I should, but I'm not. I can't quite focus on homework because I'm antsy and upset. (and tired, but that's beside the point.) So you wonderful, patient readers get another dose of ranting-Kara. Much less angry than last time.
I don't know what it is, but I've been feeling very alone lately. Okay. That's misleading. I know exactly what the problem is. I'm a pansexual girl in a conservative environment with an eroded support structure.
Because seriously, what support do I have? Well, there's a not-quite gay-straight alliance here, and even though the structure and community within that group is comforting and very safe-place-ish. But that meets infrequently, and I don't know anyone from there enough to contact them and suggest hanging out. I mean, I've basically just met the group once. I have a few friends from at home, but only about two of them that I'm close enough to that we keep in contact now that I'm at college, and both consistently take weeks to respond to messages I send because they're at least as busy as I am, and presumably not desperate for friendly human contact. I text Kat about everything, of course, but she's usually (rightfully) stressed about her own life issues. Workplace stress, family issues... It's not as cathartic as I'd like when I can vent to her because then I feel guilty when she becomes sympathetically stressed about my issues as well as her own. Besides, all our commiserating eventually degenerates into "I miss you!" which adds yet more negativity. Long term relationships are such fun like that...
Other people who promise to listen and not judge (online, where I can be anonymous and spill everything that's bothering me, hopefully to a sympathetic audience, but able to cut my losses if I'm unlucky) still wind up preaching at me, and when I bring up examples, I only seem to get comments on "that logic got lost between Point A and Point B" or "that metaphor isn't valid," which sure feels like I'm being judged. I would probably grudgingly accept specific things pointed out, like where the logic got sidetracked, or reflections on specific comments. But that vagueness feels like a thinly disguised, "you're wrong and I'm trying hard not to tell you straight up that you're wrong because I don't want to seem mean." Yes, my school offers free counseling to students, and we have been assured that we can talk about little issues or big ones, they're there to listen and help. But I still can't get past the fact that I will be defined by my problems. Going to a counselor implies problems, the focus is fixing problems, and they don't know me outside the context of my problems. I just don't like the idea of that, even if a counselor might be a good listener. They're not my peers, so it would be much harder to develop a sort of friendship where we hang out and respect each other outside the context of a counselor-counselee relationship. I'm also not sure I want to hear or follow the advice I'm likely to be given at a Christian counseling center, which will boil down to "how can we convince you to be straight so it's not a problem?"
What I really need is someone here to trust and be truly close to. Someone to whom I can rant and feel listened to, who can give me a hug when the world is unfair. But I don't trust people enough yet. Even when I trust them to be honest or consistent, I don't trust them not to freak out if I come out or admit to other issues, which I certainly have. Who doesn't? The one person I semi-came out to (I said I was bi, since that's a more commonly understood term) needed a while to accept it. Days later, she was finally confident enough to ask awkward questions like "you don't... like me, do you?" I don't want to burden her with my problems, since a simple coming out was rough enough. And I suspect a lot of people here will respond the same way at best.
Have I missed anyone? Who am I supposed to turn to? I mean, I've got you blog readers, and I can feel like I'm telling the world and imagine any number of sympathetic replies, but in reality, probably four people will read this all the way through, maybe one will be truly upset on my behalf, and no one will comment or teleport here to give me that hug.
~LonelyKaraIsAlone
Yes, by the way, I know I chose to be here. I love my college. It's just like any other part of life: good and bad, and the bad gets more publicity than the good.
2012/09/27
2012/09/11
Watch Your Words... They Matter More Than You Think
May I rant for a moment?
...Well, it's my blog, so get over it.
I know it's been a while since I've posted. I've been out of town and busy, and all sorts of lame excuses. Oh yeah, and packing for college.
ANYWAY. I'm at college now *insert chorus of cheers and groans* and I actually like it. Mostly. See, my issue is I came to a private Christian college. I came here, knowing their stance on homosexuality parallels my mother's, fortunately with disapproval more than hatred. I would say the standard loosened, except I had to sign a "covenant" that, among other things, I would not participate in "homosexual behavior." So it's a little strict, but not cruel with an anti-gay attitude. Whatever. Kat being transgender, I can stretch the truth and still say I have a boyfriend, so no one has come after me yet. She tolerates it. We survive. No one's hateful, so I thought.
And I got proven wrong. I was looking forward to the topics covered in Foundations of Christian Thought throughout the year because the teacher promised we would look into Christianity as a worldview and examine it for flaws, not just examine the others and point out their flaws. So I know it's not extremely, irrevocably biased. This is the class that has a discussion group associated with it to really get us thinking about what's being taught, so it sinks in, and we can similarly judge other worldviews than the ones we talk explicitly about in class. It sounds like a fantastic premise, right? Right. The premise is fine. The class is interesting, sorta. We have to read novels for it, starting with one I already knew I liked by C.S. Lewis.
The teacher, though, has been dropping homophobic comments in all the classes I've been to, all semester. Not the first one, where we watched a video of him introducing himself and got out half an hour early, but all three of the full-length classes. Today's was the worst, the most direct, when he finished a tangent with "... And when you learn about the problems in a gay person's brain, you can be sympathetic." Excuse me? The problems with my brain? My mother might have accused me of being slightly autistic, but that problem has NOTHING to do with my being pansexual. There is NOTHING wrong with my brain. This teacher is a homophobic idiot who doesn't realize that he might be insulting a student or someone close to them when he says such things. Even before I admitted I liked girls on occasion, some of my funniest, best-to-hang-around friends were gay. My best friend likes girls more than guys. I would have gotten uncomfortable on their behalf because of that statement, even if I was comfortably straight.
The problem with him insulting me is that I am far less inclined to take him seriously. He exaggerated his example of how worldviews can be more right or more wrong than others (a 14 year old wanting to go to prom with a 60-year old purple-faced axe-murderer, and her mother being concerned about the pairing) so that no one would be offended ("I resemble that remark"); why would he choose such a modern example of a "problem" to have, when it's already controversial in the world?
That's the issue, isn't it? "In the world." We're wanting to be better than the world, we're starting with the assumption that all other people are wrong, even if we're not as extreme as the Amish at avoiding them. And since that covenant prohibits "homosexual behavior," obviously, no one at the school would lie or ignore it and be a closet homosexual. That's just beyond imagining. *gag* I think it's commonly understood that no one takes it as a strict set of rules. To quote multiple people from Pirates of the Caribbean, "they're more like guidelines than actual rules."
Maybe I'm overreacting. After all, a "one-minute paper" I had to write this morning was about that same covenant, and what, if anything, I would change. I went off on that same phrase, "homosexual behavior," tried to describe this video and came out to whoever happens to read my "paper" for on-subject-ness with the line "I am somewhere between bi- and pansexual, and since I don't choose to occasionally crush on girls, I hate having to deny it and fear judgment." I have no clue who, if anyone, will read it in detail, or if they will read the whole thing and come across that near the end (I wrote half a page; which is a lot more than the sentence or two most people write) so I was feeling very vulnerable about my sexuality already today. Perhaps it was just bad luck; a bad day for him to make such a directly derogatory statement, but that can't be changed now. I'm feeling insulted, angry, and rebellious. He may never know how badly I reacted to a, perhaps innocently intended, statement. But I will be critically analyzing every word he says for the rest of the semester. I'll be cautious. I'll be hesitant to believe anything he says without proof.
...Unfortunately, I will not directly express my rebellion, because I like to keep good grades, and I logically know I'll be even more pissed if I fail the class, lose scholarship money, (and still have to take it AGAIN because he's the only teacher of all the sections of that class, and it's required) just because I tried to boycott the class. I'd be the only one, so it would just be skipping, and I would only hurt myself. The logical half of my brain serves me well, even though it limits my options for expressing my disdain. But I've heard something about "course evaluations," which come at the end of semesters (and halfway through for the half-semester courses.) I don't know how they work, or what sort of questions are asked. But if there's any free-form space on the evaluation, I intend to be scathing, particularly if he continues making homophobic remarks EVERY SINGLE CLASS.
And in case he ever does stumble across my ranting and realize it's about him, I just want to ask: There's nothing wrong with my brain, so what other "facts" have you assumed and made up?
~Your absentee author, a furious Kara.
EDIT: Some afterthoughts.
You know, the teacher wasn't specifically homophobic today (9/13/12) but I was realizing. You know how a lot of people say homophobia is rooted in many homophobes' latent homosexuality, and they don't want gay people to "turn them gay"? Well, I'm sure there's a lot of religion mixed in as well, in this case; I'm certainly not accusing him of being a closet gay, but the theory isn't entirely off. When the teacher was talking about human purpose today, whenever his examples required caring what others thought about you, all of his examples were from the female perspective. (The best example is paraphrased here for you) "A declaration of worth depends on who says you're worthwhile. If you're at college and everyone avoids you and no one will talk to you and you call home and say 'Everybody hates me,' and your mom says 'oh, that's okay, sweetie. I love you,' it doesn't cheer you up much. But if those cute boys like you, well, that's a different matter."
Habitually, though, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. He's married, so he can't even seem to be interested in young college women in their prime, not even for such examples, or else he might have a jealous, worried wife to come home to..?
...Well, it's my blog, so get over it.
I know it's been a while since I've posted. I've been out of town and busy, and all sorts of lame excuses. Oh yeah, and packing for college.
ANYWAY. I'm at college now *insert chorus of cheers and groans* and I actually like it. Mostly. See, my issue is I came to a private Christian college. I came here, knowing their stance on homosexuality parallels my mother's, fortunately with disapproval more than hatred. I would say the standard loosened, except I had to sign a "covenant" that, among other things, I would not participate in "homosexual behavior." So it's a little strict, but not cruel with an anti-gay attitude. Whatever. Kat being transgender, I can stretch the truth and still say I have a boyfriend, so no one has come after me yet. She tolerates it. We survive. No one's hateful, so I thought.
And I got proven wrong. I was looking forward to the topics covered in Foundations of Christian Thought throughout the year because the teacher promised we would look into Christianity as a worldview and examine it for flaws, not just examine the others and point out their flaws. So I know it's not extremely, irrevocably biased. This is the class that has a discussion group associated with it to really get us thinking about what's being taught, so it sinks in, and we can similarly judge other worldviews than the ones we talk explicitly about in class. It sounds like a fantastic premise, right? Right. The premise is fine. The class is interesting, sorta. We have to read novels for it, starting with one I already knew I liked by C.S. Lewis.
The teacher, though, has been dropping homophobic comments in all the classes I've been to, all semester. Not the first one, where we watched a video of him introducing himself and got out half an hour early, but all three of the full-length classes. Today's was the worst, the most direct, when he finished a tangent with "... And when you learn about the problems in a gay person's brain, you can be sympathetic." Excuse me? The problems with my brain? My mother might have accused me of being slightly autistic, but that problem has NOTHING to do with my being pansexual. There is NOTHING wrong with my brain. This teacher is a homophobic idiot who doesn't realize that he might be insulting a student or someone close to them when he says such things. Even before I admitted I liked girls on occasion, some of my funniest, best-to-hang-around friends were gay. My best friend likes girls more than guys. I would have gotten uncomfortable on their behalf because of that statement, even if I was comfortably straight.
The problem with him insulting me is that I am far less inclined to take him seriously. He exaggerated his example of how worldviews can be more right or more wrong than others (a 14 year old wanting to go to prom with a 60-year old purple-faced axe-murderer, and her mother being concerned about the pairing) so that no one would be offended ("I resemble that remark"); why would he choose such a modern example of a "problem" to have, when it's already controversial in the world?
That's the issue, isn't it? "In the world." We're wanting to be better than the world, we're starting with the assumption that all other people are wrong, even if we're not as extreme as the Amish at avoiding them. And since that covenant prohibits "homosexual behavior," obviously, no one at the school would lie or ignore it and be a closet homosexual. That's just beyond imagining. *gag* I think it's commonly understood that no one takes it as a strict set of rules. To quote multiple people from Pirates of the Caribbean, "they're more like guidelines than actual rules."
Maybe I'm overreacting. After all, a "one-minute paper" I had to write this morning was about that same covenant, and what, if anything, I would change. I went off on that same phrase, "homosexual behavior," tried to describe this video and came out to whoever happens to read my "paper" for on-subject-ness with the line "I am somewhere between bi- and pansexual, and since I don't choose to occasionally crush on girls, I hate having to deny it and fear judgment." I have no clue who, if anyone, will read it in detail, or if they will read the whole thing and come across that near the end (I wrote half a page; which is a lot more than the sentence or two most people write) so I was feeling very vulnerable about my sexuality already today. Perhaps it was just bad luck; a bad day for him to make such a directly derogatory statement, but that can't be changed now. I'm feeling insulted, angry, and rebellious. He may never know how badly I reacted to a, perhaps innocently intended, statement. But I will be critically analyzing every word he says for the rest of the semester. I'll be cautious. I'll be hesitant to believe anything he says without proof.
...Unfortunately, I will not directly express my rebellion, because I like to keep good grades, and I logically know I'll be even more pissed if I fail the class, lose scholarship money, (and still have to take it AGAIN because he's the only teacher of all the sections of that class, and it's required) just because I tried to boycott the class. I'd be the only one, so it would just be skipping, and I would only hurt myself. The logical half of my brain serves me well, even though it limits my options for expressing my disdain. But I've heard something about "course evaluations," which come at the end of semesters (and halfway through for the half-semester courses.) I don't know how they work, or what sort of questions are asked. But if there's any free-form space on the evaluation, I intend to be scathing, particularly if he continues making homophobic remarks EVERY SINGLE CLASS.
And in case he ever does stumble across my ranting and realize it's about him, I just want to ask: There's nothing wrong with my brain, so what other "facts" have you assumed and made up?
~Your absentee author, a furious Kara.
EDIT: Some afterthoughts.
You know, the teacher wasn't specifically homophobic today (9/13/12) but I was realizing. You know how a lot of people say homophobia is rooted in many homophobes' latent homosexuality, and they don't want gay people to "turn them gay"? Well, I'm sure there's a lot of religion mixed in as well, in this case; I'm certainly not accusing him of being a closet gay, but the theory isn't entirely off. When the teacher was talking about human purpose today, whenever his examples required caring what others thought about you, all of his examples were from the female perspective. (The best example is paraphrased here for you) "A declaration of worth depends on who says you're worthwhile. If you're at college and everyone avoids you and no one will talk to you and you call home and say 'Everybody hates me,' and your mom says 'oh, that's okay, sweetie. I love you,' it doesn't cheer you up much. But if those cute boys like you, well, that's a different matter."
Habitually, though, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. He's married, so he can't even seem to be interested in young college women in their prime, not even for such examples, or else he might have a jealous, worried wife to come home to..?
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