Dear Dad:
Did you ever stop to think for a moment that it was you that taught me to be who I am? That you were the one who preached acceptance, and showed me to accept everyone - except those who hurt others? That you were the one who taught me that anger DID get the job done, and proved it on several occasions - especially here, right at home?
Did you ever stop to think that maybe I'm beyond tired of you yelling and screaming at me for sometimes doing things like you - because you're the one who taught me to do it that way?
Did you ever stop to think that MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS WAY? That maybe I'd rather just be some regular guy who DIDN'T care about everything so much? And that I wish SO HARD EVERY FREAKING DAY that it wouldn't affect me? Or that maybe - just maybe - I wish I wasn't a girl trapped inside of a male's body, having to fight EVERY SINGLE DAY not to want to DIE?
I fight as hard as I do because you showed me for a long time that if you want something, you have to fight for it. I thought that maybe you really did care about others and who they were, and that maybe, just maybe, you'd be willing to fight for them. I thought that you had tried to BREAK the cycle of what basically amounts to mental abuse in this family - by caring about us, and NOT doing it. Except that, looking back, I was wrong. You haven't broken the cycle. You've continued it. And you're continuing it even now.
I should not be sitting here writing this, crying so hard I can barely see the screen through the tears, because of you. Not when you tried to teach me what was right from wrong - and now you're just violating it.
I can't even have a civil fucking conversation with you because whenever I try to speak on something that's even remotely "hot", you just yell at me until I shut up and back down. And then when I sit there, looking you in the eye, listening to you, you say that I'm giving you attitude? No, old man. That is not attitude. That is a feeling of betrayal that you're seeing. You yell at me to grow up, and not be angry with things, because it doesn't do any good. Yet you're yelling. About not yelling - and not being angry. Something is wrong here. I hesitate to call you a hypocrite because it seems harsh, but you know what? It's true. You're being one. You've been one for a long time. And somehow, it's rubbed off on me - because I don't see it as wrong as I know that I should. I am a hypocrite too often, because it doesn't register in me nearly as fast as it should that I am being one. And the only reason I can think of that would cause that is that you have done it for so long that it passed on. I am trying to break myself of being a hypocrite, did you know? Of course you don't, because you don't bother to pay attention.
I want family time, where I don't have to worry about anything. Where I don't have to worry about what I wear, or what you will say, or what I say in front of you. I want to be open with you, and to NOT be angry. To NOT have to fight about stupid things, because you're being an ass about it.
Today, I call something bullshit, and you instantly bark at me to get the anger out of my voice. When I try to counter a little bit later with something, you fly off the handle and go rage-mode on me about anger - how it doesn't do anything. I'm sorry? Um? Your anger has pushed me over the edge. I've been teetering for the past three days - since Wednesday night - on that precarious edge, trying to BACK DOWN and force myself to calm out, but you really did push me over this time. And when I walked away to keep from being pushed over the edge the first time, you yelled at me to come back out there, so I did after another couple minutes. I sat down and started to eat the food that I had made while you were raging on me earlier, and you start in again on me. All soft like, almost as if you were trying to be civil, then you go ballistic. Again. About how I'm supposedly taking my anger out on you guys, about how I'm abusing YOU with it. And then telling me that I can shove my "attitude" up my ass, and I can get out if I don't - going to leave me homeless, huh? Thanks - and that you don't want to hear my "pissy crying". You want to know what put me over the edge? That abuse. Telling me that my pain and hurt was just pissy crying that doesn't matter, and that I am the one abusing you and mom. What...?
I'm sorry that you grew up with parents that gave you mental hell. I really, truly am. I'm sorry that you feel like you're being constantly abused by everybody else, and that you have to feel others' emotions too. I'm sorry that your job is hard, and that your bosses are assholes.
You know what? Grow up, old man. Realize that this is reality. Things aren't easy - and they aren't getting any easier. Yes, bosses are assholes. They had to climb up a slippery ladder and stab everybody else in the back to get where they are, in almost every case. So I'm sorry that you have to deal with that. But it's reality. You want me to deal with it? How 'bouts you deal with it too?
You have made me afraid to have my own children, for fear that I will do to them what you have done to me. Fear that I won't be able to raise them well without mentally hurting them - probably permanently - in the process. Fear that the only way to raise a good kid is... through fear. How fucked up is that? I kind of wonder if you even want grandchildren, because of the way you act towards your children.
I wish so badly that I didn't have to write this, but I don't know how else to say it, and I feel like I will explode if I don't get this out there. It hurts, old man. It hurts, a lot.
Hey, Dad. You want to know what the worst part is? You probably wouldn't want to know, but I'll say it anyway. It's the fact that I can never tell you any of this, and can never really tell you how it feels. And just how much it hurts. I love you, I really do. But right now... I hate you for what you do, as well.
Please... Please, just lay off me.
Love,
Your.... older child.
(I'm sorry that I had to put this here, but I don't know where else to put it. I know there have been a lot of "personal" posts up here lately, but it is a personal blog on top of other things... I'll see you guys later - don't hate me too much for this one. Until next time. Peace.)
