Rant 1

I want to rant, but I don't even know where to begin or what to say. It just feels so futile to even fight anymore, whatever it is I'm fighting for. 'Course, this probably has something to do with the job hunt, but I don't know... I also just finished reading the news on /., so that probably doesn't help... News just gets me down. Never really reporting on anything good, or happy out there. Where to start?

Yesterday, I called the General Manager at the place that I thought I had a good shot at getting the job at, only to find out that the position was either filled, or Corporate just said no. Or maybe that I'm not good enough. You know. Enough to just... I was so fucking close, and boom, nothing. Again. This whole search feels so bloody pointless, and it's even worse as of recent -- everybody seems to be hiring, but they aren't hiring me. Go figure, right?

Also yesterday, I went into the church. We recently started setting the stage (see what I did there?) to get live streaming functioning in our church - to stream a video and audio feed to the outside world, through the 'net. I put in a recommendation / proposal to the finance committee of the church, and have yet to hear anything back yet. On top of it, the church admin bought the camera the other day, and then yesterday, without even talking to me about it, promised our pastor that they would try to stream live Monday. Monday!! Okay. At best, our network is going to LAUGH AT THEM. At worst? It'll melt down the entire network and take a good chunk of our (admittedly shitty) computers with it. And then, as soon as I can talk to her about it, she gets another call, and she and the assistant pastor kick me out of the office for a conference call. This call lasted another forty five minutes before I just gave the hell up and left. When -- if -- they ping me on Monday, I'm probably just going to ignore it. I told them what we needed and what would happen, and I was ignored... And of course, I may still end up going in anyway. On top of the fact that our network can't handle it, I haven't had ANY time to work on setting up a computer to handle the broadcasting. How do they plan on streaming without a computer to broadcast? Not to mention, how are they planning on getting audio from the board to the broadcast computer? I already put in the report saying what we need to make it work. Has anybody listened? Nope. Speaking of everything feeling absolutely fraking futile. I wrote that report because I still know what I'm talking about more than anybody else who has stepped forward in that church. (That is to say - um, one other person knows anything close to me, and he still doesn't know much.)
/*Disclaimer: I am a networking major. I worked at an IT company for seven months, and before that, four years in a high school, doing a fuckton of work. When I say that I know what I'm talking about, I'm not saying that to sound egotistical - it's the simple fact when it comes to the church.*/
When Monday comes and everything just... completely fails? It isn't my fault. Don't blame me. I already told you guys what I know, and I'm pretty sure it's fraking accurate. In fact, I turned around and asked somebody who's been doing this for another twenty years longer than me, and he agreed with my findings!

Frak. Just frak. Is what I say just that... easily ignored?

I mentioned in my last blog, I believe, about being an empath, and the fact that I basically have lost one of the two people I can turn to. I talked to her again, later that night, through text - hell of a lot harder to convey anything across it, much less emotions. Didn't do... shit all good. Told her a situation, and just... blah. Didn't help at all. She just told me that I needed to learn to rely on myself for help. Um. Okay. Hold up a sec. WHATTHEFUCK. If I turned to her everytime I needed somebody to vent to, or to ask for help or advise, I'd call her at least once every couple days. No. I called her TWICE in a month because I needed her advise, or at least for her to listen to me, because I was freaking the frak out. Neither time did she return my call, or even ask what was wrong - instead, the second time, I get a text, a day and a half after I asked for her to talk to me, saying how she can't be there all the time, much less every day, and just... fuck. It hurts that I'm willing to drop everything for somebody who I consider to be a friend and who needs somebody to turn to, yet one of the people I thought I could turn to just... won't help. And the other has more than enough of her own problems, and she gets even less sleep than me. Which leaves me with nowhere to turn -- even the internet does no good. I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess I just care too fraking much about everyone. Yeah, that's.... perfect.

Something else that's been kind of getting to me lately -- I'm a Unitarian - or Humanist - whatever - who's working at a Methodist church. But I'm not doing it to serve god or jesus or whatever... I'm doing it to further myself as a tech - sound and audio wise - and to be able to be in a community of people, where I'm appreciated by at least some of them. The other day, my Pastor thanked me - on my Facebook wall - for my service. To a certain level, it's appreciated, and then on another level, it was majorly frustrating, because of the lurking thought that he was thanking me more for my service to "god" or whatever as opposed to the people of our community. I'm not doing what I do for some non-existent being, I'm doing it for the other people around me, and for my own further (professional and personal) development. Problem is.... The two grand we need to upgrade the systems like we need them is... going to barely be noticeable by the people I'm trying to "serve". At the same point, some people will appreciate it, because it'll make certain things possible that weren't before. Not to mention... who doesn't want a faster network? Not to mention, the ability to set up a guest network that anybody can connect to within the church? (Going to find a way to shut it down out of hours though.)

I know I mentioned it before, and you guys are probably tired of hearing about it, but I'm tired of having to hide, on top of everything. I have to hide who I am in the church - have to be this "masculine male dude" who isn't me. I can't be partially girl, because guess what, in the church.... That just isn't allowed. I wish it was. I wish so hard that I could just go my Pastor and say, "Man, I'm transgender. I want to start expressing that here," and it just not matter. Except if I did, I have a feeling I wouldn't be allowed to continue to go there, much less voluntarily "serve" in the position I currently do. And even if I was allowed to continue to go there, I somehow doubt anybody would actually welcome me. I'm currently opened with... well, mostly open arms, but if I became who I truly was in there, I somehow doubt it'd continue that way. And besides church, I have to hide from so many others. My own family, I can't really be who I am in front of my dad, because it disturbs him. Every time I go out in public, I'm not really worried about some random stranger noticing, but more along the lines of somebody I have to deal with and interact with consistently. For instance - Kara's parents. Or somebody from the church who I work with directly or know directly. Or even one of my (rather limited number of) extended family members here in town. It's stupid, it sucks.

Welcome to the hell that is my little piece of this shitty world.

On the bright side. Kara and I are going out for a bit tonight. It's something. Hopefully it'll help with this depression that's spurred most of this rant. Sorry it was so disjointed.

Until next time.

Peace.