Considering my last post included a spiel on how I really don't know what to call myself in terms of sexuality, some might wonder why I chose at all to make my main online persona bisexual. I mean, why would someone deliberately choose a self-description that most of society fails to accept, and actively hates? Let me tell a story to clarify some of this.
Really, I just have my moments. I have a lot of asexual moments, I have adore-my-boyfriend moments, and I definitely have lesbian moments. I even used to have homophobic moments, but that was before I really started thinking beyond the attitude I'd absorbed from my mother. The combination of the middle two basically make me bi. I have few enough lesbian moments, though, that I can pretend to be fully straight at times, which is useful since so many people are still homophobic, including my parents.
But I promised a story:
The first time I ever, even within my own brain, considered myself bisexual was when I wound up crushing on a friend, big time. This girl was... actually she is still a close friend of mine. We've spent the night at each others' houses more times than I can count. Naturally, since we're such close friends, we always set it up so that we have the time to hang out with each other practically all day after spending the night. One such day, actually one of the rare times at my house, we were sitting around, pretending to be cats.
It really is not unusual for us to be acting crazy like that. We'd been discussing how much better life would be as a cat - each of us had ex-boyfriend drama to work out, and it would be easy, if we were cats, to be adorable enough, get adopted by our guys, and cuddle 24-7 because no one gets mad at a cat for trying, and no reasonable girlfriend gets jealous of a cat.
Regardless of our reasons why, we were meowing at each other. She was more into it than I was, though, so I was back to the human role of scratching her head, especially behind her ears. Somewhere in the process, I began realizing that I wasn't thinking of it so much as scratching a cat's head but as caressing her ear and almost her cheek or the rest of her head, just like I'd done with my ex at times. My first boyfriend (the recent ex from the perspective of this story) was really the most influential person in teaching me not to be homophobic, so for the first time, my knee-jerk emotional reaction to that realization was, "that's… unusual, that I think of her this way," instead of "I must be mistaken, I can't like a girl!" In the past, when the latter reaction was my response, I had always managed to think myself out of crushing on someone. In this case, I just hadn't admitted it to myself yet.
This friend of mine is also a cuddler - if we sit down near each other, I instantly become a pillow, even if she's not tired, and that day, she was still tired despite the fact that we'd slept almost 12 hours the night before. Normally, I would bemusedly tolerate my pillow status, but that day, I had to force myself to act normal while the sheer presence of her warm body was making me unreasonably happy, especially when she quit hugging my knees on the couch we were sharing (I had my back up against one armrest) and laid down next to me, her head almost on my chest, in the perfect position for me to hug her shoulders. By this point, I was starting to realize that I liked her, but the words hadn't come to mind yet.
Along with the fact that she was hugging my legs at one point, she started scraping her teeth along my knee "because that's what cats do." I had jeans on at the time, and she was doing that lightly, so it really just tickled. I'm really ticklish, so I squirmed away at first. After a few times that she'd done it, I got over the fact that it tickled, and the fact that it was more unusual than I'd been expecting, even from her, and I realized it was oddly… pleasant. I figured out for the first time what was meant by the expression "butterflies in your stomach." It's a bit unusual, and if I was naming the sensation, I don't think I would use "butterflies," I would more likely say "inchworms." If you've ever let an inchworm crawl across your finger, with the slight pull its feet give your skin as it moves that almost tickles and really just feels weird, that's a much closer sensation to what I felt than butterflies' wings hitting you. And the physical contact, dare I say was a turn-on? Not even close to the level of making-out-wonderful, but still undeniable, and it lasted all day, even after she went home, which I wasn't used to. (Fortunately, in a girl's body, it's really easy to hide any sign of being turned on from anyone else: just don't say anything about it and leave your pants on.) That was when I really knew that it wasn't just in my mind, I was crushing badly on my friend.
Then I had to be sure for myself. Really, truly, sure. One of the first bi-curious moments I'd had (long before dating anyone) involved total bliss when a particular friend, different than the one in this story, had brushed my hair. A lot of people are fascinated with my hair, so it wasn't hard at all to subtly suggest that my friend brush my hair, without mentioning my experimental attitude toward the experience. She was enthusiastic and didn't ask questions, which saved me from a fair bit of awkwardness. The magic of having someone else brush my hair was different than in the memory I mentioned, but no less present. Her gentle fingers brushed against my neck at times, when she would separate my hair into manageable sections. It was ecstasy; a silent, forbidden thrill. Suddenly I couldn't stop seeing how beautifully delicate she was. No doubt remained, I had fallen firmly head over heels for one of my best friends.
What did I do about it? Nothing at all, at first. Even before I had that internal crisis/self recognition, we'd had enough discussions that homosexuality had come up, and I knew she didn't mind gay people, and I misremembered, thinking she was 100% straight herself. Along with some recent drama between her and another friend, female, who my friend claimed forced her to break up with her ex because, among other reasons, [this other friend] liked her, she also tended to tell everyone about all her drama, so I decided I had more than enough reason to stay quiet, especially as I was still unsure if I was truly bisexual (and still cringing at the word because I wasn't used to it). Eventually, though, I mentioned it to her. I discovered that she was also at least bi-curious. I tried to avoid forcing the issue, but it seemed she felt compelled to ask me out anyway. Needless to say, with such a shaky start, our relationship unfortunately did not last long. On the other hand, we remain good friends, which is quite a useful trick. I'm lucky like that; I've been able to remain friends with all of my exes, even after breaking up.
The next challenge was my parents. Homophobia galore to face on this front. They still don't know of my moments. I've decided that they don't need to be told, but I'm willing to face the fire if they find out by accident.
So why do I identify immediately as bisexual? Because I know, somewhere deep within me that despite how rarely it happens, I still fall for girls once in a while. I have to express all sides of myself somewhere, so online is where the hidden parts of me are revealed. I am indeed bisexual, and I wish I could say unashamed. For now, at least I know who and what I am.
Until next time.
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