They REALLY go to hell!
My (now-ex)girlfriend and I broke up last night. We realized over the past couple weeks that we were not working out with each other, and things came to a climax Saturday night. A lot of issues came up, and we were unable to work through them. Sunday, more issues came up, and once again, were not discussed. Finally, when she came home Monday early, early morning - after saying she'd be home Sunday night - it counted as the morning though - I attempted to discuss everything.
She'd already made up her mind, though. It was over to her. I'd been trying to deny to myself that that was what was probably going on, because, well, who wants a relationship to end like this? I can't say I was surprised, though - I knew it was coming, soon, because things just weren't working. I just hadn't expected it like this.
On another note, I probably won't have a cell phone soon. Joyous day.
As much as I knew it had been coming, it still hit hard, and I'm still in a bit of a funk. But I'm dealing. Fortunately, I'm spending the day with my sister and doing a few fun things. It helps. Went out to lunch with a group of tech kids from my high school, with whom my sister is close, and so I had a good long conversation about networking and Pokemon. Don't ask about the second. Turns out one of the kids that was with us is one of the school's networking techs, under my old mentor. Was good conversation.
For the past couple weeks, I've been talking with my parents about moving out, and planning it in my head - a tentative date for middle of January. My ex turned around last night and informed me that I needed to be out by the end of the month, as she was shutting down the lease. My other roommate - my best friend - has already been in the process of slowly moving out, so it was an... interesting night. I helped him move some of his gear back to his parent's apartment - at three in the morning- then we went driving for a while. We drove out to a pull off out a few miles from town, and shut down. Out there... You can see the stars. They are EVERYWHERE. And it's so beautiful.
It was exactly what I needed for the time. Afterwards, I was able to return back to the apartment and crash... Proceeded to get two and a half hours of sleep before getting up to spend time with my sister for today.
This morning was definitely a Monday though. No doubt.
Last week, I went up to the church and talked to our Pastor about the entire situation. He told me what I needed to know, and confirmed what I was thinking. It helped make things clear. The only other issue I have to deal with now is convincing my Dad that I'm going to church for the social and sound work, not the religion. Because I will never truly be religious, not a Christian. It's not in me. I am a Humanist, and a Unitarian to an extent. The people at the church are good people, people I like and who consider me an equal - and who appreciate me for my work behind the board. It's who I am, and it's what I can do to make things okay for myself.
Things are going to be in a lurch for a while. At least I know I have somewhere to go home to, no matter what. I will keep updating, somehow...
Until next time.
Peace.
2011/12/19
2011/12/16
Life
(Shortest post ever. A thought that's been pestering me.)
Sometimes... Sometimes life throws more at you than you really can handle. It's no wonder sometimes we break down, over and over, with no real relief and no hope. There's no god out there that's dishing out just enough for us to handle it or whatever... It's all just a game of chance, and some of us just don't get lucky.
How long before we get a break?
Until next time.
Peace.
Sometimes... Sometimes life throws more at you than you really can handle. It's no wonder sometimes we break down, over and over, with no real relief and no hope. There's no god out there that's dishing out just enough for us to handle it or whatever... It's all just a game of chance, and some of us just don't get lucky.
How long before we get a break?
Until next time.
Peace.
2011/12/13
Definitions. They're important
"Say what you mean and mean what you say."
Yeah, yeah. That's a clichéd quote. But it's overused for a reason.
It has annoyed me more and more recently that people so often blatantly contradict themselves (yes, more than just waffling politicians hoping for a vote).
Consistency, people. Where is it?
It isn't, most times, in America, that's the problem, and here are a few of my requests made in order to minimize it:
Don't call yourself a Christian and then take bible verses out of context in order to attack others. The most extreme example of this is the WBC. People like that piss me off. That's why people expect all Christians to be judgmental and hateful - misrepresentation like that. People like me have to live with the fallout of their attitudes. I try not to hate anyone, let alone judge them. But the people that create the stereotypes that the rest of us in any "group" have to constantly argue "most of us really aren't like that!" ...it's hard not to hate them some days.
Also, don't complain about how the government isn't controlling big business enough and keep holding the Cold War-era fear of "Communism." So many people don't realize that communism doesn't mean dictatorship, it means the government distributes money and resources, ideally equally. Communism in theory is actually wonderful: no class divide, everyone has enough money... I would probably advocate a good mix of communism and "do something to earn your money" except for a few key problems. One major practical problem in creating a successful communistic economy exists in finding someone truly unbiased enough to distribute the money while avoiding corruption. People are people, and I doubt we'll ever meet anyone with that internal strength, although since the world is often ironic, anyone suitable is likely to be born into a red-phobic country like ours. Also, initiative in communistic economies tends to be squashed since putting in more effort won't yield you any more reward. If there was a good way to fix everything to an ideal, I would advocate that, but whose ideal are we following? That's one good thing about democracy (NOT 'as opposed to communism,' since it's hard to compare an economic system and a system of government) everyone gets a say in what happens, regardless of how little any one vote is reduced to in the grand scheme of things.
Most of all, don't complain about people thinking you're a slut if you're going to have loud conversations about how much you want to screw somebody. One good friend does this to me constantly. She'll complain endlessly about how guys have come on too strong and their creeper personalities, but then, while arguing with me during class about the hotness of the guy who sits next to me, mimes "I want to fuck him," and makes similar comments in audible conversations. (I don't curse if I can help it, out of habit, so if I'm stressed during an interview or somewhere where it would actually matter to me what people thought, I won't slip and curse and upset someone, but she was close enough that I could read her lips as she silently said the words while miming them. I can't deliberately misquote someone; that's bad journalism...) This is one of my best friends, remember, but I can't help but see why people would assume she sleeps around: she's always talking about sex. Not that there's anything necessarily wrong with that, but don't complain about your reputation if you refuse to change actions that have directly caused it.
Hypocrisy isn't just about religion. People everywhere just need to learn to only say what they really mean.
Also, don't complain about how the government isn't controlling big business enough and keep holding the Cold War-era fear of "Communism." So many people don't realize that communism doesn't mean dictatorship, it means the government distributes money and resources, ideally equally. Communism in theory is actually wonderful: no class divide, everyone has enough money... I would probably advocate a good mix of communism and "do something to earn your money" except for a few key problems. One major practical problem in creating a successful communistic economy exists in finding someone truly unbiased enough to distribute the money while avoiding corruption. People are people, and I doubt we'll ever meet anyone with that internal strength, although since the world is often ironic, anyone suitable is likely to be born into a red-phobic country like ours. Also, initiative in communistic economies tends to be squashed since putting in more effort won't yield you any more reward. If there was a good way to fix everything to an ideal, I would advocate that, but whose ideal are we following? That's one good thing about democracy (NOT 'as opposed to communism,' since it's hard to compare an economic system and a system of government) everyone gets a say in what happens, regardless of how little any one vote is reduced to in the grand scheme of things.
Most of all, don't complain about people thinking you're a slut if you're going to have loud conversations about how much you want to screw somebody. One good friend does this to me constantly. She'll complain endlessly about how guys have come on too strong and their creeper personalities, but then, while arguing with me during class about the hotness of the guy who sits next to me, mimes "I want to fuck him," and makes similar comments in audible conversations. (I don't curse if I can help it, out of habit, so if I'm stressed during an interview or somewhere where it would actually matter to me what people thought, I won't slip and curse and upset someone, but she was close enough that I could read her lips as she silently said the words while miming them. I can't deliberately misquote someone; that's bad journalism...) This is one of my best friends, remember, but I can't help but see why people would assume she sleeps around: she's always talking about sex. Not that there's anything necessarily wrong with that, but don't complain about your reputation if you refuse to change actions that have directly caused it.
Hypocrisy isn't just about religion. People everywhere just need to learn to only say what they really mean.
But yeah... rant over. For now.
Until next time.
Until next time.
2011/12/10
People. They suck.
(Warning: This is a personal post. Heavy amounts of hate may ensue. Labelling may also ensue.)
I am Bi-Gender. It is who I am, and according to my brain, I sure as hell am not going to be returning to the "male" status any time in the future.
Gang? I AM NOT MALE. GET. IT. STRAIGHT. I am Bi-Gender, and therefore have both male and female qualities about me.
Recently, I've been leaning more and more towards my female tendencies, both in dress and mannerisms. This can be problematic, as was proved tonight. I spent the evening with my sister, and we went out in public, to a shopping centre. My sister has a wig, and let me wear it for the evening. So, I went out in my flats, my dress under a (female style) hoodie, and the wig on. This left a minor amount of skin - a little of my chest that would normally be covered by a t-shirt - and therefore odd for me. Problems begin: being physically male, my facial structure is slightly different, and I freaking grow facial hair. Constantly. Kills me. But I shaved this morning, so it shouldn't have really been noticeable... It seems it was. We were passing by a restaurant with full windows, and several of the... patrons... were watching us pass. Now, me, being who I am, know what a suspicious look is. All five of these patrons had it on while watching us. That was the first warning bell that something was seriously up.
The second came, I believe, when those same five patrons drove by us while we were walking back to my sister's apartment - the car with them in it was going slow(er than normal for that road), and the three in the back seat turned to stare at us. Now, these are not just kids. These are high school or early college jocks, the kind that like to beat up people when they decide to. Now mind, I could easily press charges, or take at least a couple of them down with me, but still... I didn't want to put my sister in that situation. Fortunately, they didn't circle or anything that I noticed - and believe me, I was checking.
Third problem was a little farther into that walk. It's dark out - plenty dark - and the only illumination is streetlights. Three other guys were walking in our direction. Having just dealt with a paranoia situation already, I was pretty on edge. We passed the group finally with no incident, but I could hear them as they walked on, with at least one derisive comment about weirdness and some sharp laughter at it. Needless to say, I was pretty jumpy for the rest of the night.
After some analysis, I'm pretty sure there are two things that may have set them off. One, the light stubble. Again. Fuckin' male body. Two, the wig. It was a rather... unnatural shade of black, and looked too much like a wig, not regular hair. I have a feeling that is what really set it off. This tells me two things.... First, I need to get some shit that'll help with the facial hair - apparently it exists - and second, I need a wig that actually looks real.
(For the record: The only reason I want a wig is because my own hair turns into an afro if I grow it out. Not shitting. My dad has the same hair, and when I mentioned straightening it, he said not to bother, because it would just become worse. I'm inclined to believe and agree with him.)
So yeah. I know this was a rant, but I'm tired of all this. I am who I am. Period. Ain't gonna change, and fuck you if you think you can change it. And if, by some chance, you think you can change it, and do something to try to... I will fuck you up. Not threatening, just promising. I don't take too kindly to people who attempt to hurt me. End of line.
Until next time.
Peace.
I am Bi-Gender. It is who I am, and according to my brain, I sure as hell am not going to be returning to the "male" status any time in the future.
Gang? I AM NOT MALE. GET. IT. STRAIGHT. I am Bi-Gender, and therefore have both male and female qualities about me.
Recently, I've been leaning more and more towards my female tendencies, both in dress and mannerisms. This can be problematic, as was proved tonight. I spent the evening with my sister, and we went out in public, to a shopping centre. My sister has a wig, and let me wear it for the evening. So, I went out in my flats, my dress under a (female style) hoodie, and the wig on. This left a minor amount of skin - a little of my chest that would normally be covered by a t-shirt - and therefore odd for me. Problems begin: being physically male, my facial structure is slightly different, and I freaking grow facial hair. Constantly. Kills me. But I shaved this morning, so it shouldn't have really been noticeable... It seems it was. We were passing by a restaurant with full windows, and several of the... patrons... were watching us pass. Now, me, being who I am, know what a suspicious look is. All five of these patrons had it on while watching us. That was the first warning bell that something was seriously up.
The second came, I believe, when those same five patrons drove by us while we were walking back to my sister's apartment - the car with them in it was going slow(er than normal for that road), and the three in the back seat turned to stare at us. Now, these are not just kids. These are high school or early college jocks, the kind that like to beat up people when they decide to. Now mind, I could easily press charges, or take at least a couple of them down with me, but still... I didn't want to put my sister in that situation. Fortunately, they didn't circle or anything that I noticed - and believe me, I was checking.
Third problem was a little farther into that walk. It's dark out - plenty dark - and the only illumination is streetlights. Three other guys were walking in our direction. Having just dealt with a paranoia situation already, I was pretty on edge. We passed the group finally with no incident, but I could hear them as they walked on, with at least one derisive comment about weirdness and some sharp laughter at it. Needless to say, I was pretty jumpy for the rest of the night.
After some analysis, I'm pretty sure there are two things that may have set them off. One, the light stubble. Again. Fuckin' male body. Two, the wig. It was a rather... unnatural shade of black, and looked too much like a wig, not regular hair. I have a feeling that is what really set it off. This tells me two things.... First, I need to get some shit that'll help with the facial hair - apparently it exists - and second, I need a wig that actually looks real.
(For the record: The only reason I want a wig is because my own hair turns into an afro if I grow it out. Not shitting. My dad has the same hair, and when I mentioned straightening it, he said not to bother, because it would just become worse. I'm inclined to believe and agree with him.)
So yeah. I know this was a rant, but I'm tired of all this. I am who I am. Period. Ain't gonna change, and fuck you if you think you can change it. And if, by some chance, you think you can change it, and do something to try to... I will fuck you up. Not threatening, just promising. I don't take too kindly to people who attempt to hurt me. End of line.
Until next time.
Peace.
2011/12/05
Church? ... ... ... Church!
For the past two months or so, my girlfriend and I have been going to church every Sunday morning, and also for the occasional work day like the one mentioned a little while back. I run the soundboard for the service, making sure that our pastor can be heard and that the band is nice and loud. Depending on the week, we have just a guitar and two vocals, all the way up to three guitars, two vocals, a bass, and drums. Things get interesting and fun.
On top of doing sound for that service, I have run sound for the talent show that we recently did as well, having fun with that. That Thursday night was rehearsal, and it went about as abysmally as can be, but that meant that Friday and Saturday nights - the main show nights - actually went pretty well. Murphy very fortunately did not strike anybody during the show, even me as the tech guy. We got more than extremely lucky on that account.
And with that, to the main reason for this post... That Friday night, the pastor of the church, who was playing a part in one of the skits, picked me up and took me over there to do my job. On our way over, several things happened differently than I expected. First and foremost, it was proved to me that our pastor... is human. He cursed, several times in fact - mainly "shit" and "damn". I can't say it completely surprised me, but it certainly relaxed me a bit. Second, he drives like a bat outta hell. He and I get along when it comes to driving - we both have lead feet and are aggressive drivers. (I still think I'm worse though.)
On our way over there, I asked him something I'd been thinking about for a while though. To this point, I have rarely heard of, much less found, any churches that do not view "deviant" gender and sexuality as non-sinful. Having heard some of the things I have about the Catholic church, the Mormon church, Christian churches (I count Westboro Baptist Church as such), and others, I broached this topic with much hesitance. The only reason I was able to even ask it was because of the fact that our pastor is a pretty damned cool guy, and seems to actually try to keep up with reality as it comes - not a common trait among most preachers I know of. He does not wear anything close to the robes of a preacher - he wears jeans, a t-shirt, and a suit jacket. When he preaches, he does not preach about the smiting of us. So I asked him... (These are not the actual words, but it's as close as I can remember.)
"What is the church's - and your - views on gays, lesbians, transgenders, et cetera?"
The answer I got surprised me. "It doesn't bother me so much. I believe that everybody needs ministry. Besides, our downtown campus has a good number of people who fall into those categories."
This made me feel a lot better. Up to that point, I'd been downright scared to even come close to bringing any kind of attention to the fact that I am, in all points, bi+gender, and can't change that. Now, though... Now, maybe it's a possibility to talk to our pastor about it. There is nothing wrong with being of a "deviant" gender or sexuality - far from it - but at the same point, I think it'd be nice to get his view point on it.
It helps that he and I get along, quite well. When it comes to doing sound, he backs me up, and is incredibly understanding, as well as absorbent of the information I provide. He asked me a question a couple weeks ago about the mic he uses at the downtown campus - a wireless headset. A very thin cable runs from the headset to the transceiver in his pocket, and occasionally during his sermon, there'd be a pop, crack, or other something happening. "What is causing that?"
I thought for a minute before explaining. "Cables like that don't like being wound tightly. They are so thin that stretching them too taut will cause them to short, which is what it sounds like is happening here. All I can recommend is replacing the headset with its' cord - not the transceiver or receiver, just the headset."
In my professional opinion, that's what has to happen... You don't repair cables like that, it's too damned tedious. Screw that. (This coming from the one who enjoys the process of trying to solder XLR and 1/4" cables.)
I don't know if the church has the money to replace the piece, but he seems to have taken my advice, at least listening and agreeing. During our work day I mentioned a couple posts ago, we had a piece of sound gear that I figured would be a good addition to our current equipment, and mentioned this to the gang at large. It turns out that the piece was originally supposed to go up for sale, but the pastor stuck up for me and said that I could add it to our working collection, which I am glad for. Shotgun mics are harder to come by than one would think... Even if we don't have a use for it at this moment, it's still usable. Somewhere. I'll figure out where eventually.
I'm apparently a bit of a pack rat? I think that pretty much proves it. Either way.
I'm glad my girlfriend convinced me to come to the original concert, and that I had the guts to talk to the pastor and assistant pastor. If I hadn't... I wouldn't be in the community I am now. These are good people, better than many I've met, in a not-so-good area. For all that, I am thankful that they have accepted me and given me the freedom I need to do what I need with my job. (For instance - this past week, I was allowed to go in and completely reorganise the sound booth and set some things up to make it all work. I had the full support of the staff there, trying to get the job done - including going out of their way to make sure I got that help.)
It isn't a large church, and I'm glad of that. That small-church feel means that I have the chance to step up and DO something, serve a cause that I like. May not... Fully support, but one I like. It means I can do sound, and means that I can volunteer to do other things, like run sound in the coffee shop we're working on.
I think I got lucky. Now as long as my dad doesn't find out about this, I'll be fine....
Until next time.
Peace.
On top of doing sound for that service, I have run sound for the talent show that we recently did as well, having fun with that. That Thursday night was rehearsal, and it went about as abysmally as can be, but that meant that Friday and Saturday nights - the main show nights - actually went pretty well. Murphy very fortunately did not strike anybody during the show, even me as the tech guy. We got more than extremely lucky on that account.
And with that, to the main reason for this post... That Friday night, the pastor of the church, who was playing a part in one of the skits, picked me up and took me over there to do my job. On our way over, several things happened differently than I expected. First and foremost, it was proved to me that our pastor... is human. He cursed, several times in fact - mainly "shit" and "damn". I can't say it completely surprised me, but it certainly relaxed me a bit. Second, he drives like a bat outta hell. He and I get along when it comes to driving - we both have lead feet and are aggressive drivers. (I still think I'm worse though.)
On our way over there, I asked him something I'd been thinking about for a while though. To this point, I have rarely heard of, much less found, any churches that do not view "deviant" gender and sexuality as non-sinful. Having heard some of the things I have about the Catholic church, the Mormon church, Christian churches (I count Westboro Baptist Church as such), and others, I broached this topic with much hesitance. The only reason I was able to even ask it was because of the fact that our pastor is a pretty damned cool guy, and seems to actually try to keep up with reality as it comes - not a common trait among most preachers I know of. He does not wear anything close to the robes of a preacher - he wears jeans, a t-shirt, and a suit jacket. When he preaches, he does not preach about the smiting of us. So I asked him... (These are not the actual words, but it's as close as I can remember.)
"What is the church's - and your - views on gays, lesbians, transgenders, et cetera?"
The answer I got surprised me. "It doesn't bother me so much. I believe that everybody needs ministry. Besides, our downtown campus has a good number of people who fall into those categories."
This made me feel a lot better. Up to that point, I'd been downright scared to even come close to bringing any kind of attention to the fact that I am, in all points, bi+gender, and can't change that. Now, though... Now, maybe it's a possibility to talk to our pastor about it. There is nothing wrong with being of a "deviant" gender or sexuality - far from it - but at the same point, I think it'd be nice to get his view point on it.
It helps that he and I get along, quite well. When it comes to doing sound, he backs me up, and is incredibly understanding, as well as absorbent of the information I provide. He asked me a question a couple weeks ago about the mic he uses at the downtown campus - a wireless headset. A very thin cable runs from the headset to the transceiver in his pocket, and occasionally during his sermon, there'd be a pop, crack, or other something happening. "What is causing that?"
I thought for a minute before explaining. "Cables like that don't like being wound tightly. They are so thin that stretching them too taut will cause them to short, which is what it sounds like is happening here. All I can recommend is replacing the headset with its' cord - not the transceiver or receiver, just the headset."
In my professional opinion, that's what has to happen... You don't repair cables like that, it's too damned tedious. Screw that. (This coming from the one who enjoys the process of trying to solder XLR and 1/4" cables.)
I don't know if the church has the money to replace the piece, but he seems to have taken my advice, at least listening and agreeing. During our work day I mentioned a couple posts ago, we had a piece of sound gear that I figured would be a good addition to our current equipment, and mentioned this to the gang at large. It turns out that the piece was originally supposed to go up for sale, but the pastor stuck up for me and said that I could add it to our working collection, which I am glad for. Shotgun mics are harder to come by than one would think... Even if we don't have a use for it at this moment, it's still usable. Somewhere. I'll figure out where eventually.
I'm apparently a bit of a pack rat? I think that pretty much proves it. Either way.
I'm glad my girlfriend convinced me to come to the original concert, and that I had the guts to talk to the pastor and assistant pastor. If I hadn't... I wouldn't be in the community I am now. These are good people, better than many I've met, in a not-so-good area. For all that, I am thankful that they have accepted me and given me the freedom I need to do what I need with my job. (For instance - this past week, I was allowed to go in and completely reorganise the sound booth and set some things up to make it all work. I had the full support of the staff there, trying to get the job done - including going out of their way to make sure I got that help.)
It isn't a large church, and I'm glad of that. That small-church feel means that I have the chance to step up and DO something, serve a cause that I like. May not... Fully support, but one I like. It means I can do sound, and means that I can volunteer to do other things, like run sound in the coffee shop we're working on.
I think I got lucky. Now as long as my dad doesn't find out about this, I'll be fine....
Until next time.
Peace.
2011/12/01
There's a First Time for Everything
Considering my last post included a spiel on how I really don't know what to call myself in terms of sexuality, some might wonder why I chose at all to make my main online persona bisexual. I mean, why would someone deliberately choose a self-description that most of society fails to accept, and actively hates? Let me tell a story to clarify some of this.
Really, I just have my moments. I have a lot of asexual moments, I have adore-my-boyfriend moments, and I definitely have lesbian moments. I even used to have homophobic moments, but that was before I really started thinking beyond the attitude I'd absorbed from my mother. The combination of the middle two basically make me bi. I have few enough lesbian moments, though, that I can pretend to be fully straight at times, which is useful since so many people are still homophobic, including my parents.
But I promised a story:
The first time I ever, even within my own brain, considered myself bisexual was when I wound up crushing on a friend, big time. This girl was... actually she is still a close friend of mine. We've spent the night at each others' houses more times than I can count. Naturally, since we're such close friends, we always set it up so that we have the time to hang out with each other practically all day after spending the night. One such day, actually one of the rare times at my house, we were sitting around, pretending to be cats.
It really is not unusual for us to be acting crazy like that. We'd been discussing how much better life would be as a cat - each of us had ex-boyfriend drama to work out, and it would be easy, if we were cats, to be adorable enough, get adopted by our guys, and cuddle 24-7 because no one gets mad at a cat for trying, and no reasonable girlfriend gets jealous of a cat.
Regardless of our reasons why, we were meowing at each other. She was more into it than I was, though, so I was back to the human role of scratching her head, especially behind her ears. Somewhere in the process, I began realizing that I wasn't thinking of it so much as scratching a cat's head but as caressing her ear and almost her cheek or the rest of her head, just like I'd done with my ex at times. My first boyfriend (the recent ex from the perspective of this story) was really the most influential person in teaching me not to be homophobic, so for the first time, my knee-jerk emotional reaction to that realization was, "that's… unusual, that I think of her this way," instead of "I must be mistaken, I can't like a girl!" In the past, when the latter reaction was my response, I had always managed to think myself out of crushing on someone. In this case, I just hadn't admitted it to myself yet.
This friend of mine is also a cuddler - if we sit down near each other, I instantly become a pillow, even if she's not tired, and that day, she was still tired despite the fact that we'd slept almost 12 hours the night before. Normally, I would bemusedly tolerate my pillow status, but that day, I had to force myself to act normal while the sheer presence of her warm body was making me unreasonably happy, especially when she quit hugging my knees on the couch we were sharing (I had my back up against one armrest) and laid down next to me, her head almost on my chest, in the perfect position for me to hug her shoulders. By this point, I was starting to realize that I liked her, but the words hadn't come to mind yet.
Along with the fact that she was hugging my legs at one point, she started scraping her teeth along my knee "because that's what cats do." I had jeans on at the time, and she was doing that lightly, so it really just tickled. I'm really ticklish, so I squirmed away at first. After a few times that she'd done it, I got over the fact that it tickled, and the fact that it was more unusual than I'd been expecting, even from her, and I realized it was oddly… pleasant. I figured out for the first time what was meant by the expression "butterflies in your stomach." It's a bit unusual, and if I was naming the sensation, I don't think I would use "butterflies," I would more likely say "inchworms." If you've ever let an inchworm crawl across your finger, with the slight pull its feet give your skin as it moves that almost tickles and really just feels weird, that's a much closer sensation to what I felt than butterflies' wings hitting you. And the physical contact, dare I say was a turn-on? Not even close to the level of making-out-wonderful, but still undeniable, and it lasted all day, even after she went home, which I wasn't used to. (Fortunately, in a girl's body, it's really easy to hide any sign of being turned on from anyone else: just don't say anything about it and leave your pants on.) That was when I really knew that it wasn't just in my mind, I was crushing badly on my friend.
Then I had to be sure for myself. Really, truly, sure. One of the first bi-curious moments I'd had (long before dating anyone) involved total bliss when a particular friend, different than the one in this story, had brushed my hair. A lot of people are fascinated with my hair, so it wasn't hard at all to subtly suggest that my friend brush my hair, without mentioning my experimental attitude toward the experience. She was enthusiastic and didn't ask questions, which saved me from a fair bit of awkwardness. The magic of having someone else brush my hair was different than in the memory I mentioned, but no less present. Her gentle fingers brushed against my neck at times, when she would separate my hair into manageable sections. It was ecstasy; a silent, forbidden thrill. Suddenly I couldn't stop seeing how beautifully delicate she was. No doubt remained, I had fallen firmly head over heels for one of my best friends.
What did I do about it? Nothing at all, at first. Even before I had that internal crisis/self recognition, we'd had enough discussions that homosexuality had come up, and I knew she didn't mind gay people, and I misremembered, thinking she was 100% straight herself. Along with some recent drama between her and another friend, female, who my friend claimed forced her to break up with her ex because, among other reasons, [this other friend] liked her, she also tended to tell everyone about all her drama, so I decided I had more than enough reason to stay quiet, especially as I was still unsure if I was truly bisexual (and still cringing at the word because I wasn't used to it). Eventually, though, I mentioned it to her. I discovered that she was also at least bi-curious. I tried to avoid forcing the issue, but it seemed she felt compelled to ask me out anyway. Needless to say, with such a shaky start, our relationship unfortunately did not last long. On the other hand, we remain good friends, which is quite a useful trick. I'm lucky like that; I've been able to remain friends with all of my exes, even after breaking up.
The next challenge was my parents. Homophobia galore to face on this front. They still don't know of my moments. I've decided that they don't need to be told, but I'm willing to face the fire if they find out by accident.
So why do I identify immediately as bisexual? Because I know, somewhere deep within me that despite how rarely it happens, I still fall for girls once in a while. I have to express all sides of myself somewhere, so online is where the hidden parts of me are revealed. I am indeed bisexual, and I wish I could say unashamed. For now, at least I know who and what I am.
Until next time.
Really, I just have my moments. I have a lot of asexual moments, I have adore-my-boyfriend moments, and I definitely have lesbian moments. I even used to have homophobic moments, but that was before I really started thinking beyond the attitude I'd absorbed from my mother. The combination of the middle two basically make me bi. I have few enough lesbian moments, though, that I can pretend to be fully straight at times, which is useful since so many people are still homophobic, including my parents.
But I promised a story:
The first time I ever, even within my own brain, considered myself bisexual was when I wound up crushing on a friend, big time. This girl was... actually she is still a close friend of mine. We've spent the night at each others' houses more times than I can count. Naturally, since we're such close friends, we always set it up so that we have the time to hang out with each other practically all day after spending the night. One such day, actually one of the rare times at my house, we were sitting around, pretending to be cats.
It really is not unusual for us to be acting crazy like that. We'd been discussing how much better life would be as a cat - each of us had ex-boyfriend drama to work out, and it would be easy, if we were cats, to be adorable enough, get adopted by our guys, and cuddle 24-7 because no one gets mad at a cat for trying, and no reasonable girlfriend gets jealous of a cat.
Regardless of our reasons why, we were meowing at each other. She was more into it than I was, though, so I was back to the human role of scratching her head, especially behind her ears. Somewhere in the process, I began realizing that I wasn't thinking of it so much as scratching a cat's head but as caressing her ear and almost her cheek or the rest of her head, just like I'd done with my ex at times. My first boyfriend (the recent ex from the perspective of this story) was really the most influential person in teaching me not to be homophobic, so for the first time, my knee-jerk emotional reaction to that realization was, "that's… unusual, that I think of her this way," instead of "I must be mistaken, I can't like a girl!" In the past, when the latter reaction was my response, I had always managed to think myself out of crushing on someone. In this case, I just hadn't admitted it to myself yet.
This friend of mine is also a cuddler - if we sit down near each other, I instantly become a pillow, even if she's not tired, and that day, she was still tired despite the fact that we'd slept almost 12 hours the night before. Normally, I would bemusedly tolerate my pillow status, but that day, I had to force myself to act normal while the sheer presence of her warm body was making me unreasonably happy, especially when she quit hugging my knees on the couch we were sharing (I had my back up against one armrest) and laid down next to me, her head almost on my chest, in the perfect position for me to hug her shoulders. By this point, I was starting to realize that I liked her, but the words hadn't come to mind yet.
Along with the fact that she was hugging my legs at one point, she started scraping her teeth along my knee "because that's what cats do." I had jeans on at the time, and she was doing that lightly, so it really just tickled. I'm really ticklish, so I squirmed away at first. After a few times that she'd done it, I got over the fact that it tickled, and the fact that it was more unusual than I'd been expecting, even from her, and I realized it was oddly… pleasant. I figured out for the first time what was meant by the expression "butterflies in your stomach." It's a bit unusual, and if I was naming the sensation, I don't think I would use "butterflies," I would more likely say "inchworms." If you've ever let an inchworm crawl across your finger, with the slight pull its feet give your skin as it moves that almost tickles and really just feels weird, that's a much closer sensation to what I felt than butterflies' wings hitting you. And the physical contact, dare I say was a turn-on? Not even close to the level of making-out-wonderful, but still undeniable, and it lasted all day, even after she went home, which I wasn't used to. (Fortunately, in a girl's body, it's really easy to hide any sign of being turned on from anyone else: just don't say anything about it and leave your pants on.) That was when I really knew that it wasn't just in my mind, I was crushing badly on my friend.
Then I had to be sure for myself. Really, truly, sure. One of the first bi-curious moments I'd had (long before dating anyone) involved total bliss when a particular friend, different than the one in this story, had brushed my hair. A lot of people are fascinated with my hair, so it wasn't hard at all to subtly suggest that my friend brush my hair, without mentioning my experimental attitude toward the experience. She was enthusiastic and didn't ask questions, which saved me from a fair bit of awkwardness. The magic of having someone else brush my hair was different than in the memory I mentioned, but no less present. Her gentle fingers brushed against my neck at times, when she would separate my hair into manageable sections. It was ecstasy; a silent, forbidden thrill. Suddenly I couldn't stop seeing how beautifully delicate she was. No doubt remained, I had fallen firmly head over heels for one of my best friends.
What did I do about it? Nothing at all, at first. Even before I had that internal crisis/self recognition, we'd had enough discussions that homosexuality had come up, and I knew she didn't mind gay people, and I misremembered, thinking she was 100% straight herself. Along with some recent drama between her and another friend, female, who my friend claimed forced her to break up with her ex because, among other reasons, [this other friend] liked her, she also tended to tell everyone about all her drama, so I decided I had more than enough reason to stay quiet, especially as I was still unsure if I was truly bisexual (and still cringing at the word because I wasn't used to it). Eventually, though, I mentioned it to her. I discovered that she was also at least bi-curious. I tried to avoid forcing the issue, but it seemed she felt compelled to ask me out anyway. Needless to say, with such a shaky start, our relationship unfortunately did not last long. On the other hand, we remain good friends, which is quite a useful trick. I'm lucky like that; I've been able to remain friends with all of my exes, even after breaking up.
The next challenge was my parents. Homophobia galore to face on this front. They still don't know of my moments. I've decided that they don't need to be told, but I'm willing to face the fire if they find out by accident.
So why do I identify immediately as bisexual? Because I know, somewhere deep within me that despite how rarely it happens, I still fall for girls once in a while. I have to express all sides of myself somewhere, so online is where the hidden parts of me are revealed. I am indeed bisexual, and I wish I could say unashamed. For now, at least I know who and what I am.
Until next time.
A Couple Amendments...
A little over a week ago, I got wind of a problem that is seriously going to do some damage to this country - and our freedoms - if it passes. Congress is currently attempting to put two bills through called SOPA - Stop Online Piracy Act - and PIPA - Protect IP Act - which, on the surface, seems benign. This is, as usual, not true. This bill does not stop piracy. It allows the United States Corporate (it's no longer Federal) Government to censor whatever it wants, going in and out of the US (using OUR tax dollars!). In case any of you are daft, let me spell it out for you...
This bill will violate our First Amendment. (Wikipedia) Our First Amendment: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."
Woo! Oh man, where to start... Considering how constantly Congress has been trying to violate just that Amendment lately, I could give so very many examples. But, let us stick to the subject matter at hand.
Censor: "an official who examines books, plays, news reports, motion pictures, radio and television programs, letters, cablegrams, etc., for the purpose of suppressing parts deemed objectionable on moral, political, military, or other grounds."
Censorship: "the act or practice of censoring."
Notice anything about what I said earlier - about SOPA being a censorship act? Having read those definitions, I'm pretty sure it's quite clear exactly how all this fits together... Censorship violates our freedom of speech. (And from that alone, violates each of those other freedoms.) This act will allow the corporate government the ability to pull anything it finds as "piracy", even if it's just a bare technicality.
Imagine the damage this could do! Sites like Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, eBay, and many others could all be shut down just because they come CLOSE to having piracy attached to them. Anything with user posted content would be subject to closure. Hell, if the act went into effect today, I would be fucked. Look at the number of times I've slammed our Corporate Overlords lately! I'd disappear before anybody knew what happened... I'm sure they could find something to stick me with.
My girlfriend and I watched V For Vendetta last night (again). After having seen it a couple weeks ago, it sent eerie chills down my spine multiple times, especially when V was talking about the "Ministry of Objectionable Materials". I could see one of those coming up so fast it'd give us all whiplash. That movie is a little different from what's going on now, because it wasn't the corporates that took over the government, it was just a regular federal government... But we're going on the same basic path right here in the good ole (yes, ole, not old - because you know, we're a bunch of backwater hillbillies) United States of America. Joy!
Watching the bullshit unfold the other day on Facebook, somebody had the absolute gall to blame this shit on Obama. Me, being who I am, immediately stepped up and took a mighty swing. Called their bullshit so fast it wasn't even funny. It's not Obama who's supporting this - in fact, seeing who was sponsoring it, it almost made me laugh, as there were more Republicans than Democrats there. Sadly, I'm not surprised. I wish I hadn't seen something like this coming.
Dammit, we're not China, people! We don't need a great firewall! And I can guarantee that if this act does pass, there will be riots in the streets that will make the Occupy Wall Street movement look like a couple people loitering around. Forget peaceable assembly.
For centuries, people of the world over have used what is referred to as "Right of Revolution" to change their political structure and make things better. This, of course, is not in our Constitution or its' Amendments, even though it is getting to the point where it is needed. It is listed in the Constitutions of several states, even in Kentucky's. (Wikipedia) "All power is inherent in the people, and all free governments are founded on their authority and instituted for their peace, safety, happiness and the protection of property. For the advancement of these ends, they have at all times an inalienable and indefeasible right to alter, reform or abolish their government in such manner as they may deem proper." I don't know about you, but that tells me what I need to know. This government is not doing its' job.
If the current political situation doesn't tell you that we need reform, I don't know what will.
One other item to tackle.
(Wikipedia) Second Amendment: "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."
We've been lucky so far - to this point, there have been few serious (reported) attempts at curtailing this amendment. Unfortunately, with our government going the way it is, I wouldn't be too surprised if it were to happen that somebody tried to put a lock on this one. I'm a Liberal Democrat, but apparently don't hold true to that some days - for instance, in this case, I like my full usage of this amendment.
A few days ago, my girlfriend and I spent a few hours at the house of a family we consider friends from church. These are awesome people, and have done nothing but good for us. The whole family owns weapons - father, mother, and son. All of them are shooters, and the father carries concealed almost all the time.
If there is anybody in the world I can trust... It would be them. They have proven to me - if nothing else by honesty and their trust of other people - that they are trustworthy. Crazy, maybe. But trustworthy. And if there's anybody out there that I'd rather have watching my back and carrying? It's them.
I'm afraid to see what my own party will try to do though (democrats) once another attack or two happen. They WILL happen, that much is inevitable. I don't know when, or where, or by who to who. But I know they will, because it is human. I will stand against any bill that tries to prohibit these rights though, just like I'm standing against that which is attacking our first amendment.
A statement I rather like... "I may not like you, but I will defend to my death your right to go fuck yourself." Crude as it may be, it's my attitude towards these situations. I may despise you, may want you deader than dead, but I will defend your rights. (Side note: Try to stab me in the back and I'll make sure you don't ever use that hand again. I'll still defend your rights though.)
Until next time.
Peace.
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