....?

(Warning, probably a lot of use of the word "fuck".)

I just want to curl up in a ball right now. So hurt and angry and just... fuck.

What is so fucking hard about accepting me for who I fucking well am? I am your child, mom. I always have been, and I always will be. Why can you not accept that I don't feel like I'm supposed to look the way I do? Why can't you accept that I am transgender? You say it is because of society, but that is such a bullshit answer. You and dad fucking TAUGHT me and your younger daughter to be accepting of everyone no matter what, yet here you are and you can't even fucking accept your own child for who they are - and not who they look like?

Fucking hell. I want to curl up and cry. I feel like I'm losing reality, and I don't have anything to grab hold of and hang on to. My desk doesn't even help.

Why me? Why do I have to be transgender? Why can't I just be the fucking son, why is my brain fucked up like this? I don't really give a whole lot of a shit about what most of society thinks - society as a whole are fucktards - but there are a few people I do care what they think. My immediate family? They're one of them. After twenty years of being basically preached to about acceptance of others, I'm not accepted simply because of... Because I feel wrong? Because I'm NOT male? Because I want to be a girl on the outside instead - and on the inside, am one?

We grew up on non-religious. We grew up with tolerance and acceptance of others drilled into us. So WHAT is different about me that you can't tolerate and accept me? Is it because it's not some nameless, faceless person - it's your own child? I just don't even know what to think anymore. What am I supposed to think about you, when you won't accept me?

I've been trying to get a real answer for three months about why you are so... what, hesitant to believe? don't think it's true? Three fucking months, and no real fucking answer yet. The only answer I've gotten so far from you, mom, was that you were raised in the catholic church and it was wrong there - and that it isn't accepted by society. And when I asked you tonight if that's why you didn't accept me - because society won't accept me as a whole - you deflected and just said that if I wanted to talk about it I had to talk to both you and dad at the same time. You've always been the one that I can come to with shit like this - and now, now... when I need your acceptance... I don't get it. Because of society - and your upbringing, which you have shaken? Something... Something does not make sense here.

I don't know what's so hard for you to realize. That this is REAL. That I'm not just making this up, that it's not just some perverse game. Will you believe it if the Psychiatrist says it's true? Then will you believe me? Will you accept me then?

Why do I have a feeling that you still won't accept me, even through that? What about this is so fucking hard? I am still your child! That isn't going to change! Why can't I be your daughter instead of your son though? We've all known for a long time that I'm not normal - in many different ways - and it's shown through the entire time I was growing up. We just didn't know to what extent the insanity ran.

Need a hug. Need Kara here. Something. Fighting tears and just... not in a good place.

There is no peace for me right now.

Help?