked around on a synthesiser, which I did some recording with. Of course, being the nerds my roommate and I are, he has an Android tablet with a drum pad on it, which we plugged in and recorded with the synth lines. Definitely a fair amount of fun, and we got a few minutes of audio out of it, plus a rather hilarious sound byte from a girl who (not knowing I was recording) said something to her friend. A minor bit of editing later and we had a hilarious line. Might post it at some point, we'll see. Had a fun rest of the night, and met a lot of cool people, plus hung out with a few older friends. At the end, one of the guys looked at me and said, "You should hang out with us more." Made me reel slightly on the inside, but I'm not complaining. Pretty awesome that I was asked to do that.
When we got back to the house, my girlfriend scared the shit out of me by opening the door as I was reaching for the handle, but oh well... Soon, we're going to have to go by storage and get her boxes, start sorting through them. I desperately need more hangars - I have a lot of clothes - and she's going to need them too. We need a lot. Currently, our living room (where my desk is) has a few boxes in it, plus parts of a dead desk, and musical gear. We desperately need some more furniture - couch, chairs, maybe a table... We've been eating in our rooms or at my desk, depending. My chair is still the only chair in the house, which leaves just the beds to sit on. We desperately need to remedy the furniture situation! And a few other situations... But anyways.
I will be glad when I can get some of the stress off my plate. Get a job closer to here (preferably within walking distance), and stop having to worry about my other job. It is too much stress, especially without my own vehicle. Get through the first couple months here, actually start building up some buffers, get some real food. Things will get better though, as I keep having to tell a friend of mine... They will get better. Somehow. Someway. We will survive this.
Peace.
But most importantly? I'm FREE. I can go WHERE I want. I can go WHEN I want. It doesn't matter what time of day or night it is. 'Course, have to stay safe, but still... I'm free to dress how I wish in the house, and when I leave the house, I can wear my flats and not have to worry about taking my boots so that my parents don't see me like I am.
Anyway. Thursday was pretty crazy. Got up, finished packing a last few things, then wandered the house until my girlfriend and the woman she'd been staying with arrived. My second Mom arrived a few minutes later, and I started loading everything I'd moved to my living room into her van. Thank goodness for that van... I managed to move all of my stuff in one trip. Nine boxes, various sizes, plus a fairly large desk and desk chair. The woman my girlfriend was staying with offered us the use of her car for the day, so long as she got to class on time, which I took her up on, and highly appreciate. We got my dresser and some other stuff from one of my best friend's house, picked up my girlfriend's cats, and then that was it, we went to the apartment. We made it earlier than originally planned, and actually signed the lease early. After doing a walk-through of the apartment, I started moving all my stuff in. My best friend (other roommate) was sick at that point, so could not help, and actually didn't stay with us the first night. After a hectic afternoon of moving everything, I took the car back to our friend, and she brought me back here. At this point, the cable internet installer was here, and he got us set up. My (second) mom left, he left, and I was alone. My girlfriend was at work, best friend was at his parents' house... things felt so very weird.
Homesickness started to kick in.
The only way to solve this: Work. My body was already hurting, but I got to it anyway. Put my desk chair back together, then started putting my desk together. Once it was together, my computer went up, and things started to feel like home. Still a weird feeling, but one I could deal with more so. Helped a little bit when my girlfriend got back with a few things - like an air mattress. >_> Slept. Friday was a long day, but survived it. That evening, my second mom and sister brought me back here and my sis got to see the place. That night, our roommate moved in. He and I were up until 02.30, 03.00 range putting his bed together and getting some groceries. Ah, ramen, poor person's food... Oh well. It'll work. Saturday, I went to visit my Aunt and Uncle, who I now live right up the road from, and then went out to dinner with my parents that night. None of the topics I'd been worried about really came up, which made the night much more enjoyable. Mom then gave me a bunch of stuff (talked about at first), and she and my blood sister got to see the apartment when they brought me back.
After they left, my girlfriend and best friend got back within a few seconds, and after several minutes, I finally lost it and broke down crying in front of them. This, of course, led to the chorus of "are you okay"s... I actually WAS okay. It was mainly just stress bleeding off and the realisations that everything had changed. The rest of the evening and Sunday passed quietly, and I managed to get my router set up and our wireless online. It took cloning the MAC from the original router, because for some reason, they lock to the MACs of routers. Sorry, that makes little to no sense to me, except from a business perspective of "lock everyone out". Oh well. If you ever go wardriving and see the name 'Serenity,' you might just have found us.
Monday, did my normal stuff, and that evening, my roommate and I went downtown to a coffee shop. It's been a while since I've worn a suit, so I decided to last night. All black except my tie, and then black leather gloves and my black fedora. Decided that last night was going to be a very "male" night for me. I took all my recording gear with me just in case, because I had hopes that a friend would be able to play. That didn't pan out, but my roommate and a friend of his hacked around on a synthesiser, which I did some recording with. Of course, being the nerds my roommate and I are, he has an Android tablet with a drum pad on it, which we plugged in and recorded with the synth lines. Definitely a fair amount of fun, and we got a few minutes of audio out of it, plus a rather hilarious sound byte from a girl who (not knowing I was recording) said something to her friend. A minor bit of editing later and we had a hilarious line. Might post it at some point, we'll see. Had a fun rest of the night, and met a lot of cool people, plus hung out with a few older friends. At the end, one of the guys looked at me and said, "You should hang out with us more." Made me reel slightly on the inside, but I'm not complaining. Pretty awesome that I was asked to do that.
When we got back to the house, my girlfriend scared the shit out of me by opening the door as I was reaching for the handle, but oh well... Soon, we're going to have to go by storage and get her boxes, start sorting through them. I desperately need more hangars - I have a lot of clothes - and she's going to need them too. We need a lot. Currently, our living room (where my desk is) has a few boxes in it, plus parts of a dead desk, and musical gear. We desperately need some more furniture - couch, chairs, maybe a table... We've been eating in our rooms or at my desk, depending. My chair is still the only chair in the house, which leaves just the beds to sit on. We desperately need to remedy the furniture situation! And a few other situations... But anyways.
I will be glad when I can get some of the stress off my plate. Get a job closer to here (preferably within walking distance), and stop having to worry about my other job. It is too much stress, especially without my own vehicle. Get through the first couple months here, actually start building up some buffers, get some real food. Things will get better though, as I keep having to tell a friend of mine... They will get better. Somehow. Someway. We will survive this.
Peace.
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