(Warning, probably a lot of use of the word "fuck".)
I just want to curl up in a ball right now. So hurt and angry and just... fuck.
What is so fucking hard about accepting me for who I fucking well am? I am your child, mom. I always have been, and I always will be. Why can you not accept that I don't feel like I'm supposed to look the way I do? Why can't you accept that I am transgender? You say it is because of society, but that is such a bullshit answer. You and dad fucking TAUGHT me and your younger daughter to be accepting of everyone no matter what, yet here you are and you can't even fucking accept your own child for who they are - and not who they look like?
Fucking hell. I want to curl up and cry. I feel like I'm losing reality, and I don't have anything to grab hold of and hang on to. My desk doesn't even help.
Why me? Why do I have to be transgender? Why can't I just be the fucking son, why is my brain fucked up like this? I don't really give a whole lot of a shit about what most of society thinks - society as a whole are fucktards - but there are a few people I do care what they think. My immediate family? They're one of them. After twenty years of being basically preached to about acceptance of others, I'm not accepted simply because of... Because I feel wrong? Because I'm NOT male? Because I want to be a girl on the outside instead - and on the inside, am one?
We grew up on non-religious. We grew up with tolerance and acceptance of others drilled into us. So WHAT is different about me that you can't tolerate and accept me? Is it because it's not some nameless, faceless person - it's your own child? I just don't even know what to think anymore. What am I supposed to think about you, when you won't accept me?
I've been trying to get a real answer for three months about why you are so... what, hesitant to believe? don't think it's true? Three fucking months, and no real fucking answer yet. The only answer I've gotten so far from you, mom, was that you were raised in the catholic church and it was wrong there - and that it isn't accepted by society. And when I asked you tonight if that's why you didn't accept me - because society won't accept me as a whole - you deflected and just said that if I wanted to talk about it I had to talk to both you and dad at the same time. You've always been the one that I can come to with shit like this - and now, now... when I need your acceptance... I don't get it. Because of society - and your upbringing, which you have shaken? Something... Something does not make sense here.
I don't know what's so hard for you to realize. That this is REAL. That I'm not just making this up, that it's not just some perverse game. Will you believe it if the Psychiatrist says it's true? Then will you believe me? Will you accept me then?
Why do I have a feeling that you still won't accept me, even through that? What about this is so fucking hard? I am still your child! That isn't going to change! Why can't I be your daughter instead of your son though? We've all known for a long time that I'm not normal - in many different ways - and it's shown through the entire time I was growing up. We just didn't know to what extent the insanity ran.
Need a hug. Need Kara here. Something. Fighting tears and just... not in a good place.
There is no peace for me right now.
Help?
2012/03/28
Carry On
Sinus infection went away. Persistent bastard. Allegra, Sudafed, Tylenol, Mucinex, plus the antibiotic. Was quite happy to be rid of it.
Never did end up getting back down to the tornado disaster zone, unfortunately. Wish I could have done more...
Ended up spending a few hours with Kara that Friday afternoon, and then a few more hours later that evening. Amazing, mostly. I love that girl. She makes me so happy... I've seen her (almost) every day for the past few weeks, which is good, all things considered. I won't have almost any time with her next week, then summer is basically shot, and probably fall too. We'll see how it goes. Fighting to get as much time with her as possible before that happens.
That Friday also went awesome in another way - I got the A/V job! I am now working at a hotel, doing the Audio and Visual side of things. I've already racked up a fair number of hours, and done my first big build - which is amazing. I can't really post pictures, but suffice to say: If our team gets creative license, then watch out world! It turns out amazingly. I'm even getting paid a reasonable amount of money this time around. Even though I'm "temporary" - more like part time - I'm still getting a good amount of hours. Only... well, not really bad, not interesting, just... eh part of the job are the random hours. This past weekend, I went in at 06.30 Saturday morning, worked until 16.30, then went in Sunday from 17.30 until 22.30 (Sunday was the big build). And then I turned around and worked at 07.00 on Monday. The only other part of the job that is even halfway annoying is the fact that I have to wear a suit for work, seeing as how we meet with clients on a constant basis. I don't mind it - wearing a suit certainly makes me feel like a badass - but it means I have to find good suits. So far, it's been going to Goodwill and finding good two piece suits with the help of one of my best friends - that man has an eye for fashion - and matching it with shirts and ties. I probably need to get a couple real suits, but that's shelling out some serious money there. Stick to Goodwill for the time being, I guess. Oh well.
I still have yet to call the Medical insurance company. I need to do that! Grah. Been so busy with work and school and hanging out with Kara that I just haven't really thought about it, much less done it. But seriously, I need to... My body isn't right, and it bugs me. But I want to be able to go to a psychologist where Kara can go with me at least once, so I don't feel like I'm going in there alone... But that means either going on one of her days off, or a weekend, and I don't know many - if any - psychologists that are open on the weekend. I need to figure it out...
Dear GAWD, I need to shave tomorrow afternoon. My legs look like woolly freaking mammoths. Toooo much body hair! Drives me nuts. That, and a day without shaving, I have definite face stubble issues. It's driving me nuts. Wish estrogen could do something about face hair, but it won't... and of course the laser hair removal is EXPENSIVE! Grahhhh. So much about all this is expensive... drives me nuts! Welcome to life though, right?
So, a couple days ago, I went to visit my old mentor, and he told me about a second-hand store that had a few server racks - and servers still in them! - there. I went over to that store and bought three Dell PowerEdge servers, plus a Cisco Catalyst 2900. For A HUNDRED BUCKS. We're talking over three thousand dollars worth of gear, and I got it for a hundred dollars. How does this happen? Second hand stores for the win!! But yeah. Gonna set one of the servers up as a dev server, hopefully give one to dad as an early b-day present for his virtual stuff, and use one as a file server or something... I'll see how they run. I seriously need a day off though to tackle them, and I don't know when that'll be anytime soon... Between school and work. Heh. Oh well! I'll figure it out. I still have to figure out where I'm going to put my servers - not like I have much space in my room! - and we don't really have a whole lot of space in the entire house. I'd like to get in on a co-op or something, but that takes money that I currently don't have.
I need to yank the graphics card out of my old box and put it in my current box though, because the one in my current box is dying, it sounds like... I think the fan on it is going to hell. Either way, I need to fix that soon - especially if I want to stay active in SecondLife. I'll figure it out and make it work - I always do in the end...
Anyways. Sorry about the random jumping around in this post. More of a train-of-thought than anything. It's 0.18 though. I'm tired, and my brain really isn't wanting to work. Not to mention having to get up in five and a half hours... Oh yay.
Until next time.
Peace.
Never did end up getting back down to the tornado disaster zone, unfortunately. Wish I could have done more...
Ended up spending a few hours with Kara that Friday afternoon, and then a few more hours later that evening. Amazing, mostly. I love that girl. She makes me so happy... I've seen her (almost) every day for the past few weeks, which is good, all things considered. I won't have almost any time with her next week, then summer is basically shot, and probably fall too. We'll see how it goes. Fighting to get as much time with her as possible before that happens.
That Friday also went awesome in another way - I got the A/V job! I am now working at a hotel, doing the Audio and Visual side of things. I've already racked up a fair number of hours, and done my first big build - which is amazing. I can't really post pictures, but suffice to say: If our team gets creative license, then watch out world! It turns out amazingly. I'm even getting paid a reasonable amount of money this time around. Even though I'm "temporary" - more like part time - I'm still getting a good amount of hours. Only... well, not really bad, not interesting, just... eh part of the job are the random hours. This past weekend, I went in at 06.30 Saturday morning, worked until 16.30, then went in Sunday from 17.30 until 22.30 (Sunday was the big build). And then I turned around and worked at 07.00 on Monday. The only other part of the job that is even halfway annoying is the fact that I have to wear a suit for work, seeing as how we meet with clients on a constant basis. I don't mind it - wearing a suit certainly makes me feel like a badass - but it means I have to find good suits. So far, it's been going to Goodwill and finding good two piece suits with the help of one of my best friends - that man has an eye for fashion - and matching it with shirts and ties. I probably need to get a couple real suits, but that's shelling out some serious money there. Stick to Goodwill for the time being, I guess. Oh well.
I still have yet to call the Medical insurance company. I need to do that! Grah. Been so busy with work and school and hanging out with Kara that I just haven't really thought about it, much less done it. But seriously, I need to... My body isn't right, and it bugs me. But I want to be able to go to a psychologist where Kara can go with me at least once, so I don't feel like I'm going in there alone... But that means either going on one of her days off, or a weekend, and I don't know many - if any - psychologists that are open on the weekend. I need to figure it out...
Dear GAWD, I need to shave tomorrow afternoon. My legs look like woolly freaking mammoths. Toooo much body hair! Drives me nuts. That, and a day without shaving, I have definite face stubble issues. It's driving me nuts. Wish estrogen could do something about face hair, but it won't... and of course the laser hair removal is EXPENSIVE! Grahhhh. So much about all this is expensive... drives me nuts! Welcome to life though, right?
So, a couple days ago, I went to visit my old mentor, and he told me about a second-hand store that had a few server racks - and servers still in them! - there. I went over to that store and bought three Dell PowerEdge servers, plus a Cisco Catalyst 2900. For A HUNDRED BUCKS. We're talking over three thousand dollars worth of gear, and I got it for a hundred dollars. How does this happen? Second hand stores for the win!! But yeah. Gonna set one of the servers up as a dev server, hopefully give one to dad as an early b-day present for his virtual stuff, and use one as a file server or something... I'll see how they run. I seriously need a day off though to tackle them, and I don't know when that'll be anytime soon... Between school and work. Heh. Oh well! I'll figure it out. I still have to figure out where I'm going to put my servers - not like I have much space in my room! - and we don't really have a whole lot of space in the entire house. I'd like to get in on a co-op or something, but that takes money that I currently don't have.
I need to yank the graphics card out of my old box and put it in my current box though, because the one in my current box is dying, it sounds like... I think the fan on it is going to hell. Either way, I need to fix that soon - especially if I want to stay active in SecondLife. I'll figure it out and make it work - I always do in the end...
Anyways. Sorry about the random jumping around in this post. More of a train-of-thought than anything. It's 0.18 though. I'm tired, and my brain really isn't wanting to work. Not to mention having to get up in five and a half hours... Oh yay.
Until next time.
Peace.
2012/03/15
..... Sinus Infection? Really?
Fucknuggets!
I have a sinus infection! Doctor told me on Monday. I've been on meds since and doing better, but it's still taking its toll. Tired constantly, coughing, irritable.... Hungry! Don't forget hungry. And on top of it all, I CAN'T FREAKING TYPE. I think in the past paragraph, I've managed to misspell so many words I've lost track... This stupid infection has basically had me stuck at home for the past few days, to boot.
I haven't really been able to go down to the tornado disaster zone, either. I've managed to go down there twice total - last Wednesday and Friday. And it's really frustrating. I posted about last Wednesday, but didn't get around to Friday. I went down Friday morning, got to the Fire Station, and they assigned me to a section. I went out, trying to find it, and managed to get lost (of course). Twenty minutes later, I ended up back at the station and they gave me the correct directions - as the road signs were down - and this time I managed to get to the correct location. Got there, and just... I don't know. Damage. Huge amounts of damage. The tornado just cut a path of destruction and left almost nothing standing. One house was literally missing everything except two outside walls and an inside one. Another house had the siding basically stripped off the side of it. Talking with the person who owned the house that had been almost completely demolished revealed that there had been four barns - and none of them even appeared from where I was standing. Originally, I'd been out there to help out, but there was nothing really to do. The plan came down to simply "bulldoze it and burn it" then start completely over. I talked with them for a bit longer then headed back to the fire station, where they had me make runs around the county taking water and other supplies to different places. Naturally, in the course of these runs, I met a fair number of people, and all of them were just... how do you describe it?
Nobody had completely given up, but some were close, and some were just depressed... Nobody had anything really clear. But everybody was resigned. Nobody was really in denial about what happened - it seems logical that way, but emotions don't work like that...
It's a mess. I want to do more, but I can't right now, and it's scary to see all the damage.
Anyways. I'm on a steady diet of sudafed and pain killers, trying to get rid of allergy headaches and crap, and I've been hacking up a storm. I think the sinus infection is finally receding - it's Thursday - but I'm still having all the issues I mentioned before. Irritable is barely covering it, too, in some cases. Right before dinner tonight, my dad and I just started almost-yelling at each other over who knows what, and it took me until we were both basically saying "shut the fuck up" to each other (me under my breath) to realize that both of us were majorly irritable already. Damned sinuses. And of course, today has been really wet, which hasn't helped with crap in the air. So, I'm just not in good shape.
Tomorrow is a day off for the public school district, so I'm going to hopefully spend a good chunk of time with Kara, as well as job hunting. A friend's dad works at one of the hotels / convention centers in the area, and he's looking for an A/V person. That's me! Hopefully he'll call me up and we can get together and chat - and let me get a look around and feel for the place. It'd be an awesome job, as it is part time and can work around my school schedule. Tomorrow should be good. Pissed off my sister, too, because apparently she was planning on stealing the car for the day or whatever - denied!
It's spring break. I would, of course, spend my spring break basically at the house feeling like shit. Pretty much fitting...
Monday, I found out a pretty damned amazing piece of news - I have health insurance under my parents still. Do until I'm twenty five or twenty six. Meant I could go to the doctor, get the meds, and actually try and fix this stupid mess of allergies. I also talked to the doc while I was there about my gender "dysphoria". He told me he actually has a couple of patients that are transgender / transsexual, and he told me to call my insurance company and find out what in-network psychologists handle gender dysphoria, so that I can start actually moving on stuff. He looked at me and said, if it's wrong, it needs to be fixed. I don't think that there's much more I can say beyond the fact that the Doctor said so that will convince my parents to actually let me start figuring this out beyond just... wearing female clothing alone or somewhat in public.
I'm with the Doc though. I need to figure out what's going on and try to "fix" it... whatever fixing really is. So, I should probably call the insurance company tomorrow or Monday. Mental health is a.... touchy subject.
Not really much else to say. If I remember something in my sinus-induced state, I'll probably edit or start writing a new post.
Until next time.
Peace.
I have a sinus infection! Doctor told me on Monday. I've been on meds since and doing better, but it's still taking its toll. Tired constantly, coughing, irritable.... Hungry! Don't forget hungry. And on top of it all, I CAN'T FREAKING TYPE. I think in the past paragraph, I've managed to misspell so many words I've lost track... This stupid infection has basically had me stuck at home for the past few days, to boot.
I haven't really been able to go down to the tornado disaster zone, either. I've managed to go down there twice total - last Wednesday and Friday. And it's really frustrating. I posted about last Wednesday, but didn't get around to Friday. I went down Friday morning, got to the Fire Station, and they assigned me to a section. I went out, trying to find it, and managed to get lost (of course). Twenty minutes later, I ended up back at the station and they gave me the correct directions - as the road signs were down - and this time I managed to get to the correct location. Got there, and just... I don't know. Damage. Huge amounts of damage. The tornado just cut a path of destruction and left almost nothing standing. One house was literally missing everything except two outside walls and an inside one. Another house had the siding basically stripped off the side of it. Talking with the person who owned the house that had been almost completely demolished revealed that there had been four barns - and none of them even appeared from where I was standing. Originally, I'd been out there to help out, but there was nothing really to do. The plan came down to simply "bulldoze it and burn it" then start completely over. I talked with them for a bit longer then headed back to the fire station, where they had me make runs around the county taking water and other supplies to different places. Naturally, in the course of these runs, I met a fair number of people, and all of them were just... how do you describe it?
Nobody had completely given up, but some were close, and some were just depressed... Nobody had anything really clear. But everybody was resigned. Nobody was really in denial about what happened - it seems logical that way, but emotions don't work like that...
It's a mess. I want to do more, but I can't right now, and it's scary to see all the damage.
Anyways. I'm on a steady diet of sudafed and pain killers, trying to get rid of allergy headaches and crap, and I've been hacking up a storm. I think the sinus infection is finally receding - it's Thursday - but I'm still having all the issues I mentioned before. Irritable is barely covering it, too, in some cases. Right before dinner tonight, my dad and I just started almost-yelling at each other over who knows what, and it took me until we were both basically saying "shut the fuck up" to each other (me under my breath) to realize that both of us were majorly irritable already. Damned sinuses. And of course, today has been really wet, which hasn't helped with crap in the air. So, I'm just not in good shape.
Tomorrow is a day off for the public school district, so I'm going to hopefully spend a good chunk of time with Kara, as well as job hunting. A friend's dad works at one of the hotels / convention centers in the area, and he's looking for an A/V person. That's me! Hopefully he'll call me up and we can get together and chat - and let me get a look around and feel for the place. It'd be an awesome job, as it is part time and can work around my school schedule. Tomorrow should be good. Pissed off my sister, too, because apparently she was planning on stealing the car for the day or whatever - denied!
It's spring break. I would, of course, spend my spring break basically at the house feeling like shit. Pretty much fitting...
Monday, I found out a pretty damned amazing piece of news - I have health insurance under my parents still. Do until I'm twenty five or twenty six. Meant I could go to the doctor, get the meds, and actually try and fix this stupid mess of allergies. I also talked to the doc while I was there about my gender "dysphoria". He told me he actually has a couple of patients that are transgender / transsexual, and he told me to call my insurance company and find out what in-network psychologists handle gender dysphoria, so that I can start actually moving on stuff. He looked at me and said, if it's wrong, it needs to be fixed. I don't think that there's much more I can say beyond the fact that the Doctor said so that will convince my parents to actually let me start figuring this out beyond just... wearing female clothing alone or somewhat in public.
I'm with the Doc though. I need to figure out what's going on and try to "fix" it... whatever fixing really is. So, I should probably call the insurance company tomorrow or Monday. Mental health is a.... touchy subject.
Not really much else to say. If I remember something in my sinus-induced state, I'll probably edit or start writing a new post.
Until next time.
Peace.
2012/03/07
There are no words....
This past Friday, tornadoes ripped through our state. Monday morning, the headlines in the local rag (paper) were of volunteers who went down to help clean up the messes. I looked at my parents and said, I need to do this. They both simply said, "okay". Tuesday - yesterday - I started doing research. Stonewalled, mostly... Couldn't find anything online really telling me where I could volunteer to help. Finally, ended up calling the county court. They redirected me to a fire station, which I then called. They gave me the information I needed, and told me to be there this morning. This county is about an hour and a half, give or take, from my house. Seventy or so miles. (Blame road work and back roads for slowness.) I drove in, hauling a fair amount of butt, and went to the school where volunteers were being directed. Asked what needed to be done. Ended up at the other school, where I spent the day moving water, boxes of clothes, food, supplies... Everything. It was amazing how much had been donated. A semi load had shown up... yesterday? with a bunch of gear in it, and it'd all be unloaded and began to be sorted. By the end of the day today, the gym, which had been amazingly full this morning, was almost completely empty. We had so many truck loads to the different distribution points in the community that I lost track.
My entire body is sore.
Friday, probably Saturday, and all through next week, I'm going to go down there to help out. Try to help these people... get back on their feet. Hopefully. All through today, I'd talk to some random person, and the typical "hey, how're you" "fine, how're you" kind of talk would be exchanged. Yet... I was overwhelmed by emotions. These people are hurting in a huge way. They don't show it - I only saw a single tear shed all day at the school - but it's there, just beneath the skin. It only took a few minutes of talking for the man speaking to shed that tear, but... It's there. Most of these people have barely slept in the past five days, yet they're still doing everything they can. Even through everything, these people are strong. Stronger than I could ever possibly imagine... But the pain is still there. I knew it was going to happen - I knew I'd feel it, see it... I just didn't expect the sheer amount. My emotions literally shut down within the first two hours from being overwhelmed.
These people have had natural disasters occur to them before. They are no stranger to the pain, the anger, the fear of them. They know how to respond, how to get moving, how to make things happen, and how to get things back into shape. They're still hurting though, even though they try to hide it behind the "this has all happened before, it'll all happen again" mentality.
There are no words when a disaster like this strikes. I had no idea what to tell anybody today when it came to talking about it. I mean, what can you say? "I'm sorry." What's that even mean in a situation like this? We're talking about people who have lost their homes, their vehicles, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. Right now, I can't even fathom that. The only thing that can really be done is to trek on, to try to make the best of the situation and repair things as best as possible - even if it doesn't seem like there's anything to repair. These people trek on, even though there were at least two deaths in their county, so much loss...
I wish I knew what to say to people after things like this happen. I've lost people before. More than I'd care to admit to anybody else, much less to myself. This is the second time in a week that I have had no words for a situation.
Earlier this week - Tuesday morning - my sister looks at me as she's getting ready to go to school and tells me that her best friend's older sister committed suicide the night before. I had heard many good things about this girl, and it left me rather shell shocked. After my sister walked out the door, my mom came back and hugged me, because that's all we could do... There just were no words. What do you say to somebody when they found out they lost one of their friends to them taking their own life?? I haven't managed to figure out what to say, still, and I've gone through this too many times myself. There's no good way to comfort people in these situations.
On top of all of this... I learned a couple things today that I'm not so sure I wanted to know. Although, it makes it easier to know where to put our money... Red Cross are a bunch of assholes. All I'm gonna say. And FEMA are too, but we knew that. People, if you're going to donate your money to someplace where it'll actually be useful, try to find out if a local bank (local to the disaster area) has set up a fund, and if there hasn't, try to find out through the local courts, government offices... Churches, even, and I rarely will say that. Still more likely to get the money to the actual problem, as opposed to just paying employees. I'm dead serious about this.
*Sigh.*
I want to see these people quit hurting so much, which is why I'm planning on going back down there as much as I can over the next week. I have class tomorrow, so I can't go then, but beyond that... next week is Spring Break. So definitely going down to the county as much as I can.
I wish I had the answers. I really do.
Until next time.
Peace.
My entire body is sore.
Friday, probably Saturday, and all through next week, I'm going to go down there to help out. Try to help these people... get back on their feet. Hopefully. All through today, I'd talk to some random person, and the typical "hey, how're you" "fine, how're you" kind of talk would be exchanged. Yet... I was overwhelmed by emotions. These people are hurting in a huge way. They don't show it - I only saw a single tear shed all day at the school - but it's there, just beneath the skin. It only took a few minutes of talking for the man speaking to shed that tear, but... It's there. Most of these people have barely slept in the past five days, yet they're still doing everything they can. Even through everything, these people are strong. Stronger than I could ever possibly imagine... But the pain is still there. I knew it was going to happen - I knew I'd feel it, see it... I just didn't expect the sheer amount. My emotions literally shut down within the first two hours from being overwhelmed.
These people have had natural disasters occur to them before. They are no stranger to the pain, the anger, the fear of them. They know how to respond, how to get moving, how to make things happen, and how to get things back into shape. They're still hurting though, even though they try to hide it behind the "this has all happened before, it'll all happen again" mentality.
There are no words when a disaster like this strikes. I had no idea what to tell anybody today when it came to talking about it. I mean, what can you say? "I'm sorry." What's that even mean in a situation like this? We're talking about people who have lost their homes, their vehicles, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. Right now, I can't even fathom that. The only thing that can really be done is to trek on, to try to make the best of the situation and repair things as best as possible - even if it doesn't seem like there's anything to repair. These people trek on, even though there were at least two deaths in their county, so much loss...
I wish I knew what to say to people after things like this happen. I've lost people before. More than I'd care to admit to anybody else, much less to myself. This is the second time in a week that I have had no words for a situation.
Earlier this week - Tuesday morning - my sister looks at me as she's getting ready to go to school and tells me that her best friend's older sister committed suicide the night before. I had heard many good things about this girl, and it left me rather shell shocked. After my sister walked out the door, my mom came back and hugged me, because that's all we could do... There just were no words. What do you say to somebody when they found out they lost one of their friends to them taking their own life?? I haven't managed to figure out what to say, still, and I've gone through this too many times myself. There's no good way to comfort people in these situations.
On top of all of this... I learned a couple things today that I'm not so sure I wanted to know. Although, it makes it easier to know where to put our money... Red Cross are a bunch of assholes. All I'm gonna say. And FEMA are too, but we knew that. People, if you're going to donate your money to someplace where it'll actually be useful, try to find out if a local bank (local to the disaster area) has set up a fund, and if there hasn't, try to find out through the local courts, government offices... Churches, even, and I rarely will say that. Still more likely to get the money to the actual problem, as opposed to just paying employees. I'm dead serious about this.
*Sigh.*
I want to see these people quit hurting so much, which is why I'm planning on going back down there as much as I can over the next week. I have class tomorrow, so I can't go then, but beyond that... next week is Spring Break. So definitely going down to the county as much as I can.
I wish I had the answers. I really do.
Until next time.
Peace.
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