Moving 2

I have completely moved out. First time I've ever moved, and it's out of my parents' house and in with my best friend and girlfriend... Feels so very weird. I moved almost everything Thursday morning, and then Mom gave me some more stuff yesterday evening when I went out to dinner with them. Kitchen utensils, pots, pans, silverware... A bunch of old camping stuff. A few blankets, 'cause we needed them. Few other things. It felt so weird. The entire time we were doing it, I was fighting tears, because that's when it really began to hit: I am actually out. I don't live with them anymore.

But most importantly? I'm FREE. I can go WHERE I want. I can go WHEN I want. It doesn't matter what time of day or night it is. 'Course, have to stay safe, but still... I'm free to dress how I wish in the house, and when I leave the house, I can wear my flats and not have to worry about taking my boots so that my parents don't see me like I am.

Anyway. Thursday was pretty crazy. Got up, finished packing a last few things, then wandered the house until my girlfriend and the woman she'd been staying with arrived. My second Mom arrived a few minutes later, and I started loading everything I'd moved to my living room into her van. Thank goodness for that van... I managed to move all of my stuff in one trip. Nine boxes, various sizes, plus a fairly large desk and desk chair. The woman my girlfriend was staying with offered us the use of her car for the day, so long as she got to class on time, which I took her up on, and highly appreciate. We got my dresser and some other stuff from one of my best friend's house, picked up my girlfriend's cats, and then that was it, we went to the apartment. We made it earlier than originally planned, and actually signed the lease early. After doing a walk-through of the apartment, I started moving all my stuff in. My best friend (other roommate) was sick at that point, so could not help, and actually didn't stay with us the first night. After a hectic afternoon of moving everything, I took the car back to our friend, and she brought me back here. At this point, the cable internet installer was here, and he got us set up. My (second) mom left, he left, and I was alone. My girlfriend was at work, best friend was at his parents' house... things felt so very weird.

Homesickness started to kick in.

The only way to solve this: Work. My body was already hurting, but I got to it anyway. Put my desk chair back together, then started putting my desk together. Once it was together, my computer went up, and things started to feel like home. Still a weird feeling, but one I could deal with more so. Helped a little bit when my girlfriend got back with a few things - like an air mattress. >_> Slept. Friday was a long day, but survived it. That evening, my second mom and sister brought me back here and my sis got to see the place. That night, our roommate moved in. He and I were up until 02.30, 03.00 range putting his bed together and getting some groceries. Ah, ramen, poor person's food... Oh well. It'll work. Saturday, I went to visit my Aunt and Uncle, who I now live right up the road from, and then went out to dinner with my parents that night. None of the topics I'd been worried about really came up, which made the night much more enjoyable. Mom then gave me a bunch of stuff (talked about at first), and she and my blood sister got to see the apartment when they brought me back.

After they left, my girlfriend and best friend got back within a few seconds, and after several minutes, I finally lost it and broke down crying in front of them. This, of course, led to the chorus of "are you okay"s... I actually WAS okay. It was mainly just stress bleeding off and the realisations that everything had changed. The rest of the evening and Sunday passed quietly, and I managed to get my router set up and our wireless online. It took cloning the MAC from the original router, because for some reason, they lock to the MACs of routers. Sorry, that makes little to no sense to me, except from a business perspective of "lock everyone out". Oh well. If you ever go wardriving and see the name 'Serenity,' you might just have found us.

Monday, did my normal stuff, and that evening, my roommate and I went downtown to a coffee shop. It's been a while since I've worn a suit, so I decided to last night. All black except my tie, and then black leather gloves and my black fedora. Decided that last night was going to be a very "male" night for me. I took all my recording gear with me just in case, because I had hopes that a friend would be able to play. That didn't pan out, but my roommate and a friend of his hacked around on a synthesiser, which I did some recording with. Of course, being the nerds my roommate and I are, he has an Android tablet with a drum pad on it, which we plugged in and recorded with the synth lines. Definitely a fair amount of fun, and we got a few minutes of audio out of it, plus a rather hilarious sound byte from a girl who (not knowing I was recording) said something to her friend. A minor bit of editing later and we had a hilarious line. Might post it at some point, we'll see. Had a fun rest of the night, and met a lot of cool people, plus hung out with a few older friends. At the end, one of the guys looked at me and said, "You should hang out with us more." Made me reel slightly on the inside, but I'm not complaining. Pretty awesome that I was asked to do that.

When we got back to the house, my girlfriend scared the shit out of me by opening the door as I was reaching for the handle, but oh well... Soon, we're going to have to go by storage and get her boxes, start sorting through them. I desperately need more hangars - I have a lot of clothes - and she's going to need them too. We need a lot. Currently, our living room (where my desk is) has a few boxes in it, plus parts of a dead desk, and musical gear. We desperately need some more furniture - couch, chairs, maybe a table... We've been eating in our rooms or at my desk, depending. My chair is still the only chair in the house, which leaves just the beds to sit on. We desperately need to remedy the furniture situation! And a few other situations... But anyways.

I will be glad when I can get some of the stress off my plate. Get a job closer to here (preferably within walking distance), and stop having to worry about my other job. It is too much stress, especially without my own vehicle. Get through the first couple months here, actually start building up some buffers, get some real food. Things will get better though, as I keep having to tell a friend of mine... They will get better. Somehow. Someway. We will survive this.

Peace.

Moving, IDs, and Being in Public

We are moving. Almost all of the important documents have been signed. Electricity is being turned on sometime today (the 21st), and we move in TOMORROW! I'm extremely excited, in all ways and colors of the rainbow. (No, it doesn't make sense - oh well, I'm too tired and hyper for it to matter to me.) The afternoon we move in, I'm going to be stuck at the apartment waiting for the cable person to get there so that we can get internet in there. But once they're done, we'll have internet! No TV though, which means no NCIS yet... Bah humbug. I don't like watching live TV anyway.

Most of my stuff is now packed in boxes. I currently have five, with random stuff in them - it's all organised in my head! The majority of what I haven't packed yet is clothing, and my personal important papers... One file box, and I have an as-of-yet unfilled file cabinet I plan to start using really soon. Need to break down some of my shelving to move with me. I'm not taking a lot of things though - my bed, my (smaller) desk, and a fair amount of my stuff is staying here, at my parent's house. One of the things I have yet to do - and need to do at some point soon - is clean out my old school stuff that's sitting in the top of my closet. Up there is also stuff from exes and other junk.... More stuff to be cleaned out.

Something that comes along with a move, and therefore a change of address, is a new ID. Driver's License in mine and my other roommate's case, and ID in my girlfriend's case. Yet again, when I go in there, my shiny new License will state that I am a Male. That's gonna drive me nuts, of all the things involved with this move... Not to mention the twelve bucks per person. That's just stupid. Oh well... There's no spot on an ID of any sort, issued by the government, to state who you truly are. No "Androgynous" mark instead of Male or Female... This is the government for you though - everything is in black and white. Blah. Maybe, some day, this shit won't matter anymore, and we can be who we want. Hey, I can hope, right?

This morning, I took my girlfriend to work. Before dropping her off, we went to McDonald's to grab some quick food. (Quick it is - in and out of your stomach before you leave the restaurant! Anyways...) Instead of wearing a t-shirt this morning, I decided to wear my short(ish) dress and blue jeans out. Threw a real t-shirt in my bag, but with no intentions of putting it on unless I had to deal with my blood family. I'm doing everything I can to keep my body hair-less (face, arms, legs, chest, etc), but it isn't greatly easy. For instance, my upper arms still have some fuzz on them. Fortunately, it's peach fuzz, not regular hairs... I got a lot of weird looks in the restaurant though. People staring, adults and children alike, and it made me laugh inside. In a way, it feels oddly liberating, being like that, taking it in stride. Having acted for several years helps with that - it's like stage fright, only a thousand times worse. Acting barely made it possible to keep from wanting to crawl under a rock and hide for forever. The odd part was that I wanted to laugh at all these people for staring at me, as if I was some circus freak. (Let's just say I'm not passing very well right now! One day, though, I will... One day.) For the rest of the day, except a few hours in the middle, I wore my dress and jeans, although I wasn't really out in public. Mainly with people I trusted. I need to clean up a little more, and then go back out. See how many more weird looks I can get.

The part that has me a little worried, and several others worried, is my safety. There was a story recently of a Transgender woman beaten up in a McDonald's, and for a little while there, I was afraid the person who had committed this horrible crime wasn't going to take any heat. She did though, and I can only hope somebody decides to repay her for what she did... That story gave me a little scare for myself, but having taken ten years of martial arts really helps me in that area. If somebody decides to take a swing at me, I know what to do, and will do it. Not to mention, most of what I carry on my body can be used as an improvised weapon... Working in IT means I carry a multitool and a second pocket knife on me everywhere I go, plus a small mag-lite. Mag-lites hurt when they impact one's head or other body parts! I am prepared, which is why I can go out with a little less fear for my own safety. I know there are people out there who might still come after me, but in this day and age... I can and will defend myself.

I can only hope one day that I won't need to, whoever I may be...

Good night and peace.

Life happens

Been a while since I've done any kind of blogging...

Who am I? I don't really know. I do know, though:
-I'm nineteen. Almost twenty.
-I have a bi-sexual girlfriend. She's awesome, and puts up with me.
-I have the body of a male.
-I am Bi+Gender (and therefore a subset of Androgynous).
-I'm moving out of my parents' house soon.
-I'm a grammar "nazi". (I judge you when you use bad grammar!) [The one part of this language that tends to trip me up is the difference between who and whom.]
-I write. Whenever I have the chance.
-My life lies in technology and music.
-I am considering becoming a truck driver.
-I have a small group of friends, but they are the most awesome people.
-When it comes to family, I've got more "families" than any person should. Blood, and then non-blood.
-I am experimenting with some cross-dressing.

I'm not sure... But:.
-I think I can pull off looking female without any real gender change or use of hormones - my girlfriend says I need some make up to do it though. God, I hate that stuff. (One of my sisters asked if I had ever worn any - for the record - no.)
-Speaking of God. I am either Athiest... or Unitarian. (Maybe Humanist.) Still not sure.
-I think maybe moving to Louisville or Columbus would do me some good. I don't know.
-Still deciding whether technology really is what I want to go into as a career. Driving (a semi) would be fun.


For nineteen and a half years, I have lived as a male. But, over the past month and a half, maybe two months, my female side has been rearing her head. I've been subconsciously aware of the fact that I'm not totally male for the past, oh... Probably four years? My Sophomore year of High School (I'm in my second year of college now, didn't skip any years) was when I think it finally clicked. That was after almost two years of occasional research (mainly when the parents were out of the house and I could actually access the computer - and figure out how to keep them from seeing my search history!). My initial spat of research indicated that I was mostly androgynous - that is to say, neither male nor female... or... female and male at the same time. I decided I was definitely "both", because I exhibited traits of both sides. At that point, I didn't tell anybody about any of it, because a lot of said research indicated that being androgynous was socially taboo - as much so as being gay, lesbian, or bisexual. This rather frustrated me, as it was pretty much impossible to express exactly who I was.

After only a year or so of not acting on any of the instincts / urges, I found out about SecondLife (Yes, it's awesome. No, I'm not trying to advertise it). In world, I was able to be who I wanted, when I wanted. I went in as a girl, underage, but people thought I was at or above age, citing my "maturity". They didn't know who I was, what I was. This experience helped - and hindered - me. It helped in figuring out who I was in my head, and gave me some place to express myself without judgement. At the same time, it did the opposite, making me want to actually do more in real life, instead of on the computer. For three more years, I played in SL on and off, still not expressing myself in real life. To an extent, I wanted to try to express the female side, but at the same time, the logical portions of me said "HELL  NO." As those three years wore on, I got used to it, getting to the point where I was just fine with who I was.

Things changed finally. Once I was out of High School and into College, I got a real job, at a small IT firm. This lasted me about six months, after which I got so fed up with the stress that I quit. After quitting, everything changed (hate being stereotypical, but hey, it works) - again. I had the freedom I needed to explore more, and I found somebody who was not just willing to, but encouraged and helped me with this exploration. This brings us to the present.

This is who I am.