Open letter to Ms. Lindsay Leigh Bentley

Hey gang. I know it's been ages since I've posted. I've been busy, you know? And other than a few odd comments I've had the misfortune to overhear (e.g. "it's fine if you're gay, it's fine if you're straight, but bisexual people need to just pick one" so, since I'm gender-fluid, no one should ever date me?) nothing recently has brought up the issues I'm most familiar with in a way that I felt strongly enough I had to write about them.

But it turns out people have the most interesting misconceptions about being trans, and when they are applied, they go from interesting to oppressive. I recently read a blog post that was very nicely worded and yet, despite all the author did right, I still finished reading the post and felt as though this author misunderstands trans people and thinks we don't really exist, or maybe that, despite the fact trans people exist, we can't know ourselves that thoroughly until at least puberty (which, from my friends' collective experience, is the time that all issues related to being in the wrong body get exponentially worse.)

(Not familiar with the child she's referring to? Read this for a nice summary with the original video.)

As you can probably already tell based on my comments, I distinctly disagree with the conclusions that blog post led me to.

Funnily enough, my experience as a child isn't too different from this author's. I feel it may be helpful to share, and hopefully address the misunderstandings just as politely as they were presented.

Here goes: 
An open letter to Ms. Lindsay Leigh Bentley. 

Dear Lindsay,

I hope I can call you that. It's how you signed your blog post, after all.

So much of your post resonated with me. I grew up a self-proclaimed tomboy. Nearly all of my friends before 8th grade were male, and the girls I was friends with were from girl scout camp, where there was obviously no boys, but we were all the rough-and-tumble type at camp anyway so I often found kindred spirits to befriend.

It's interesting, given that I have since discovered myself as a gender-fluid individual, that I never questioned that I was female. I should note that I am the exception not the rule. Most trans people know their gender doesn't match their body from a very young age. I didn't figure myself out until after puberty. Of course, I only knew of two binary genders at the time but that's a conversation for another day.

In fact, in middle school, when we had to write a paper answering the question "do girls or boys have it easier?" I didn't even have to think. Obviously girls had it easier because it was okay if we had guy-friends or acted masculine. But it was social suicide for a boy in the lower grades to hang out with girls or act feminine. Girls had more freedom of expression, freedom to be ourselves. Clearly that was better. Now, as a less-naive adult, and versed in the language of feminism, I recognize that the "freedom" I thought I had was still rooted in sexism. Men can't be any less than masculine because that's weak. Girls are allowed to try to be stronger and less oppressed. Men do have "better, more successful" lives (in terms of more income and less harassment and similar standards) than women. But for young boys and girls, I still stand by that conclusion. Young girls, in general, have more freedom than young boys do, and freedom is not bad.

You enjoyed some of that freedom. So did I. You concluded that since you were a masculine child who was allowed to be yourself and wished to be a boy, and since you are just fine now, as a grown woman, that it is what? Cruel for Ryland's parents to let xem present as male and perhaps encourage xem to do so? I use the gender neutral pronouns in acknowledgement of your uncertainty of Ryland's gender. I'll admit, it's possible your experience was similar enough to Ryland's that your fear is justified. Perhaps, Ryland as a teen will have huge issues with transitioning hormonally when puberty should have "fixed" it and made xem a "normal" girl. Perhaps not. I think the balance is tipped far in the "unlikely" side, but your conclusion is still a possible reality.

I don't pretend to be an expert on your life, nor on Ryland's. I only know what your blog tells me about you and what the news tells me about Ryland. And of course, since I fall under the trans umbrella and I have many friends who are binary trans, I have learned etiquette regarding trans people and the process of transitioning, and the meaning of words.

My primary complaint with your blog post is actually the subtitle. You called yourself a male-identifying child. I suspect you used this after using context clues to guess what "identifying" meant in the context of gender identity. You described yourself as a masculine child who "wished" to be a boy. I cannot speak for all trans people, especially since I am a minority within the minority. However, what I consistently hear from my trans friends who identify as female (or male-to-female if you prefer) is not "I wanted to be a girl and now I've become one". What I hear is "I've always been a girl. Even when everyone told me otherwise I knew they were wrong. I'm glad everyone else can now see the girl I've always been."

That is what identifying is to trans people. It is not wishing. It is knowing. I hope you understand why such similar sounding statements are worlds apart in meaning.

I honestly don't know which category Ryland falls into. I only know what little the internet tells me about xir life. I have a solid guess which one describes your childhood based on your choice of words, but even so, I can't be certain from only one post. Essentially, I've just met you, after all.

Regardless, the difference between identifying and wishing is whether or not transition is appropriate. For someone who, with the definition I've just presented, identifies as something other than the gender they were assigned at birth, transition is appropriate. Those that wish they were another gender have consciously or unconsiously acknowledged their actual gender. Many trans people wish to be cisgender, wish that their minds match their bodies, wish that transition and social stigma aren't necessary for them. Transition can be expensive and no one chooses to be an outcast. Just like your wish to be male, the wish to be cisgender does not change the reality of anyone's existence.

My other complaint with your post has to do with etiquette. We may not know all the details of Ryland's life. We only know that the video says "he identifies as male." When you are told someone's identity, whether or not you believe it, it is polite to use the pronouns suggested by that identity. At the very least, don't use the opposite ones. Through your entire post, you called Ryland "she". That can very offensive, even though I can see you doubt how long xem "identifying" will last. Your words tell me you think xe is not really trans. When that assumption is applied to trans people in general, it is offensive. Treating trans people as though they are their assigned gender is called trans-erasure. It says you think they aren't really trans, and often it also says you think trans people don't exist. I don't know whether or not you believe trans people exist. But if someone told you that girls couldn't be masculine, so obviously you weren't a girl or you were never masculine, you would be offended too. You clearly exist as you are and with your exact history; it is that person's misinformed belief that girls can't be masculine. I hope you understand why erasure and misgendering are offensive, whether or not you believe trans people exist. No one likes to be told they don't exist or that their identity isn't valid.

I feel that I've been very negative, but I actually liked much of your post. For example, I appreciate that you understand that gender expression is not gender identity and does not relate to sexuality. You were perfectly capable of being a masculine child and still being a girl. It's perfectly possible for a male child or adult to be feminine and not a transgirl or transwoman. Sexuality really can't be known until puberty, when people become sexually aware, so "opposite gendered behaviors" in childhood don't reflect a child's future sexuality. You made these points in different words, and they are all very good. They do not enforce harmful stereotypes. You actually attacked the harmful stereotypes that bother me most. I love when people do that.

Finally, I would like to address the assumptions I have regarding Ryland, and why I believe xir parents are doing the right thing, since you and I came to different conclusions.

You remember how I explained "identifying" from a trans person's perspective, I hope. It's only been a few paragraphs, after all. Anyone now who feels strongly enough to look into transition has many resources online, support groups in person and on Facebook, and other places. In the internet age, it's easy to find other people who feel the same way you do who can explain the terms they all use and share their own stories. I trust that any parent who would be open minded enough to listen to their child say "I am not a [assigned gender]" despite what their eyes and the doctors tell them, would also be open minded enough to know they don't know everything and go looking for those answers and talk to real trans people about their experiences and struggles, and also to search out people like you and hear your story so they could recognize what isn't being trans and carefully determine whether or not the words and emotions are a phase or whether they will last. Some people say that it can only ever be a phase, but the collective experience of my trans friends says that statement is false.

Do I know that Ryland's parents are actually being that careful? Of course I don't know. I've never met them. But by virtue of them listening to their child and allowing xem to know xemself, I trust them to also listen to the voices that have gone through similar experiences.

You think it is cruel to force a girl to go through male puberty. I agree. But it is also cruel to force a boy to go through female puberty. If Ryland is male as xir parents claim (and unless you know the family personally, neither you nor I can talk to Ryland and judge the sincerity of xir identity for ourselves, so we have to trust xir parents' judgement) then transition now may be the safest option. The parents cannot enforce this transition at puberty without a doctor's assistance, to prescribe appropriate hormones. (Hormone blockers, to delay puberty in case Ryland is an early bloomer are likely to be prescribed already, but are also completely reversible, so I'm ignoring their existence for simplicity.)

Even if the parents are making a bad choice for their child, the doctors will double check it. A significant part of the process for anyone getting hormones to transition, regardless of age, is to talk to a psychologist one-on-one and have the psychologist write a letter of recommendation for hormones before they can ever be prescribed. Ryland will be a young teen by then, (xe won't need hormones until puberty after all) more than able to think and speak for xemself, and any psychologist knows more than I do about any problems likely to come from a prepubescent mind, and will take them into account before writing the letter.

For all of these reasons and more, I believe Ryland is in no danger of being forced into the wrong puberty. I would hesitate to put my own child in the same spotlight if they were transitioning at a young age, but that would be me projecting my own shyness onto my children and enforcing a better-safe-than-sorry policy because I believe it is best. No one seems to complain when parents teach or enforce safety-related beliefs over their children. Only when the parents teach other attitudes that are "too conservative" or "too liberal." Again, that's a thought for another day.

You are concerned for a child that is not your own. From the sound of it, you have raised your own with love and without enforcing restrictive stereotypes. That's fantastic. Keep up the good work. But a little advice, if I may. Don't worry about Ryland. You can't affect xir life, and even if you do, you are unlikely to know it. Don't stress about what you can't change. Keep loving the child(ren?) you have. Raise them well. I hope to do the same one day.

Best

~ Kara

(edited to get rid of that awful font. The joys of mobile blogging: my app that is best for typing has a weird font, and the Blogger app is too smart and keeps it. :P )

Censorship, Part 2

Read part 1 first to avoid confusion.

. . . I would hyperlink it, but apparently Blogger mobile doesn't allow that. It's just the last post on this blog, written two days ago. Simple enough. Stupid app. :P

So, I did wind up soaking the papers I'd been censored from. I followed up two hours later by writing "CENSORSHIP SUCKS WHEN IT'S EVERYONE" and then smaller, "individually it's a shard of glass in the heart"

Barely 40 hours later, the papers are all in the bathroom trash can. Someone didn't like the reminder that they censor people and that it hurts.

I am rather amused this time, at the irony, because someone's immediate reaction to "censorship sucks" is to take down the entire place to write along with the message. 'Let me censor any reminder that censorship happens.' Good luck with that. People always notice.

But on a serious note, the reactions I've had to the previous post have informed me of other times censorship happens on campus. Before an open house, all the "negative" post-its on another bathroom discussion board disappeared, even the ones like "I miss you friends when we're not together" which I would personally consider positive underneath. Another friend has been formally reprimanded for admitting to being suicidal because "it makes the people around you uncomfortable." I'm glad to know I'm not alone in being censored, but this also shows that the problem is pervasive, and can strike in all magnitudes.

Amused though I am at the latest example, censorship is real and it hurts people. I don't have a perfect plan to fighting it, but I entreat you, readers, to listen to people's stories. A kind, patient, listening ear can be very healing to those who feel silenced.

Censorship REALLY sucks

Censorship is old. And it continues getting older. I'm sick of it.

Yes, I am a pansexual atheist on a Christian campus. I generally censor my opinions for others benefit, especially in conversation with people I don't know well, and unless I'm having a one-on-one chat with a friend, conversation including or within earshot of people I'm not close to is 100% guaranteed. So that's a lot of assuming Christian perspective when explaining why even though I love a show, I can't just assume my friends will or whatever other shallow conversation I can manage to have with people. My friends here that do I'm an atheist or pan or whatever portion of my story they know can and would tell you that I don't try to censor their beliefs or opinions or experiences just because I don't happen to share them.

On the flip side, as a female college student, I have an extra advantage. I can express myself through the dry erase boards or construction paper hung within my dorm's bathroom stalls.
Last year, the month before I'd started college, I was travelling overseas, and changing time zones had stressed my body enough that my period didn't even try to start. So when my next period was three days later than the earliest I had hoped for it, I wrote this comment anonymously on the dry-erase board in the stall: "If you're dating a transgirl, you can still get pregnant and then everyone would judge you." (If that had truly been the case, I would have been a pregnant, unmarried girl in a gay relationship, AND dating someone that is judged even more for who she is than the average gay person.) Within hours, my comment at the bottom of the whiteboard had been very cleanly erased. Let me make something clear. These were laminated posterboard. They NEVER erased as well as true dry-erase boards, and always smeared. I didn't care for long at that time because I hadn't seen a mass-erase smear yet, and because I soon made friends and quit feeling so vulnerable and alone.
This year. Different dorm, different PA, different decorations. This year, there is something different in each stall rather than a plain ol' whiteboard in each one. One of the ones I rarely visit has construction paper on the walls, a few markers sticky-tacked next to the paper, and a prompt "Write something you learned today." Well, I'm generally somewhere between female and androgynous, so one day I was feeling dysphoric, almost more about people's assumptions of my religion than people's assumptions of my gender, but sort of both. So I wrote in small letters in the corner of one of the four pages, in a color that did not stand out: "Even cis-people can feel dysphoric some days." I assumed that the words were small enough and the terms were uncommon enough that people who didn't know what they meant wouldn't care, people who did would know they were not alone, and anyone curious would look up the terms they didn't know and wonder or assume what some anonymous person on the floor was going through. It wasn't big and obnoxious like the word "PICCOLOS" which was written in huge letters across two of the sheets of paper (that single word doesn't even relate to the prompt as far as I can tell.) My comment was small and easy to miss. I know even broaching the idea of transgenderism is scary to people who have never dealt with it, but cis- is the rarely-used antonym of trans- so I didn't worry about it.
Apparently I should have. I came back today, and the door of the stall was wide open, so I wandered in, wondering if anyone had left any snarky comments, like they had on "PICCOLOS" (including the jibe "are never in tune?"). I had to search for my comment and I finally realized there was a water mark around the words "people can" in the corner of the paper I'd written on. The four papers are taped in a square, I'd written in the bottom corner of one of the top papers. There was no water at all on the lower paper, and my comment was again very cleanly erased.

This is when I get mad. Roommates / best friends can call each other "poophead" and worse on the dry-erase boards and their banter not get erased for weeks or until the boards are full of comments and doodles. People can insult instruments - and by association the players of those instruments - and call them awful on construction paper. People can write (my paraphrase) "I'm super needy, but that's okay because god." But any time I legitimately try to "share my struggles" or start an anonymous conversation about real, complicated issues, I only get erased.
Silenced. That's how I felt when I first looked for comments on my "getting judged" note. That is especially how I feel now. I have proof that people are not just censoring obnoxious or negative comments. They don't even censor ones that target specific people on the floor. But my "people might go through..." (by which I definitely mean "I am going through...") comments ALWAYS get erased. Why? Because people don't want negativity on a board intended to be about interesting things? Fine. Then erase anything negative. Including "I am needy" and "certain musicians can't play music." Because it seems like trolling? Who the hell would come up with something like that to troll with? Do I pretend to be hurt for sympathy? No! If I was trolling, I'd come up with something intended to insult someone else. I can't figure out how my comment could come across as insulting. And besides, other people were doing some insulting un-erased.

I have come to a conclusion that has two options. There is either something magical about me, or something magical about transgenderism that people single out comments, and hate or fear the idea enough to censor. I know it is more likely to be transgenderism, but it really feels like I'm being singled out.
Censoring transgender issues is selfish, shallow, and ultimately self-defeating. I have met someone ON CAMPUS who, like my girlfriend, was identified as male at birth, but strongly thinks of herself as female. I (generally) only indirectly deal with trans issues, but I KNOW I'm not the only one. It is a valuable dialog to start on campus. I am not bold enough to connect my name with starting the discussion, but why erase it? Why hide?

I suspect PAs in both cases, particularly the latter. Who else would feel the need to moderate bathroom discussions? But the thought hurts. PAs (called RAs in some other colleges) have to take a leadership class before they get assigned to a dorm and wing, and are expected to be welcoming and accepting and someone you can talk to. By the end of the year, I did truly get that safe-person vibe from my PA. This year, my two PAs are enthusiastic and outgoing, but neither one has ever attempted to make conversation with me deeper than "tell me about your family" or "hey, Kara, how's it going?" (At least they know my name.)

I'm just not sure how to react. I could write my controversial opinions bigger. I could write on the walls. I could find myself paintpens and write obnoxious things deliberately. A good friend who heard my preliminary rant before writing this post, suggested censoring other negative things to even it out. I am now tempted to fill my pot with water, soak all four papers in one go, and come back two hours later to write "how does censorship feel now?" and probably more mean things depending on how much I let my anger fizzle.

Yes, I know my other blog is dedicated to the times I can redirect annoyance into amusement. Christianity I can laugh at, no matter how judgmental the christian or the preaching I hear. Censorship infuriates me. I tolerate people and lifestyles and opinions and beliefs, but I draw the line at censorship. Tell me I'm wrong or misguided or sinful or whatever you want to say as much as you want, but I need to have a voice too. And so does everyone else, regardless of how small the minority they represent.

New Blog on the Side

Hey, all. So, I don't know about you, but I think it's a little ridiculous that neither Katie nor I have posted in close to a year. I'm going to fix that, but because everything I've had the inspiration to write about fits into a very different theme than our androgyny blog, I've started a separate one. It's called Ramblings of an Amused Atheist and I'm sure you can find it from my profile.

In any case, happy reading. Sorry I've been gone so long.

~Kara

This is why I can't study

It's that time of year again. Finals week. Amazingly, I didn't have any finals today. I'm supposed to have two finals tomorrow, but I might take three of them. (I know. I'm such a rebel...) And I attempted to start studying for my film final because if I get a 91 on the last project, which doesn't have a grade up yet, and a perfect score on the final, I can just barely make an A. I don't usually study, but I suppose it's worth it.
Anyway. First chapter I was skimming in my textbook is on audio. All the technicalities of audio, because you can't teach aesthetics in a textbook. You really can't teach aesthetics at all, except as relative to other things and as vague generalizations. Nothing will look perfectly appealing to everyone. But I'm not here to rant about that... Okay. Tell me you know that most audio cables have "male" and "female" ends. Well, they do. It doesn't take much imagination to see why. But XLR cables are not at all obvious. See? Which one is female? Is it the one that, when they're connected, is visible around the other? NO! The other one is female. Because we're not just looking at the arrangement visible when they're connected, but at the actual metal where electricity is conducted. Inside the male-that-looks-like-female end are three prongs, and they go into holes in the female-that-looks-like-male end. And no one ever listens to me when I try to explain that XLR cables are androgynous and that it's not as obvious as it should be. I mean, really. I know what to look for, but when they're connected, they look like they should be opposite. Hmph.
Since we're talking about ways to remember things that don't help me, let me discuss "righty tighty, lefty loosey." The major problem I see with it is that when a point on the top of a circle moves left, the point exactly opposite (on the bottom) moves right, and vice versa. But last time I brought that up and said that we should have a rhyme of some sort to tell us whether it was clockwise or counterclockwise, someone snapped at me that "no one knows what clockwise and counterclockwise are!" Forgive me, but analog clocks aren't that ancient and forgotten. Everyone else I've talked to knows exactly what clockwise and counterclockwise are. *sigh*
And the moral of the story is: I cannot study because I only wind up ranting at technicalities and why they should be wrong even though I don't need to study that fact. Am I studying now? No, I'm ranting.

That's all. Technicality-based geek rant. Sorry to bore anyone. :P

~Kara

(creative pun-based title) with a song at the end ♪ ♫

Am I overloading you with college-related rants yet? No? Well, give me another chance.

I watched V for Vendetta early this morning. (like, 11pm last night through this morning) with one of my wingmates. Two others begged out because they had homework, but made it clear they wished they could watch with us. Partially disproving Katie's theory that conservatives don't understand and cannot like that movie, I'm probably the only liberal person here, but it's still pretty popular.
And I'm honestly baffled why it's so popular. As I said, I watched it with someone on my wing - she's in between someone I would call an acquaintance and someone I would call a friend. And EVERY scene I liked and remembered from last time I watched it, she squirmed at. I'm not sure why she was so excited if she hated the best parts of the movie. I mean, Valerie's whole story gets to me every time. The first time I saw it, I was in tears during her coming-out scene. I'm terrified my parents will do the same, and I feel for her. Despite the terrible ending she faced, Valerie's autobiography was basically my favorite part of the movie... Fortunately I was texting Katie, and looked up at the end of the coming-out scene, too late for it to emotionally hit me; by the time Valerie met Ruth and they kissed, and remember this is a fairly tame kiss by Hollywood standards especially for a movie with a relatively old intended audience, my wingmate freaked. "Oh, gross!" I hope she didn't notice me wince at that, or if she did notice, I hope she assumed that I was also upset by the movie, not by her comment. Similarly, she freaked out at the scene at the end where V slaughtered everyone as they tried to reload their guns. That's one of my favorites for the effects they included, but evidently that much blood (which is nothing compared to Sweeney Todd, another movie I like) was just too disgusting to look at. I think we agreed that both scenes with explosions were fantastically done, as well as when the dominoes fell and made his signature Ⓥ, but I've fixated strongly on her reaction to a tame lesbian kiss.
Why? Well, in case it's not obvious, I'm dating a girl and I definitely felt attacked by that repulsion. Valerie and Ruth did not make out. They were not kissing until neither could breathe, they did not try to immediately get inside each others' pants like in some movies. (And this is an R movie, a lot more could have been shown without affecting the rating.) Sure, it was longer than a quick peck, but it was just a kiss. Chick flicks show much more involved kisses, ones which often involve exchanging saliva and grabbing insatiably onto each other, and I can almost guarantee you she would like that. That would not be "gross." What girl doesn't like watching a happy couple make out on screen, vicariously sharing their happiness? (I mean, I don't like chick flicks, but sometimes I still enjoy watching a couple kiss, especially tamely like that. Movies make it seem so artistic...) So it's not that a kiss is too crazy for my conservative "friend" to see. It's the fact that two girls seem to like each other and suddenly ALL SYSTEMS ARE OVERLOADED, THAT IS HORRIBLE. It was a harsh attack, and she doesn't even know it hurt me. It would be worse if she knew, even if it meant she toned down her (verbal) homophobia for my benefit, because then I would be judged directly too.
I tried to mention it to someone else, (one of the others that would have watched VfV with us if it weren't for homework) that it was weird watching that movie with different groups of people I tried to ask what someone might see in the parts of the movie that I didn't think were spectacular that could still draw that level of adoration for the movie, and then I realized that I can't just say "I'm liberal, and I liked the scenes with gay people even though they died, because I'm gay and I can relate, but I don't know what you see when you don't like that." I can't say that, or my nonconformity is right back in the spotlight, encouraging people to judge me. That was the beginning of a long downward spiral today as I realized just how much I am repressed, how I cannot be myself, and that I don't belong.

Some of you who know me might realize this, but to anyone else, let me just say that it would be an understatement to assert that being "gay" is just the tip of the iceberg of reasons people here (well, Christians anywhere) would judge me, reasons I don't fit in. I can't be myself here, because at best I will be scolded for my "life choices" and I don't want to try to guess what the worst would be.
People are loving when it comes to "everyday struggles" like homework or not getting enough sleep, and they generally seem to care about everyone they meet, but that doesn't mean that if I were to come out, it would just be accepted. No, I would be treated like an addict. I would be stigmatized, and people would ask if my "gayness" was "getting better" to check in with me as though it were a problem, not realizing that such a question is an insult. I don't choose to like girls. I don't choose to like boys. I recognize physical attraction to people, and I recognize when I'm crushing on someone. Both are rare, but they've happened often enough that I can recognize them. I can't control it. Sure, I can choose to act on it or not, and I keep that in check. That's why I don't even flirt with anyone other than Katie, because I'm not the cheating sort. But the fact that I'm not just a hormone-driven animal does not mean that I want to break up with her if anyone ever realizes I'm dating a girl, just to make them happy or more comfortable or proud of me. I like who I like, I love who I love, and no one can change my mind for me. I want the right to marry the person I love, or to make a stupid decision and marry a person I think I love, just like anyone else. I want my perfect wedding just like any other girl.
I don't want to be told "oh, you can't date that person because she was born with two X chromosomes." That's as bad as racism. People have told me that people can decide their own orientation, it's "not like racism because you can choose who you like." Well, most people fall in love with someone of their own race, the opposite gender. Some people fall in love with people from a different race, which used to be stigmatized, and some people fall in love with people of the same gender, which is still stigmatized. Don't tell me it's different, because it's really the same issue underneath. I cannot choose my chromosomes, nor the parts my body has, no more than I can choose my skin color. Nor can anyone else.
But no one here will recognize that. Here, there's just an understanding that "everything the bible says is relevant to everyone's lives, and strict conservative morals, preferably straight from the bible, are the best." And in several places the bible seems to indirectly say "don't be gay," but never directly. (But that's too long a tangent for now.) Well, I'm sorry, but I was already fighting a faith crisis before I came here, and nothing has helped. If anything, it's gotten worse and I've gotten more antagonistic. I don't want the bible thrown in my face, I've grown up in the church, so chances are, I've heard the verse before. I want to be listened to, to be treated as a person even if I reveal that I disagree with much of the moral code here.

I have a feeling I'm being redundant and boring you all, so I'm going to cut it off there and give you a song quote that ironically sums everything up at the moment.

All I know is I'm not home yet. This is not where I belong...

The irony is that it's a Christian worship song. But the sentiment holds despite my twisting it out of context. I do not belong here. This is not home. I wonder when I'll feel at home anywhere.

Until next time
~Kara

Oh yes, by the way. Why can't my birthday be a few months earlier? I want to vote tomorrow, and I'm "too young". I'm in college. Whoever is elected and their policies will affect me after I graduate and enter the working world before I'm allowed to vote regarding the presidency. That makes a lot of sense. But whatever. I guess since I'm just a child, I cannot make my own decisions. I cannot be trusted to make intelligent decisions. Of course. It's all so clear now. That fits wonderfully with my self image of a good student, I won't have to modify either idea in order to accept them both.

Okay, now I've become cynical. I'll just shut up now. /endrant

I should be doing homework

I should, but I'm not. I can't quite focus on homework because I'm antsy and upset. (and tired, but that's beside the point.) So you wonderful, patient readers get another dose of ranting-Kara. Much less angry than last time.

I don't know what it is, but I've been feeling very alone lately. Okay. That's misleading. I know exactly what the problem is. I'm a pansexual girl in a conservative environment with an eroded support structure.
Because seriously, what support do I have? Well, there's a not-quite gay-straight alliance here, and even though the structure and community within that group is comforting and very safe-place-ish. But that meets infrequently, and I don't know anyone from there enough to contact them and suggest hanging out. I mean, I've basically just met the group once. I have a few friends from at home, but only about two of them that I'm close enough to that we keep in contact now that I'm at college, and both consistently take weeks to respond to messages I send because they're at least as busy as I am, and presumably not desperate for friendly human contact. I text Kat about everything, of course, but she's usually (rightfully) stressed about her own life issues. Workplace stress, family issues... It's not as cathartic as I'd like when I can vent to her because then I feel guilty when she becomes sympathetically stressed about my issues as well as her own. Besides, all our commiserating eventually degenerates into "I miss you!" which adds yet more negativity. Long term relationships are such fun like that...
Other people who promise to listen and not judge (online, where I can be anonymous and spill everything that's bothering me, hopefully to a sympathetic audience, but able to cut my losses if I'm unlucky) still wind up preaching at me, and when I bring up examples, I only seem to get comments on "that logic got lost between Point A and Point B" or "that metaphor isn't valid," which sure feels like I'm being judged. I would probably grudgingly accept specific things pointed out, like where the logic got sidetracked, or reflections on specific comments. But that vagueness feels like a thinly disguised, "you're wrong and I'm trying hard not to tell you straight up that you're wrong because I don't want to seem mean." Yes, my school offers free counseling to students, and we have been assured that we can talk about little issues or big ones, they're there to listen and help. But I still can't get past the fact that I will be defined by my problems. Going to a counselor implies problems, the focus is fixing problems, and they don't know me outside the context of my problems. I just don't like the idea of that, even if a counselor might be a good listener. They're not my peers, so it would be much harder to develop a sort of friendship where we hang out and respect each other outside the context of a counselor-counselee relationship. I'm also not sure I want to hear or follow the advice I'm likely to be given at a Christian counseling center, which will boil down to "how can we convince you to be straight so it's not a problem?"
What I really need is someone here to trust and be truly close to. Someone to whom I can rant and feel listened to, who can give me a hug when the world is unfair. But I don't trust people enough yet. Even when I trust them to be honest or consistent, I don't trust them not to freak out if I come out or admit to other issues, which I certainly have. Who doesn't? The one person I semi-came out to  (I said I was bi, since that's a more commonly understood term) needed a while to accept it. Days later, she was finally confident enough to ask awkward questions like "you don't... like me, do you?" I don't want to burden her with my problems, since a simple coming out was rough enough. And I suspect a lot of people here will respond the same way at best.
Have I missed anyone? Who am I supposed to turn to? I mean, I've got you blog readers, and I can feel like I'm telling the world and imagine any number of sympathetic replies, but in reality, probably four people will read this all the way through, maybe one will be truly upset on my behalf, and no one will comment or teleport here to give me that hug.

~LonelyKaraIsAlone


Yes, by the way, I know I chose to be here. I love my college. It's just like any other part of life: good and bad, and the bad gets more publicity than the good.