2014/08/02

Open letter to Ms. Lindsay Leigh Bentley

Hey gang. I know it's been ages since I've posted. I've been busy, you know? And other than a few odd comments I've had the misfortune to overhear (e.g. "it's fine if you're gay, it's fine if you're straight, but bisexual people need to just pick one" so, since I'm gender-fluid, no one should ever date me?) nothing recently has brought up the issues I'm most familiar with in a way that I felt strongly enough I had to write about them.

But it turns out people have the most interesting misconceptions about being trans, and when they are applied, they go from interesting to oppressive. I recently read a blog post that was very nicely worded and yet, despite all the author did right, I still finished reading the post and felt as though this author misunderstands trans people and thinks we don't really exist, or maybe that, despite the fact trans people exist, we can't know ourselves that thoroughly until at least puberty (which, from my friends' collective experience, is the time that all issues related to being in the wrong body get exponentially worse.)

(Not familiar with the child she's referring to? Read this for a nice summary with the original video.)

As you can probably already tell based on my comments, I distinctly disagree with the conclusions that blog post led me to.

Funnily enough, my experience as a child isn't too different from this author's. I feel it may be helpful to share, and hopefully address the misunderstandings just as politely as they were presented.

Here goes: 
An open letter to Ms. Lindsay Leigh Bentley. 

Dear Lindsay,
I hope I can call you that. It's how you signed your blog post, after all.
So much of your post resonated with me. I grew up a self-proclaimed tomboy. Nearly all of my friends before 8th grade were male, and the girls I was friends with were from girl scout camp, where there was obviously no boys, but we were all the rough-and-tumble type at camp anyway so I often found kindred spirits to befriend.
It's interesting, given that I have since discovered myself as a gender-fluid individual, that I never questioned that I was female. I should note that I am the exception not the rule. Most trans people know their gender doesn't match their body from a very young age. I didn't figure myself out until after puberty. Of course, I only knew of two binary genders at the time but that's a conversation for another day.

In fact, in middle school, when we had to write a paper answering the question "do girls or boys have it easier?" I didn't even have to think. Obviously girls had it easier because it was okay if we had guy-friends or acted masculine. But it was social suicide for a boy in the lower grades to hang out with girls or act feminine. Girls had more freedom of expression, freedom to be ourselves. Clearly that was better. Now, as a less-naive adult, and versed in the language of feminism, I recognize that the "freedom" I thought I had was still rooted in sexism. Men can't be any less than masculine because that's weak. Girls are allowed to try to be stronger and less oppressed. Men do have "better, more successful" lives (in terms of more income and less harassment and similar standards) than women. But for young boys and girls, I still stand by that conclusion. Young girls, in general, have more freedom than young boys do, and freedom is not bad.

You enjoyed some of that freedom. So did I. You concluded that since you were a masculine child who was allowed to be yourself and wished to be a boy, and since you are just fine now, as a grown woman, that it is what? Cruel for Ryland's parents to let xem present as male and perhaps encourage xem to do so? I use the gender neutral pronouns in acknowledgement of your uncertainty of Ryland's gender. I'll admit, it's possible your experience was similar enough to Ryland's that your fear is justified. Perhaps, Ryland as a teen will have huge issues with transitioning hormonally when puberty should have "fixed" it and made xem a "normal" girl. Perhaps not. I think the balance is tipped far in the "unlikely" side, but your conclusion is still a possible reality.

I don't pretend to be an expert on your life, nor on Ryland's. I only know what your blog tells me about you and what the news tells me about Ryland. And of course, since I fall under the trans umbrella and I have many friends who are binary trans, I have learned etiquette regarding trans people and the process of transitioning, and the meaning of words.
My primary complaint with your blog post is actually the subtitle. You called yourself a male-identifying child. I suspect you used this after using context clues to guess what "identifying" meant in the context of gender identity. You described yourself as a masculine child who "wished" to be a boy. I cannot speak for all trans people, especially since I am a minority within the minority. However, what I consistently hear from my trans friends who identify as female (or male-to-female if you prefer) is not "I wanted to be a girl and now I've become one". What I hear is "I've always been a girl. Even when everyone told me otherwise I knew they were wrong. I'm glad everyone else can now see the girl I've always been."
That is what identifying is to trans people. It is not wishing. It is knowing. I hope you understand why such similar sounding statements are worlds apart in meaning.
I honestly don't know which category Ryland falls into. I only know what little the internet tells me about xir life. I have a solid guess which one describes your childhood based on your choice of words, but even so, I can't be certain from only one post. Essentially, I've just met you, after all.

Regardless, the difference between identifying and wishing is whether or not transition is appropriate. For someone who, with the definition I've just presented, identifies as something other than the gender they were assigned at birth, transition is appropriate. Those that wish they were another gender have consciously or unconsiously acknowledged their actual gender. Many trans people wish to be cisgender, wish that their minds match their bodies, wish that transition and social stigma aren't necessary for them. Transition can be expensive and no one chooses to be an outcast. Just like your wish to be male, the wish to be cisgender does not change the reality of anyone's existence.

My other complaint with your post has to do with etiquette. We may not know all the details of Ryland's life. We only know that the video says "he identifies as male." When you are told someone's identity, whether or not you believe it, it is polite to use the pronouns suggested by that identity. At the very least, don't use the opposite ones. Through your entire post, you called Ryland "she". That can very offensive, even though I can see you doubt how long xem "identifying" will last. Your words tell me you think xe is not really trans. When that assumption is applied to trans people in general, it is offensive. Treating trans people as though they are their assigned gender is called trans-erasure. It says you think they aren't really trans, and often it also says you think trans people don't exist. I don't know whether or not you believe trans people exist. But if someone told you that girls couldn't be masculine, so obviously you weren't a girl or you were never masculine, you would be offended too. You clearly exist as you are and with your exact history; it is that person's misinformed belief that girls can't be masculine. I hope you understand why erasure and misgendering are offensive, whether or not you believe trans people exist. No one likes to be told they don't exist or that their identity isn't valid.

I feel that I've been very negative, but I actually liked much of your post. For example, I appreciate that you understand that gender expression is not gender identity and does not relate to sexuality. You were perfectly capable of being a masculine child and still being a girl. It's perfectly possible for a male child or adult to be feminine and not a transgirl or transwoman. Sexuality really can't be known until puberty, when people become sexually aware, so "opposite gendered behaviors" in childhood don't reflect a child's future sexuality. You made these points in different words, and they are all very good. They do not enforce harmful stereotypes. You actually attacked the harmful stereotypes that bother me most. I love when people do that.

Finally, I would like to address the assumptions I have regarding Ryland, and why I believe xir parents are doing the right thing, since you and I came to different conclusions.
You remember how I explained "identifying" from a trans person's perspective, I hope. It's only been a few paragraphs, after all. Anyone now who feels strongly enough to look into transition has many resources online, support groups in person and on Facebook, and other places. In the internet age, it's easy to find other people who feel the same way you do who can explain the terms they all use and share their own stories. I trust that any parent who would be open minded enough to listen to their child say "I am not a [assigned gender]" despite what their eyes and the doctors tell them, would also be open minded enough to know they don't know everything and go looking for those answers and talk to real trans people about their experiences and struggles, and also to search out people like you and hear your story so they could recognize what isn't being trans and carefully determine whether or not the words and emotions are a phase or whether they will last. Some people say that it can only ever be a phase, but the collective experience of my trans friends says that statement is false.

Do I know that Ryland's parents are actually being that careful? Of course I don't know. I've never met them. But by virtue of them listening to their child and allowing xem to know xemself, I trust them to also listen to the voices that have gone through similar experiences.

You think it is cruel to force a girl to go through male puberty. I agree. But it is also cruel to force a boy to go through female puberty. If Ryland is male as xir parents claim (and unless you know the family personally, neither you nor I can talk to Ryland and judge the sincerity of xir identity for ourselves, so we have to trust xir parents' judgement) then transition now may be the safest option. The parents cannot enforce this transition at puberty without a doctor's assistance, to prescribe appropriate hormones. (Hormone blockers, to delay puberty in case Ryland is an early bloomer are likely to be prescribed already, but are also completely reversible, so I'm ignoring their existence for simplicity.)
Even if the parents are making a bad choice for their child, the doctors will double check it. A significant part of the process for anyone getting hormones to transition, regardless of age, is to talk to a psychologist one-on-one and have the psychologist write a letter of recommendation for hormones before they can ever be prescribed. Ryland will be a young teen by then, (xe won't need hormones until puberty after all) more than able to think and speak for xemself, and any psychologist knows more than I do about any problems likely to come from a prepubescent mind, and will take them into account before writing the letter.

For all of these reasons and more, I believe Ryland is in no danger of being forced into the wrong puberty. I would hesitate to put my own child in the same spotlight if they were transitioning at a young age, but that would be me projecting my own shyness onto my children and enforcing a better-safe-than-sorry policy because I believe it is best. No one seems to complain when parents teach or enforce safety-related beliefs over their children. Only when the parents teach other attitudes that are "too conservative" or "too liberal." Again, that's a thought for another day.

You are concerned for a child that is not your own. From the sound of it, you have raised your own with love and without enforcing restrictive stereotypes. That's fantastic. Keep up the good work. But a little advice, if I may. Don't worry about Ryland. You can't affect xir life, and even if you do, you are unlikely to know it. Don't stress about what you can't change. Keep loving the child(ren?) you have. Raise them well. I hope to do the same one day.

Best
~ Kara

(edited to get rid of that awful font. The joys of mobile blogging: my app that is best for typing has a weird font, and the Blogger app is too smart and keeps it. :P )

17 comments:

  1. Great article Kara! Really appreciate it.

    I think it's vital for people to understand the difference between gender expression, gender identity, and sexuality!

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    1. Hey Matthew. Glad to have you. Fun fact: you're the first commenter that I don't know in person.
      I'm glad you appreciated my explanation. Feel free to share with others if you think it useful.

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    2. If I identify as male, can I register for the selective service?

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  2. STFU Kara you hoar!

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  3. Great rebuttal. But as you rightly said, we should respect Ryland's identifying as a boy - therefore I would just have used him/he in this article - like he does! Loved your words, though!!

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    1. Identifying somebody with gender neutral pronouns is perfectly respectful. Don't know what somebody's gender is? Gender neutral is the best way to go.

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    2. It seems as if I'm tardy to the party, since this is from 2014, but I am still so glad that you addressed what were my exact thoughts. I am not transgender, but I was having the same feelings when reading Lindsey's post. It seems to me that Lindsey's parents allowed her to be who she was. I have no doubt that Ryland's parents, should Ryland decide that "she" was truly female, would have absolutely no problem with it. I love that they will let Ryland be Ryland, whether male or female. I love your kind and compassionate response. I love that we have have intelligent dialogue on this subject and hopefully make the world a better place, if not an easier place for all LGTBQ+s to live in. Thank you for your words.

      I have selected "Anonymous" because I don't feel like signing up for something. But I will sign my real name.

      Tracie Campbell

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  4. Katie, being mean in return doesn't often inspire people to listen to your criticism. Please try not to start a flame war on our blog.

    I would never ever call a human being "it". That is dehumanizing and cruel. If you don't like "xe", there are half a dozen other sets of gender neutral pronouns that people have invented, hoping they will catch on. "Xe" and "ze" are the most popular, but you might also hear "zie" or "ey" very commonly. I personally prefer "xe" pronouns for myself, so I used them here because I'm confident on how to spell them.
    If you don't like the newer invented pronouns, an acceptable alternative is a singular "they", which I avoid because I don't like having to explain to wannabe grammar nazis that singular "they" is not awful grammar. Shakespeare used it, and it's coming back into vogue to replace the clunky phrase "he or she" in instructions and other complex sentences referring to "everyone" or a similar grammatically-singular reference to a human or humans that doesn't mention gender.

    I know I could simply call Ryland "he" and avoid the issue of neutral pronouns, but an attitude I was addressing was one refusing to acknowledge Ryland as male, so rather than argue the point (and rather than concede it and use "she") I basically said "okay, let's conclude that we don't actually know this child's gender, since we disagree on what it is, and we'll let the conversation continue for now without needing to determine it".

    In my experience, it can be awkward to use or hear an unfamiliar pronoun, but it is better to be awkward than rude.

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  5. Thanks Kara! I appreciate your response. It's good to learn new things, as well.

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  6. I think that the correct definition in an up to date psychological sense of what is going on is important here. I think in some ways gender was misused here. And might help clarify issues for your readers. Biological sex is the body we were born into. Gender is our psychological identity as feminine or masculine, and is more often than not, seen as a fluid term. Some male-sex individuals feel they identify more with a feminine gender, a box our society puts people in, and can feel incredibly broken inside that the insides and outsides of themselves mismatch: identity crisis. It's a real and tough situation to be in, regardless of how much support you may or may not have.

    Reading both articles, I felt that perhaps you missed her biggest struggle that she faced. That Rylands parents are deciding before puberty to point one direction or not, instead of delaying hormones, to let Ryland as an individual make an educated decision. At such a young age our identity is still being formed. While yes, I don't see Rylands mind changing anytime soon, I think that the hope is that the parents respect whatever choice Ryland makes when the age comes and the understanding of the world is there and the raw implications for actions are laid out. I find both of your articles valid in some respects. But I think the key is to stay open minded, not to lash out, but to build eachother up as sitting members of a community that desperately need to stick together. Point out flaws gracefully, and with the understanding that the previous author might not be as educated in this topic. I think you did that in part, perhaps more grace next time, but you are you and you will make your own decisions as you see fit.

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  7. I really enjoyed your post. I really enjoyed both posts. Im not 100% sure whom I agree with more. However I suppose im not required to pick a side. Both you and lindsay make solid and valid points. I think I would need to do more research (I remember the original article in the back of my mind) to form a decisive opinion, but I would definitely suggest your posting as a companion piece to the people I know who are reading this article. :)

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  8. Wonderful! Thank you for helping to educate on this very important subject. Very well written. I too was "my dad's boy," had male friends, etc. But I clearly recognize I was not trans. I wish we could all be respectful of those things we do not fully understand, rather than passing judgement. Which sadlly the author claimed she was not here to do, and then did. Virtual hugs to you, Kara.

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  9. Thank you for this. I read Lindsay's post. I thought that it missed the mark, but I couldn't articulate (or maybe understand fully) why. I felt like there has to be a difference between being a tomboy and being a boy born into the wrong body. I felt like it would probably prevent a lot of struggle if people could just play with different toys instead of having to transition, if that was what she was suggesting. It's awesome that she raises her kid(s) to not care about "boy things" and "girl things." I just don't think gender and sex is as simple as that. But I'm the first to admit that I don't know a lot about this.

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  10. I thoroughly respect the way you addressed Lindsay's post. Yours very well-written and I believe will help educate the open-minded (I don't believe anyone could independently change a closed mind). I agree with you 100% and plan to share this with my friends and family who don't quite understand what it feels like to be transgendered. Much love and many thanks-

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  12. Thank you, thank you, thank you. A facebook friend of mine just linked to Lindsay's original article, which I read while groaning in exhaustion (I'm late to the party here, April 2016, apparently it's making the rounds again). Conflating gender stereotypes and sexuality and gender IDENTITY is just exhausting. It is really not that hard, people. Read something written by a trans or genderfluid person. Listen. Trust your fellow human. This "well I was a tomboy and I grew out of it!" narrative is offensive, not helpful at all. Thank you, thank you Kara for being so calm and collected and polite in your response to Lindsay, and educating all of us. It's people like you who make the world better. Keep on rocking it.

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