Open letter to Ms. Lindsay Leigh Bentley

Hey gang. I know it's been ages since I've posted. I've been busy, you know? And other than a few odd comments I've had the misfortune to overhear (e.g. "it's fine if you're gay, it's fine if you're straight, but bisexual people need to just pick one" so, since I'm gender-fluid, no one should ever date me?) nothing recently has brought up the issues I'm most familiar with in a way that I felt strongly enough I had to write about them.

But it turns out people have the most interesting misconceptions about being trans, and when they are applied, they go from interesting to oppressive. I recently read a blog post that was very nicely worded and yet, despite all the author did right, I still finished reading the post and felt as though this author misunderstands trans people and thinks we don't really exist, or maybe that, despite the fact trans people exist, we can't know ourselves that thoroughly until at least puberty (which, from my friends' collective experience, is the time that all issues related to being in the wrong body get exponentially worse.)

(Not familiar with the child she's referring to? Read this for a nice summary with the original video.)

As you can probably already tell based on my comments, I distinctly disagree with the conclusions that blog post led me to.

Funnily enough, my experience as a child isn't too different from this author's. I feel it may be helpful to share, and hopefully address the misunderstandings just as politely as they were presented.

Here goes: 
An open letter to Ms. Lindsay Leigh Bentley. 

Dear Lindsay,

I hope I can call you that. It's how you signed your blog post, after all.

So much of your post resonated with me. I grew up a self-proclaimed tomboy. Nearly all of my friends before 8th grade were male, and the girls I was friends with were from girl scout camp, where there was obviously no boys, but we were all the rough-and-tumble type at camp anyway so I often found kindred spirits to befriend.

It's interesting, given that I have since discovered myself as a gender-fluid individual, that I never questioned that I was female. I should note that I am the exception not the rule. Most trans people know their gender doesn't match their body from a very young age. I didn't figure myself out until after puberty. Of course, I only knew of two binary genders at the time but that's a conversation for another day.

In fact, in middle school, when we had to write a paper answering the question "do girls or boys have it easier?" I didn't even have to think. Obviously girls had it easier because it was okay if we had guy-friends or acted masculine. But it was social suicide for a boy in the lower grades to hang out with girls or act feminine. Girls had more freedom of expression, freedom to be ourselves. Clearly that was better. Now, as a less-naive adult, and versed in the language of feminism, I recognize that the "freedom" I thought I had was still rooted in sexism. Men can't be any less than masculine because that's weak. Girls are allowed to try to be stronger and less oppressed. Men do have "better, more successful" lives (in terms of more income and less harassment and similar standards) than women. But for young boys and girls, I still stand by that conclusion. Young girls, in general, have more freedom than young boys do, and freedom is not bad.

You enjoyed some of that freedom. So did I. You concluded that since you were a masculine child who was allowed to be yourself and wished to be a boy, and since you are just fine now, as a grown woman, that it is what? Cruel for Ryland's parents to let xem present as male and perhaps encourage xem to do so? I use the gender neutral pronouns in acknowledgement of your uncertainty of Ryland's gender. I'll admit, it's possible your experience was similar enough to Ryland's that your fear is justified. Perhaps, Ryland as a teen will have huge issues with transitioning hormonally when puberty should have "fixed" it and made xem a "normal" girl. Perhaps not. I think the balance is tipped far in the "unlikely" side, but your conclusion is still a possible reality.

I don't pretend to be an expert on your life, nor on Ryland's. I only know what your blog tells me about you and what the news tells me about Ryland. And of course, since I fall under the trans umbrella and I have many friends who are binary trans, I have learned etiquette regarding trans people and the process of transitioning, and the meaning of words.

My primary complaint with your blog post is actually the subtitle. You called yourself a male-identifying child. I suspect you used this after using context clues to guess what "identifying" meant in the context of gender identity. You described yourself as a masculine child who "wished" to be a boy. I cannot speak for all trans people, especially since I am a minority within the minority. However, what I consistently hear from my trans friends who identify as female (or male-to-female if you prefer) is not "I wanted to be a girl and now I've become one". What I hear is "I've always been a girl. Even when everyone told me otherwise I knew they were wrong. I'm glad everyone else can now see the girl I've always been."

That is what identifying is to trans people. It is not wishing. It is knowing. I hope you understand why such similar sounding statements are worlds apart in meaning.

I honestly don't know which category Ryland falls into. I only know what little the internet tells me about xir life. I have a solid guess which one describes your childhood based on your choice of words, but even so, I can't be certain from only one post. Essentially, I've just met you, after all.

Regardless, the difference between identifying and wishing is whether or not transition is appropriate. For someone who, with the definition I've just presented, identifies as something other than the gender they were assigned at birth, transition is appropriate. Those that wish they were another gender have consciously or unconsiously acknowledged their actual gender. Many trans people wish to be cisgender, wish that their minds match their bodies, wish that transition and social stigma aren't necessary for them. Transition can be expensive and no one chooses to be an outcast. Just like your wish to be male, the wish to be cisgender does not change the reality of anyone's existence.

My other complaint with your post has to do with etiquette. We may not know all the details of Ryland's life. We only know that the video says "he identifies as male." When you are told someone's identity, whether or not you believe it, it is polite to use the pronouns suggested by that identity. At the very least, don't use the opposite ones. Through your entire post, you called Ryland "she". That can very offensive, even though I can see you doubt how long xem "identifying" will last. Your words tell me you think xe is not really trans. When that assumption is applied to trans people in general, it is offensive. Treating trans people as though they are their assigned gender is called trans-erasure. It says you think they aren't really trans, and often it also says you think trans people don't exist. I don't know whether or not you believe trans people exist. But if someone told you that girls couldn't be masculine, so obviously you weren't a girl or you were never masculine, you would be offended too. You clearly exist as you are and with your exact history; it is that person's misinformed belief that girls can't be masculine. I hope you understand why erasure and misgendering are offensive, whether or not you believe trans people exist. No one likes to be told they don't exist or that their identity isn't valid.

I feel that I've been very negative, but I actually liked much of your post. For example, I appreciate that you understand that gender expression is not gender identity and does not relate to sexuality. You were perfectly capable of being a masculine child and still being a girl. It's perfectly possible for a male child or adult to be feminine and not a transgirl or transwoman. Sexuality really can't be known until puberty, when people become sexually aware, so "opposite gendered behaviors" in childhood don't reflect a child's future sexuality. You made these points in different words, and they are all very good. They do not enforce harmful stereotypes. You actually attacked the harmful stereotypes that bother me most. I love when people do that.

Finally, I would like to address the assumptions I have regarding Ryland, and why I believe xir parents are doing the right thing, since you and I came to different conclusions.

You remember how I explained "identifying" from a trans person's perspective, I hope. It's only been a few paragraphs, after all. Anyone now who feels strongly enough to look into transition has many resources online, support groups in person and on Facebook, and other places. In the internet age, it's easy to find other people who feel the same way you do who can explain the terms they all use and share their own stories. I trust that any parent who would be open minded enough to listen to their child say "I am not a [assigned gender]" despite what their eyes and the doctors tell them, would also be open minded enough to know they don't know everything and go looking for those answers and talk to real trans people about their experiences and struggles, and also to search out people like you and hear your story so they could recognize what isn't being trans and carefully determine whether or not the words and emotions are a phase or whether they will last. Some people say that it can only ever be a phase, but the collective experience of my trans friends says that statement is false.

Do I know that Ryland's parents are actually being that careful? Of course I don't know. I've never met them. But by virtue of them listening to their child and allowing xem to know xemself, I trust them to also listen to the voices that have gone through similar experiences.

You think it is cruel to force a girl to go through male puberty. I agree. But it is also cruel to force a boy to go through female puberty. If Ryland is male as xir parents claim (and unless you know the family personally, neither you nor I can talk to Ryland and judge the sincerity of xir identity for ourselves, so we have to trust xir parents' judgement) then transition now may be the safest option. The parents cannot enforce this transition at puberty without a doctor's assistance, to prescribe appropriate hormones. (Hormone blockers, to delay puberty in case Ryland is an early bloomer are likely to be prescribed already, but are also completely reversible, so I'm ignoring their existence for simplicity.)

Even if the parents are making a bad choice for their child, the doctors will double check it. A significant part of the process for anyone getting hormones to transition, regardless of age, is to talk to a psychologist one-on-one and have the psychologist write a letter of recommendation for hormones before they can ever be prescribed. Ryland will be a young teen by then, (xe won't need hormones until puberty after all) more than able to think and speak for xemself, and any psychologist knows more than I do about any problems likely to come from a prepubescent mind, and will take them into account before writing the letter.

For all of these reasons and more, I believe Ryland is in no danger of being forced into the wrong puberty. I would hesitate to put my own child in the same spotlight if they were transitioning at a young age, but that would be me projecting my own shyness onto my children and enforcing a better-safe-than-sorry policy because I believe it is best. No one seems to complain when parents teach or enforce safety-related beliefs over their children. Only when the parents teach other attitudes that are "too conservative" or "too liberal." Again, that's a thought for another day.

You are concerned for a child that is not your own. From the sound of it, you have raised your own with love and without enforcing restrictive stereotypes. That's fantastic. Keep up the good work. But a little advice, if I may. Don't worry about Ryland. You can't affect xir life, and even if you do, you are unlikely to know it. Don't stress about what you can't change. Keep loving the child(ren?) you have. Raise them well. I hope to do the same one day.

Best

~ Kara

(edited to get rid of that awful font. The joys of mobile blogging: my app that is best for typing has a weird font, and the Blogger app is too smart and keeps it. :P )

Censorship, Part 2

Read part 1 first to avoid confusion.

. . . I would hyperlink it, but apparently Blogger mobile doesn't allow that. It's just the last post on this blog, written two days ago. Simple enough. Stupid app. :P

So, I did wind up soaking the papers I'd been censored from. I followed up two hours later by writing "CENSORSHIP SUCKS WHEN IT'S EVERYONE" and then smaller, "individually it's a shard of glass in the heart"

Barely 40 hours later, the papers are all in the bathroom trash can. Someone didn't like the reminder that they censor people and that it hurts.

I am rather amused this time, at the irony, because someone's immediate reaction to "censorship sucks" is to take down the entire place to write along with the message. 'Let me censor any reminder that censorship happens.' Good luck with that. People always notice.

But on a serious note, the reactions I've had to the previous post have informed me of other times censorship happens on campus. Before an open house, all the "negative" post-its on another bathroom discussion board disappeared, even the ones like "I miss you friends when we're not together" which I would personally consider positive underneath. Another friend has been formally reprimanded for admitting to being suicidal because "it makes the people around you uncomfortable." I'm glad to know I'm not alone in being censored, but this also shows that the problem is pervasive, and can strike in all magnitudes.

Amused though I am at the latest example, censorship is real and it hurts people. I don't have a perfect plan to fighting it, but I entreat you, readers, to listen to people's stories. A kind, patient, listening ear can be very healing to those who feel silenced.

Censorship REALLY sucks

Censorship is old. And it continues getting older. I'm sick of it.

Yes, I am a pansexual atheist on a Christian campus. I generally censor my opinions for others benefit, especially in conversation with people I don't know well, and unless I'm having a one-on-one chat with a friend, conversation including or within earshot of people I'm not close to is 100% guaranteed. So that's a lot of assuming Christian perspective when explaining why even though I love a show, I can't just assume my friends will or whatever other shallow conversation I can manage to have with people. My friends here that do I'm an atheist or pan or whatever portion of my story they know can and would tell you that I don't try to censor their beliefs or opinions or experiences just because I don't happen to share them.

On the flip side, as a female college student, I have an extra advantage. I can express myself through the dry erase boards or construction paper hung within my dorm's bathroom stalls.
Last year, the month before I'd started college, I was travelling overseas, and changing time zones had stressed my body enough that my period didn't even try to start. So when my next period was three days later than the earliest I had hoped for it, I wrote this comment anonymously on the dry-erase board in the stall: "If you're dating a transgirl, you can still get pregnant and then everyone would judge you." (If that had truly been the case, I would have been a pregnant, unmarried girl in a gay relationship, AND dating someone that is judged even more for who she is than the average gay person.) Within hours, my comment at the bottom of the whiteboard had been very cleanly erased. Let me make something clear. These were laminated posterboard. They NEVER erased as well as true dry-erase boards, and always smeared. I didn't care for long at that time because I hadn't seen a mass-erase smear yet, and because I soon made friends and quit feeling so vulnerable and alone.
This year. Different dorm, different PA, different decorations. This year, there is something different in each stall rather than a plain ol' whiteboard in each one. One of the ones I rarely visit has construction paper on the walls, a few markers sticky-tacked next to the paper, and a prompt "Write something you learned today." Well, I'm generally somewhere between female and androgynous, so one day I was feeling dysphoric, almost more about people's assumptions of my religion than people's assumptions of my gender, but sort of both. So I wrote in small letters in the corner of one of the four pages, in a color that did not stand out: "Even cis-people can feel dysphoric some days." I assumed that the words were small enough and the terms were uncommon enough that people who didn't know what they meant wouldn't care, people who did would know they were not alone, and anyone curious would look up the terms they didn't know and wonder or assume what some anonymous person on the floor was going through. It wasn't big and obnoxious like the word "PICCOLOS" which was written in huge letters across two of the sheets of paper (that single word doesn't even relate to the prompt as far as I can tell.) My comment was small and easy to miss. I know even broaching the idea of transgenderism is scary to people who have never dealt with it, but cis- is the rarely-used antonym of trans- so I didn't worry about it.
Apparently I should have. I came back today, and the door of the stall was wide open, so I wandered in, wondering if anyone had left any snarky comments, like they had on "PICCOLOS" (including the jibe "are never in tune?"). I had to search for my comment and I finally realized there was a water mark around the words "people can" in the corner of the paper I'd written on. The four papers are taped in a square, I'd written in the bottom corner of one of the top papers. There was no water at all on the lower paper, and my comment was again very cleanly erased.

This is when I get mad. Roommates / best friends can call each other "poophead" and worse on the dry-erase boards and their banter not get erased for weeks or until the boards are full of comments and doodles. People can insult instruments - and by association the players of those instruments - and call them awful on construction paper. People can write (my paraphrase) "I'm super needy, but that's okay because god." But any time I legitimately try to "share my struggles" or start an anonymous conversation about real, complicated issues, I only get erased.
Silenced. That's how I felt when I first looked for comments on my "getting judged" note. That is especially how I feel now. I have proof that people are not just censoring obnoxious or negative comments. They don't even censor ones that target specific people on the floor. But my "people might go through..." (by which I definitely mean "I am going through...") comments ALWAYS get erased. Why? Because people don't want negativity on a board intended to be about interesting things? Fine. Then erase anything negative. Including "I am needy" and "certain musicians can't play music." Because it seems like trolling? Who the hell would come up with something like that to troll with? Do I pretend to be hurt for sympathy? No! If I was trolling, I'd come up with something intended to insult someone else. I can't figure out how my comment could come across as insulting. And besides, other people were doing some insulting un-erased.

I have come to a conclusion that has two options. There is either something magical about me, or something magical about transgenderism that people single out comments, and hate or fear the idea enough to censor. I know it is more likely to be transgenderism, but it really feels like I'm being singled out.
Censoring transgender issues is selfish, shallow, and ultimately self-defeating. I have met someone ON CAMPUS who, like my girlfriend, was identified as male at birth, but strongly thinks of herself as female. I (generally) only indirectly deal with trans issues, but I KNOW I'm not the only one. It is a valuable dialog to start on campus. I am not bold enough to connect my name with starting the discussion, but why erase it? Why hide?

I suspect PAs in both cases, particularly the latter. Who else would feel the need to moderate bathroom discussions? But the thought hurts. PAs (called RAs in some other colleges) have to take a leadership class before they get assigned to a dorm and wing, and are expected to be welcoming and accepting and someone you can talk to. By the end of the year, I did truly get that safe-person vibe from my PA. This year, my two PAs are enthusiastic and outgoing, but neither one has ever attempted to make conversation with me deeper than "tell me about your family" or "hey, Kara, how's it going?" (At least they know my name.)

I'm just not sure how to react. I could write my controversial opinions bigger. I could write on the walls. I could find myself paintpens and write obnoxious things deliberately. A good friend who heard my preliminary rant before writing this post, suggested censoring other negative things to even it out. I am now tempted to fill my pot with water, soak all four papers in one go, and come back two hours later to write "how does censorship feel now?" and probably more mean things depending on how much I let my anger fizzle.

Yes, I know my other blog is dedicated to the times I can redirect annoyance into amusement. Christianity I can laugh at, no matter how judgmental the christian or the preaching I hear. Censorship infuriates me. I tolerate people and lifestyles and opinions and beliefs, but I draw the line at censorship. Tell me I'm wrong or misguided or sinful or whatever you want to say as much as you want, but I need to have a voice too. And so does everyone else, regardless of how small the minority they represent.